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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think that in life no one really got your back apart from yourself?

37 replies

justanothermanicmonday21 · 07/11/2022 21:53

Maybe I'm just having a down moment but I just feel so let down and deflated. I feel like no one is reliable. I am a normal kind person who would go out of their way to help others, generally happy and positive but recent events have just got me feeling like I can only rely on myself.

A few examples...

My childrens father cheated spectacularly and embarrassingly, he has been no financial support since leaving choosing to pay nothing for the children and barely being there time wise for them despite being a very involved parent beforehand.

A few months ago I found out my new partner had been messaging another woman and I feel like it's just going down the same path - why does it take someone to mess up to realise what they have? Or am I just a stop gap?

Family are a good support at times but at others they let me down, seem to be oblivious that as a single mum things aren't just as easy for me logistically, time wise and financially. We were meant to go for shopping and then for dinner the other day, not something the kids would enjoy but I went with the promise of a meal, then family left early leaving me alone with hungry kids far from home to sort.

My mother is an alcoholic and I feel like I have to look after her.

I feel like things are so much easier when no one else apart from me and the children are in the mix and it's made me retreat into myself a little and realise that ultimately I need to look after number 1 and stop trying to please everyone else.

OP posts:
thisfuckinghurts · 07/11/2022 21:56

OP, no advice but I was literally saying the same thing to myself tonight. I say it to myself rather than anyone else as I am the only person I can rely on😂

I’ve learnt to accept this and actually have found a lot of freedom and strength in being very self reliant. Having said that, it does sound like you have been let down spectacularly by many people in your life which must be so difficult to accept. So I’m sending you solidarity and strength.

thisfuckinghurts · 07/11/2022 21:57

And yes!!! Look after number 1! I’ve started going this a few years ago, making time for myself, treating myself and treating my body and mind with kindness and respect. Doesn’t have to be anything fancy. A new book, a nice bath, whatever you fancy. Look after yourself OP, you deserve it.

NameChanger001500 · 07/11/2022 22:00

Well, your right

But your looking at it the wrong way. You dont need to feel sorry for yourself ( although I completely understand that every now and then we do, because it's hard and can be lonely )

Be damn proud of yourself that you do it all by yourself and dont need to rely on anyone for anything

It can be lonely and tiring and it's a horrible feeling knowing we have no help but at the same time how strong and capable are we doing everything by ourselves and not needing anything from anyone 🙌

Original poster
justanothermanicmonday21 · 07/11/2022 22:02

Thanks for replying! I felt like I'd got to such a good place after leaving the kids father as really it was the making of me, I am generally quite independent but had opened myself upto this new person feeling we were very similar and it would be an addition to life. This recent cheating and also loosing a family member at almost the same time has left me feeling very vulnerable emotionally and questioning everything. Other day to day things like friends letting you down last minute etc it honestly does make me wonder why I try to involve others!

OP posts:
Mummyboy1 · 07/11/2022 22:03

We only get disappointed with people because we expect them to treat us the same way we treat them. Look after number one.

wtfisgoingonhere21 · 07/11/2022 22:04

I'm really
Luckiy in that my parents are still together and hands down have my back with anything they are absolute legends.

Other than that I am all to aware to rely on only myself and have had that thought process since being a young single skint mum trying to build a career and home on my own.

Many many years later I have a husband and family but I still carry that same thought process of having my own back

Spouses love isn't unconditional as much as they think it may be

My dh used to moan and say I don't ever need him and just get on with stuff but I've done that my whole life and don't think you should need anyone more like want them in your life

Original poster
justanothermanicmonday21 · 07/11/2022 22:06

Mummyboy I think you are right.

I was raised resilient, independent but with very high morals and to be caring and kind. I would help anyone, go out of my way to be nice and fun etc even if not in the mood.

I think it puts me out that people aren't the same back. I feel wronged almost.

OP posts:
JamSandle · 07/11/2022 22:06

You have to be your own best friend. Anything else is a bonus.

donttellmehesalive · 07/11/2022 22:09

Yes I also tend to find people disappointing. But once you accept that you can only rely on yourself it is quite liberating. As I get older, I'm less tolerant and more selfish too I think. Other people would probably complain about me but I no longer care.

Kite22 · 07/11/2022 22:24

I think YABU to generalise that is true of all life for all people.

It sounds like you have had a tough time, and there is a lot going on, or that has gone on in your life and I am sorry, but no, I wouldn't say that "no-one has your back in life" is true for many people.

hassletassle · 07/11/2022 22:31

I feel the same Op, the buck stops with me... Myself and my children can only rely on me. I do not get any help from my parents and never have. It's shit and tiring but you just need to focus on being proud of yourself and looking after yourself. Stop looking after your mother.

SweetChild0mine · 07/11/2022 22:34

Sack the new man off.

Don't drag yourself and kids to things just to save face.

Life is short, only do things that benefit you and the kids x

RoseBucket · 07/11/2022 22:37

I treat people how they treat me, I have no issues with cutting people out but equally will be there for someone if they are or are likely to be there for me. It’s quite liberating.

Original poster
justanothermanicmonday21 · 07/11/2022 23:05

@Kite22 can you give me some examples to give me some faith?

OP posts:
Kite22 · 07/11/2022 23:12

Not sure what you mean by 'give you some examples'.

Do you mean me saying that dh 'has my back', my adult dc 'have my back', my siblings do, their dc do, etc etc etc as do so many friends ?

Clearly many, many people have all sorts of folk they could rely on in an hour of need. That isn't meant to understate that, at the moment in your life you don't feel you have that support - you've had some tough breaks - but I know so many people who support family members and friends, which is why I know YABU to generalise that nobody has anyone else's back.

WeWantBoo · 07/11/2022 23:20

Yep. I get this. Other than DH and the DC, I have come to just feel let down by others. For big things and small things.

The piece about retreating definitely resonated too. I don’t want emotional ties to people anymore, the reward just isn’t there. I would rather now not put myself out as I am frequently let down, so investing the energy doesn’t seem worth it.

Having also grown up fiercely independent, I’m generally ok with being self-sufficient. But occasionally it is tiring and I do wonder if I’d be less angry (?) if I was surrounded by people I could really really trust.

As I say outside of DH and DC, I’ve never felt that anyone is 100% loyal to me. So I guess I’ve stopped being loyal back.

WeWantBoo · 07/11/2022 23:22

Pretty sure that’s not really very emotionally healthy… but I am not sure I can put my faith in the old “you get out what you put in”….

But I am feeling particular meh today.

mynamesnotMa · 07/11/2022 23:27

You've had a shit time but you are also doing an amazing job bringing up little humans. Don't rely on others for your happiness that's down to you no one else.
You are right no one knows who you are better than you but you can have brilliant friends who can be relied on a handful is enough.

Hawkins001 · 07/11/2022 23:27

For me, im not sure, but anyway, any assistance I have is always appreciated

Original poster
justanothermanicmonday21 · 08/11/2022 00:32

Kite I guess I do have many people I could rely on in my hour of need, I just guess I'd like them there not just when asked because I'm desperate if that makes sense?

My family can be helpful in many ways, they have helped financially and having the kids and been there when I was going through the real tough stuff but I guess day to day emotionally they are not? I mean I know I could go to my dad with whatever and he'd help if he could and he's a great dad but deep down it's what interests him and suits him best. I guess that's where I miss having a proper mum, I am envious of the people who's parents are still together and dote on the kids/grandkids I guess.

Again with friends I have one friend who is like a second mum to my kids but also at the same time she's let me down, more in the past when we were much younger so I don't fully trust.

Maybe I am the issue? As I am loosing my ability to trust the more I am hurt and still struggling with grief atm.

OP posts:
Original poster
justanothermanicmonday21 · 08/11/2022 00:38

I guess what I'm trying to say is they will have your back but only if it fits in with them, which I guess is fair as you have to put yourself first.

OP posts:
LadyOfTheFliessssss · 08/11/2022 00:56

I'm not sure I agree that no one in life will have your back. But I do agree with the sentiment that you must look out for yourself and expect others to let you down, potentially.

I grew up as a black sheep in the family so I'm fiercely independent. I do actually have a huge amount of very good friends (in contrast to my extreme lack of popularity at school). I don't expect them to let me down but equally, I very much choose to struggle alone rather than ask for help.

I can't rely on my family for much, although I suppose I could count on two of them if I was desperate.

I can't imagine being any other way.

I'm very single too.

giroux · 08/11/2022 01:31

Gosh I totally agree.

I am also single parent who has done it all on my own. Ex DH barely contributes tIme and money (and yes, I know that legally he should but…)

My parents have at times been amazing. And at other times not. My friends the same.

I think for me it has been a huge learning curve to understand that in life, everybody has the capacity to let you down - not because they don’t care (my parents and some good friends definitely do) but rather because nobody can have my back all the time - because they need to have their own back too.

That said, some people (like my ex and a few less-good friends) are just a bit shit.

It is absolutely disappointing but as other have said up thread, I try to focus on how strong it has made me and what a strong unit l’ve created with my almost adult kids. And Princess stories get short shrift in this house. My girls know that financial independence is important.

Most importantly I’m sorry that you are feeling this so much right now. Your grief may be contributing- I found it definitely made me less able to to be the iron clad tower of strength I have had to forge myself into. Know you’ll be ok and that you have millennia of strong independent women who had to do it all behind you.
un-mumsnety hugs

whisperingpool · 08/11/2022 01:40

You're right @justanothermanicmonday21

Though if it was something serious it sounds like you might have one or two family members you could count on. Same with me. Though people being inconsiderate and thoughtless generally, and about the little things, I find irritating.

mackthepony · 08/11/2022 01:42

Oh I hear you alright

It really is everyone for themselves

If I don't do it, no-one will