Should I lose weight to keep my husband?

[mumtokids]

I've been married for decades and have grown up children with my husband. Whilst our marriage has not been without its difficulties, I thought we were fairly strong. That aside, we've not been intimate for well over a year and my husband has finally confessed that he no longer finds me attractive because I've put on a lot of weight since we met. I'm nearly 50 and ill health and menopause have taken a toll on my waistline.
I don't think my husband will leave me but should I lose weight to please him? What if I can't lose weight or don't want to lose weight AIBU?

Perhaps you could get fit together? Try and make it a joint thing & reclaim your solidarity etc. More fun with two.
And don't have sex you don't want to have, OP. That's sad, and also very unhealthy, emotionally speaking.

OP I mean this very kindly;
He has been honest with you that he doesn't find you as attractive time as he would like to.
His size and ageing process has little to do with this if you still find him attractive.
We all have our individual thresholds of what we find sexually appealing.

If he has out on weight too then perhaps you can plan to lose it together?

If he hasn't and you want him to be attractive yes to you again then yes, unfortunately I think the answer is for you to lose some weight.

If you don't really care whether he fi ds you attractive or not then don't.
Marriages are made of more than sexual attraction in any case and I am sure he loves you very much regardless.

Its up to you to decide if it is important to you that your husband sexually desires you.

For yourself, it's a really good thing to lose weight, so do it but on the husband part that is a separate issue

So it’s easier for him to blame you for putting on weight to avoid sex than it is for him to go to the GP? And if he is avoiding sex then kisses and cuddles stop just in case they lead to sex.

What would you like to do to make yourself feel better?

I completely agree with this.

Thank you. At this point I honestly don't know. I am trying to lose weight for myself not for him. If I do succeed and get his attention back, I think I might forever feel resentful or worried that he might cut me off again should something happen to my appearance. Not a nice way to live.

Thought as much. He is shifting the blame to you for his ED.

I agree with pp - only lose weight for yourself, and childbirth, ill health and age are all going to realistically impact your attractiveness- you would hope that after so many years the relationship should also be based on less shallow requirements.

However the fact that he has also aged and gained weight is so hypocritical ! I would get pictures of you both before and now and ask him if he is going to be making an effort to increase his physical attractiveness also!

Sex isn't everything in a relationship - it's sad that you say there isn't much intimacy though. Changes in looks, or medical things like ED shouldn't stop hand-holding or cuddles IMO, as they are about love and affection rather than lust.

OP could also ask him to put his money where his mouth is by doing ALL the Christmas prep including all the legwork, shopping present wrapping and cooking Christmas lunch while she throws herself into Project Weight Loss.

I’m 63. I’ve been overweight most of my adult life, but tipped into obesity in my 50s. My health has really suffered. I have gout, arthritis, prediabetes. I need a hip replacement. I really wish I’d lost weight before all this crap kicked in. So do it for you, and for both of you.
Sit him down and tell him you would both benefit from some proper lifestyle changes, portion control, no snacking, get active together etc. Your health, communication, camaraderie and sexual relationship may also improve. It will be interesting to see if he’s willing to make the commitment.

If it is his ED then you losing weight is going to make no difference, he will find another excuse and all the while diminishing your self-esteem for the sake of his own.

Do you feel supported by your DH through your illness and menopause, or do you just feel criticised?

I'm not ignoring the fact that weight gain can affect us and how we see our partner, a large weight gain can be relevant. Could this be the catalyst that you both need to start a conversation around the whole issue of intimacy and how you might gain some of that back?

Laying the blame with you is bound to make you resentful and anxious about the future.

Write a list of what makes you happy other than pleasing him see if you can do some of those things for yourself.

Why don’t you say you will both lose weight together and cook and exercise together. Make sure the sex you are getting is good sex. Just because he can’t get it up dies not mean he can’t make you orgasm. He can’t expect you to put effort in when he doesn’t.

Exactly this.

Ill also bet he’s no athletic Brad Pitt too