Should I lose weight to keep my husband?

[mumtokids]

I've been married for decades and have grown up children with my husband. Whilst our marriage has not been without its difficulties, I thought we were fairly strong. That aside, we've not been intimate for well over a year and my husband has finally confessed that he no longer finds me attractive because I've put on a lot of weight since we met. I'm nearly 50 and ill health and menopause have taken a toll on my waistline.
I don't think my husband will leave me but should I lose weight to please him? What if I can't lose weight or don't want to lose weight AIBU?

Ah so hes one of those blokes who thinks diets are for wimmin

What was his performance like the last time you did have sex OP?

Is your weight going to impact your future health? That should be your main concern, being a fit and healthy grandparent to possible future grandchildren would be very rewarding

I'd be interested OP if your DH himself is as slim, fit and handsome if he was years ago...

All of us age

He was being quite mean to you.

I would not want to sleep with someone nor lose weight for someone who said he no longer found me attractive

How do you feel? Do you want to lose weight? Do you want to get fitter? I have to say that for me getting sporty in my late 40s gave me a massive boost in my 50s, really worth it but could not have done it for anyone else, just for me (it was time for some serious me-time and I took it and ran with it. Made lots of new friends too)

It's been so long there are cobwebs. But if I recall, it was usually a quick lay back and think of England scenario

Hmm i was thinking ED SOME men who suffer with this turn the blame onto their partners.

If not for attractiveness, how about losing the weight for your health & wellbeing so you feel good in yourself? If your DH has also put on some pounds maybe you could do this together.

That is unfair. Everyone ages. If you want to lose weight for you, go ahead. But I don’t think you can lose weight for someone else or have a relationship like that

The question is if you're happy as you are? It might be helpful to lose weight if it would benefit your health but doing it for someone else will just make you feel resentful.

When i went to Slimming World it was actually good to watch so many women gaining confidence......in some cases the confidence to leave their husbands.

Dont lose weight for someone who cant even be bothered to touch your clitoris

Why havnt you been intimate in a year? Surely that would ring alarm bells. Is this really about weight or your husbands crappy approach at trying to raise the issue.

Ditto.

Losing 3st changed my life.

I really think you should lose weight for yourself. You will feel fantastic afterwards and so full of energy.

I would set up a chart and put it on the wall and track both of your weight losses. Are you going to be like to stand on if he doesn't get into it with you. Also perhaps you'd like to join a gym and he could look after the children while you go?

Excellent advice there

I wouldn’t loose weight for someone who asked me too, but I would loose weight to be healthier and have a better quality of life.

If you want to stay with your DH then it sounds like maybe you could use a shared diet and possible exercise as a way to get closer and then when/ if the time comes, find a way of rejuvenating your sex life. I wouldn’t be loosing weight with him and having shit effortless sex.

DH and I are loosing some weight together, both watching what we eat, walking more together and alone and exercising. It is a big topic of conversation and we are doing it as a team. There are various boards on here for weight loss so if you decide you want to go down that route (whether with DH or not) please have a look over there as it’s very supportive.

We've both been burying our heads in the sand and ultimately, I forced his hand. But having read the replies, it is making me think there is more going on that just my weight.

Lose weight for your own health ! That comes before everything:)

But having read the replies, it is making me think there is more going on that just my weight.

Like what?

He hasn’t told you to lose weight, or that he’ll leave you if you don’t, he just doesn’t want to shag you now you look different. As you say, you forced him to tell you.

Would you rather he’d lied so you wondered what else was going on or that he’d continued having sex despite not wanting to?

You seem to be fishing for people to tell you he's having an affair or something?

Plenty of people find attraction changes as appearance does, it’s as likely as anything else. Not least because he told you that’s what it is…

I'm nearly 100% sure that he's not having an affair but I can't speak for the future. How long can a man go without sex?

I'm in the thick of it and cannot see outside my own box. The honest views of others is really helpful.

Also I've had sex plenty of times when I've not wanted to, I thought that was normal in a marriage lol

Do you still feel attracted to him @mumtokids? How do you feel about yourself, are you still in ill health or has that passed?

Is it only the sex that is missing, how is your relationship outside of that?

FWIW I don’t think you should lose weight to keep him.

Has he got any problems with ED or orgasms?

I was still attracted to him and missing the intimacy not just in bed but in general like cuddling and holding hands. I am still unwell and getting worse. It really bothers me that the vows are in sickness and in health. It's legitimately not my fault and he thinks it's an easy quick fix. What if I was bald or disfigured or anything else and my appearance was different would he no longer want me then either? I thought he would fancy me forever and we would grow old together but now I feel like that is not longer a possibility.

Huh?

That is disturbing.

Yes but he hasn't gone to the doctor. Before the sex stopped completely, the last few times we tried he was unable to keep an erection or ejaculate.