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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Should this be an expectation - aibu?

32 replies

Anonomous12 · 07/11/2022 08:22

Hi all,

I am feeling very frustrated and wanted to do a sense check of if I’m being unreasonable.

My dp (female) and I just got back (late) from holiday. I thought we were both wfh today but when I asked dp what time they wanted to get up they said 6.30am. It was quite clear there was an expectation that I should be driving them to the station this morning.

we we’re going to be super late (because we had a late flight and were chatting to dps parents who we are staying the night with). If I’d known I had to be up early I would have wanted to go to bed earlier.

this morning the alarm went off earlier than 6.30. I didn’t know the time we needed to leave for the train so eventually I asked and I made sure I was ready to go.

i just feel like dp is entitled. I feel like if I needed a lift very early after a flight I would ask earlier in the day, make sure that the timings were clearly understood and made sure that dp had keys to get back in. Aibu?

OP posts:
Hellenswall · 07/11/2022 08:25

How was it made clear she expected you to take her to the station?

IntrovertedPenguin · 07/11/2022 08:26

Sorry but why couldn't she of asked her parents or got a bus or a taxi?
As the soul driver of my own family id of been furious, she treated you like a taxi there.

WanderingSouls · 07/11/2022 08:28

She should have asked and not expected it. But your reaction is a bit OTT so I wonder whether there are other issues between you.

ZombieMumEB · 07/11/2022 08:28

So the onus is on you to ask her what time to set the alarm?

Is she not an adult who can set her own alarm?

In regards to when you need to leave for the train station - the onus is also on you to ask?

Take a step back, and make it her responsibility to set her own alarm, and if she needs to ask you for a lift - she needs to ask the day before so you can plan your bedtime and morning better.

Mardyface · 07/11/2022 08:29

Yanbu but what did DP say when said that to her?

TheCurseOfBoris · 07/11/2022 08:30

I think it depends what normally happens. Do you usually drive her to the station on the days you are working from home? The lack of conversation about it is most likely due to the late arrival home from holiday but if anything, I would have been double checking rather than assuming.

Original poster
Anonomous12 · 07/11/2022 08:32

It was just implicit from the circumstances and being in a similar position before. When we stay there she needs a lift. She hasn’t arranged any other lift…

I don’t have the best backbone and tend to end up people pleasing and frustrated but i also don’t want to seem difficult in front of her parents.

OP posts:
Original poster
Anonomous12 · 07/11/2022 08:36

Mardyface · 07/11/2022 08:29

Yanbu but what did DP say when said that to her?

I haven’t said anything yet. As someone else has implied in things have been rocky of late and I don’t want to make this into a storm in a teacup.

I feel like the expectation I would drive is not unreasonable. However, I feel like I should have been asked sooner to plan bedtime etc better. She did set her own alarm but was going to shower etc while I could just grab a coat and go and sort myself out when I got back so it wasn’t the same time for me.

OP posts:
TheCurseOfBoris · 07/11/2022 08:36

So it was what you normally do but you're annoyed she didn't ask earlier. I think there's more to this than one lift?

MrsLargeEmbodied · 07/11/2022 08:37

but you both went on holiday?
you are makign something out of nothing
you both have to suffer with getting up early - not just you

TimeForMeToF1y · 07/11/2022 08:40

MrsLargeEmbodied · 07/11/2022 08:37

but you both went on holiday?
you are makign something out of nothing
you both have to suffer with getting up early - not just you

Some people need more sleep than han others, common courtesy would say that the partner should have checked it was ok and diacussed the timings. That pretty much goes without saying does it not

theemmadilemma · 07/11/2022 08:41

So she was going off to catch the train and you were heading off home somewhere else?

I would guess her expectation was that you'd give her a lift as you'd leave her parents when she did rather than hang around in bed?

But she 100% should have communicated that to you and that it meant an early start if you weren't expecting that, sounds like you expected a later start for you both.

luxxlisbon · 07/11/2022 08:43

This seems like an overreaction based on your partner needing a lift to the station the odd time you stay somewhere else.
Are you just planning to stay at her parent’s all day?

If my partner was getting up early for work I would happily drop them to the station.
Weird thing to take an issue with in a loving relationship.

Original poster
Anonomous12 · 07/11/2022 08:47

This is interesting. I am planning to work from here today.

i do agree and this is giving me cause for reflection. I really wouldn’t mind doing the lift (although I know it could be an issue the other way around) but I didn’t think she was going into work today and I would have been able to organise to go to bed about an hour earlier if I had understood.

OP posts:
luxxlisbon · 07/11/2022 08:47

this morning the alarm went off earlier than 6.30. I didn’t know the time we needed to leave for the train so eventually I asked and I made sure I was ready to go.

Why did you have to “eventually” ask?
If you know her alarm went off at 6:30 you were obviously awake when she was, why not just ask straight away ‘what time do you need to leave? … okay see you in 40 mins’ and then get 20 mins extra sleep and get ready?

You knew she would need a lift, you say that, you also say it’s not unreasonable for her to expect you give her a lift so this is a big drama over her asking something that you already know earlier in the day?

Original poster
Anonomous12 · 07/11/2022 08:51

luxxlisbon · 07/11/2022 08:47

this morning the alarm went off earlier than 6.30. I didn’t know the time we needed to leave for the train so eventually I asked and I made sure I was ready to go.

Why did you have to “eventually” ask?
If you know her alarm went off at 6:30 you were obviously awake when she was, why not just ask straight away ‘what time do you need to leave? … okay see you in 40 mins’ and then get 20 mins extra sleep and get ready?

You knew she would need a lift, you say that, you also say it’s not unreasonable for her to expect you give her a lift so this is a big drama over her asking something that you already know earlier in the day?

I guess I was already a bit annoyed and just feel if you need a favour you could make it as simple and clear as possible. It’s your train why don’t you just tell me what you need?

OP posts:
Weebachu · 07/11/2022 08:53

Doesn't she have a driving license?

MrsLargeEmbodied · 07/11/2022 08:54

having re-read it, i agree trhat she should have asked and not assumed you were willing and able

AlisonDonut · 07/11/2022 09:02

You assumed you were both staying at her parents [I couldn't work from home at someone else's house, that's not home].
She assumed you'd go home and give her a lift on the way so that you could you know, work from home.

I'm assuming that you are both not really communicating very well and need to talk to each other and stop assuming things.

Original poster
Anonomous12 · 07/11/2022 09:09

AlisonDonut · 07/11/2022 09:02

You assumed you were both staying at her parents [I couldn't work from home at someone else's house, that's not home].
She assumed you'd go home and give her a lift on the way so that you could you know, work from home.

I'm assuming that you are both not really communicating very well and need to talk to each other and stop assuming things.

No she knew I would be working from her parents house I had made that clear - there is no way she would have thought I would have headed home after dropping her. It was tbf to her a little up in the air where she would be working.

i personally don’t think it’s unreasonable for me to drop her. I just find the communication around it rude and I do feel it would have changed my behaviour (I would have wanted to go straight to bed on getting in) if I knew about the early start.

OP posts:
Aprilx · 07/11/2022 09:10

I don’t really understand the scenario, I am not even clear where you are as you say you got back late (which indicates you are at home) but also mention her parents.

If you normally give her a life to the station, I am not really sure why you are upset about it this time. DH and I tend to talk to each other and would have both considered logistics for getting to the station, we also discuss what days we are wFH versus going into the office or whatever and there would be no need for any unexpected shocks.

mondaytosunday · 07/11/2022 09:10

Im not sure I quite understand. Your partner is going to work, you normally give her a lift. You thought it was a wfh day - did they say so or you just assumed?
They need a lift and if that means getting out of bed a bit earlier so what? If it was me I'd just think, oh there goes my little lie in, and then forget about it! Doesn't being in a partnership mean doing things for each other and not resenting it if a little inconvenient? It seems this is just one more thing of a lot of little resentments that has been building up, as the annoyance over this tiny incident has made you post here. Time to man/woman up and have a frank chat if you think you are being taken for granted.

PorridgewithQuark · 07/11/2022 09:13

There are two problems - being reliant on lifts as an adult, and being incapable of communication.

The "I eventually asked" and "I assumed" in your post siggests that both of you are crap at communicating with one another, so you're both unreasonable there.

Can't she drive? Or do you share a car and drive her because you want use of the shared car while she's at work?

If the first she should learn to drive or arrange her life in a way which allows her to get around independently.

If the second she should take the car if you don't want to get up.

PeekabooAtTheZoo · 07/11/2022 09:15

If you had reversed the genders this would basically be unanimous. Your DP is a CF.

She should have told you she was in the office today not WFH like you were led to believe, and ASKED you if you could give her a lift at an ungodly hour the morning after your holiday.

To me your relationship has a lot of communication issues and resentment and you sound like you feel taken advantage of. Do you see a future for this relationship?

Original poster
Anonomous12 · 07/11/2022 09:18

thank you very much everyone. I appreciate all the discussion on this. I think I find it a little too easy to fall down the rabbit hole of frustration.

I probably have set this out confusingly so apologies I wouldn’t want to go into all the specifics around the situation as I’m a bit paranoid about posting problems anyway.

I think the crux of the situation is:

  1. it’s not unreasonable to expect a lift.
  2. it is unreasonable to not communicate with me properly around the lift.
  3. I am also a poor communicator and this whole post speaks to a wider problem with me.
OP posts: