Should this be an expectation - aibu?

[Anonomous12]

Hi all,

I am feeling very frustrated and wanted to do a sense check of if I’m being unreasonable.

My dp (female) and I just got back (late) from holiday. I thought we were both wfh today but when I asked dp what time they wanted to get up they said 6.30am. It was quite clear there was an expectation that I should be driving them to the station this morning.

we we’re going to be super late (because we had a late flight and were chatting to dps parents who we are staying the night with). If I’d known I had to be up early I would have wanted to go to bed earlier.

this morning the alarm went off earlier than 6.30. I didn’t know the time we needed to leave for the train so eventually I asked and I made sure I was ready to go.

i just feel like dp is entitled. I feel like if I needed a lift very early after a flight I would ask earlier in the day, make sure that the timings were clearly understood and made sure that dp had keys to get back in. Aibu?

If I’m following (I wasn’t at first), the crux of the issue is that she didn’t communicate until bedtime that she was physically going into work which means that you didn’t know you’d have to be up so early - because you weren’t expecting her to need a lift. And if you had known, you’d have gone to bed earlier.

In which case, YANBU.

If I was going to inconvenience someone or rely on someone to arrange their schedule around me, I’d give them the most advance notice that I could. She didn’t do this - just expected you to sleep less so you could give her a lift.

For some people this wouldn’t matter as they don’t need much sleep. For others it really might. Especially if they have a full-on day where you need to catch up after being on annual leave.

"I don’t have the best backbone and tend to end up people pleasing and frustrated but i also don’t want to seem difficult in front of her parents."

There's another thread going at the moment about someone not wanting to give a lift but 'not having it in them to say no' and so nuking the whole thing. Different situation but same problem - which is not the lift itself, but this deeper issue with confidence and communication. Don't take this as a stick to beat yourself with but as a sign that it's time to deal with these issues and not keep hold of them like they're a core part of who you are. It's in your power to change them, whereas her communication skills, or lack of, are not in your power.

Is your partner coming back to her parents’ house after work? Are you continuing to stay there tonight together?
If not, I think it’s a bit weird for you to be WFH in your partner’s parents house, especially when she is not there.
Having someone WFH while you’re in the house is a pain in the arse - even more so if it’s your house and not theirs I would imagine.

I think if this is how you're feeling after just getting back from holiday together, the relationship is not a good one.

Holidays are an opportunity to reset, communicate and remember why you love each other away from the drag of real life & 7am trains. This level of bitterness and poor communication is not normal for a good couple just back from holiday - if you can't be good together now then you never will be.

Her failure to communicate isn't your problem if you didn't know her, but as you do know her, then I believe it is partly your problem because you know what she is like. I believe that this isn't eh one off incident because you've hinted a couple of times about an aittitude, so you need to either talk it through with her, and come to a better arrangement, OR put up with it forever OR walk out on the relationship. Personally I'd choose the former option first.

Tbh I don't understand why you're at your PILs in the first place.

I assumed it was a case of you were flying into a London airport, PILs are in the London area and you live in Manchester with no direct transport home (for example) so by staying with them overnight you could get some sleep after your initial return travel, have a WFH day and then do the train journey back home "after work" to spread the travel and allow you to have a day with your PILs.

However, if they're close enough that you can get to work from there, why would you not just go straight home after your holiday? Why would you actively choose to stay at your PILs to WFH instead of just going home? It's not like you're extending your holiday with a couple of days visiting with your PILs as you knew you were going to be working.

Mountains and molehills. It's done, no one really suffered for it, don't sweat the small stuff.