Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Grr … to have said NO

33 replies

Nearlymorning · 07/11/2022 06:01

DS (nearly 2) woke twice between 1 and 2. I went in to him and he settled pretty quickly.

He then woke at half 2, and I didn’t hear him that time but DH went into him and took him into bed with him in the spare room.

DS then woke at half four and I was v confused when no DS in the cot but realised DH had taken him into bed with him. DH then asked if I could stay with DS as he’d had no sleep since half two.

AIBU to have said you know what, no, you decided to have him in bed with you so of course you’ve had no sleep.

I didn’t - have had DS in with me since half four: neither of us have slept. Sad

OP posts:
UnderHisPie · 07/11/2022 06:19

Never make any 'harsh' decisions at 4.30am. No good comes of it Grin

Instead talk to your DH in the calm daylight hours about how you both want to handle night time wake ups.

JenniferBarkley · 07/11/2022 06:21

UnderHisPie · 07/11/2022 06:19

Never make any 'harsh' decisions at 4.30am. No good comes of it Grin

Instead talk to your DH in the calm daylight hours about how you both want to handle night time wake ups.

Yeah exactly this.

Putonyourshoes · 07/11/2022 06:25

To be honest this sounds like you and your partner have shared the rough night, he’s missed out on a couple hours sleep and so have you. It happens. I’m not sure on what grounds you think it’d be reasonable to say no to taking your DS after your husband had already been up for some time with him? I think what he suggested, that you swap over at 04:30, was entirely reasonable.

Putonyourshoes · 07/11/2022 06:26

And if the problem is that your partner chose to deal with the night wake by taking him into bed with him to sleep together. Unless I’m reading it wrong, is that not what you did when you took over at 04:30?

Original poster
Nearlymorning · 07/11/2022 06:28

@Putonyourshoes because his first response if DS wakes is to take him into bed with him.

If he’d resettled DS in his cot, DS sleeps, he can go back to sleep. But he doesn’t.

We (well, I!) had months of absolute torture due to this until we sleep trained a few months ago. No one gets a wink of sleep when DS is in the bed, and I really don’t want him getting back into old bad habits.

OP posts:
Original poster
Nearlymorning · 07/11/2022 06:28

I didn’t take DS into bed with me though @Putonyourshoes - he was already there.

OP posts:
Shoxfordian · 07/11/2022 06:34

I suppose you could have put him back in his cot

Sounds like you need to be on the same page with your dp- does this sort of thing often happen?

Putonyourshoes · 07/11/2022 06:35

I’m fairness you resettled DS in his cot twice and he has still woke again less than an hour later, so you say resettling in his cot and everyone gets to sleep but that doesn’t have seemed to have been the case last night.
ive been guilty of, when my son won’t settle in the night, taking him into bed with me. Neither of us will probably sleep much but if it’s seeming like it’s going to be a restless night anyway I’d rather at least be lying down and resting - maybe your DP thought the same.
Besides, I don’t think one night of bed sharing will have the lasting impact you’re worrying about.

pastabakeonaplate · 07/11/2022 06:37

My DH tries this. Even though it's never worked for our little one.

Work out a shift pattern during day time hours. We do one hour to hour and a half (as long as can bare and often all they need these days) then the other takes over

BattenburgDonkey · 07/11/2022 06:39

Settling him in the cot wasn’t working either though, your DS was clearly just having a bad night. I don’t think either of you have done anything wrong.

ThatPirateLady · 07/11/2022 07:02

I’m confused about why you didn’t just put your son back in his cot at 4.30 if that’s your preferred option

WaddleAway · 07/11/2022 07:04

Settling him in his cot wasn’t working though, as he kept waking up. Maybe your DH decided to try something different as he kept waking?

theemmadilemma · 07/11/2022 07:09

Ffs, they worked hard to get baby in a cot. They can sleep in between with baby in a cot.

It must be utterly frustrating to have DH go backwards.

Putonyourshoes · 07/11/2022 07:13

theemmadilemma · 07/11/2022 07:09

Ffs, they worked hard to get baby in a cot. They can sleep in between with baby in a cot.

It must be utterly frustrating to have DH go backwards.

Having the toddler in the bed during a particularly wakeful and disruptive night isn’t going backwards. DH got up with the toddler while the OP got some sleep. When he asked to swap back over, the OP could have put the toddler back in the cot then, but she didn’t, she also lay in bed with her DS.
I’ve been there, after a long night up with a baby/toddler. It makes you feel resentful. But last night was a difficult one for OP and her partner and they took it in turns to be with the waking toddler, it happens and you don’t need to play the blame game.

WaddleAway · 07/11/2022 07:14

theemmadilemma · 07/11/2022 07:09

Ffs, they worked hard to get baby in a cot. They can sleep in between with baby in a cot.

It must be utterly frustrating to have DH go backwards.

some people can… when my children woke in the night it took me hours to get back to sleep (insomnia). I’d often not manage to get back to sleep before the next wake up.
People don’t always make the most logical decisions at 2.30am after being woken multiple times. He was obviously just trying to settle the baby. DH often does things I wouldn’t necessarily do and vice versa, sometimes they work and sometimes they don’t.
OP why didn’t you put him back in the cot at 4.30am?

Original poster
Nearlymorning · 07/11/2022 07:15

You’re right - being grumpy.

I think I still have PTSD from over a year of terrible sleep!

OP posts:
Putonyourshoes · 07/11/2022 07:18

Nearlymorning · 07/11/2022 07:15

You’re right - being grumpy.

I think I still have PTSD from over a year of terrible sleep!

Not sleeping is absolute torture OP, I feel your pain. I think you both did well to get through the night together by taking “shifts”. Maybe have a conversation (on a better day, or after some coffee!!) about how you want to be on the same page about how to deal with waking in future.
But for today just be grateful you both got the few hours shut eye you did by working together.

Original poster
Nearlymorning · 07/11/2022 07:20

In general though when DS is in his cot even if you don’t manage to get back to sleep you do get an hour of not being kicked etc!

DH does tend towards taking DS in bed with him as the first resort when to me it’s an absolute last. We do need to talk about it but not at 4 in the morning, indeed!

OP posts:
Brefugee · 07/11/2022 07:20

I don't get the issue. Assuming you went to check the cot, no DS but you know he's awake, isn't your assumption going to be "DH is handling it" and go back to bed? Just because he does things differently doesn't mean they're wrong.

But agree with pp - you need to work out a strategy.

Original poster
Nearlymorning · 07/11/2022 07:23

Well - it kind of IS wrong if it results in no sleep for anyone.

I mean, if DH makes the choice for him that’s one thing but then if because of the choice he makes it’s harder to resettle DS the following night then that is not really fair. I’m not saying he was doing it to be unkind or anything but it’s not something that has no impact at all either.

OP posts:
Putonyourshoes · 07/11/2022 07:25

Nearlymorning · 07/11/2022 07:20

In general though when DS is in his cot even if you don’t manage to get back to sleep you do get an hour of not being kicked etc!

DH does tend towards taking DS in bed with him as the first resort when to me it’s an absolute last. We do need to talk about it but not at 4 in the morning, indeed!

If you were asleep, do you know that your DP didn’t try to resettle in the cot first or have you assumed that?

luxxlisbon · 07/11/2022 07:28

Genuinely confused.
How is it “wrong” for DH to bring him into bed at 2:30 and then his own fault for being tired but then you brought DS in with you at 4:30??
No one made you do that.

pewtypie · 07/11/2022 07:30

YANBU, DH needs to work with you on the sleep training and that means resettling ds in his cot.

It seems posters above think it’s your job to deal with the consequences of DH taking the easy way out.

Y7drama · 07/11/2022 07:33

I can see your point but think you were right not to call him out at 4.30! What’s the point with the sleep training if you’re going to revert back? My dd had a spell of this at a similar age. You have my sympathies, it was hell!

Pinkglittery · 07/11/2022 07:49

We have the exact same issue. DS is same age as yours and has been a nightmare sleeper. I've put loads of effort in and he now goes down awake at 7 and sleeps til about 4.30 (was 5 until the bloody clocks changed) but I always go in to him at night and settle if needed, DP's immediate reaction is to bring him upstairs and try to get him in to our bed because he did it once about 12 fucking months ago and it worked then so let's ignore all the times since that it hasn't shall we Angry
Anyway, just saying I feel your pain!