Grr … to have said NO

[Nearlymorning]

DS (nearly 2) woke twice between 1 and 2. I went in to him and he settled pretty quickly.

He then woke at half 2, and I didn’t hear him that time but DH went into him and took him into bed with him in the spare room.

DS then woke at half four and I was v confused when no DS in the cot but realised DH had taken him into bed with him. DH then asked if I could stay with DS as he’d had no sleep since half two.

AIBU to have said you know what, no, you decided to have him in bed with you so of course you’ve had no sleep.

I didn’t - have had DS in with me since half four: neither of us have slept.

Ah if you've been working to get him in his cot I understand, it would irritate me too. Neither of us likes bed sharing so we've made a conscious decision not to do it, I would be annoyed if DH suddenly did it with our non sleeping toddler because I wouldn't want her getting ideas!

Have a daytime chat about how you'll handle the nights and what's ok and what isn't (he gets a vote here too!). Like a PP, we do an hour shift and then swap, and we alternate nights to go first as the second shift isn't always needed.

@puts the same here. It’s quite rare for DH to wake up to DS but in fairness he does now sleep through about 70% of the time.

@luxxlisbon i am not sure what has confused you.

DH woke at 230 and took DS into bed with him. I then woke at 430 and realised DS was in bed with DH. DH then wanted to sleep so went in the other room.

I could have insisted that DS went in his cot but that would have resulted in crying and DH wanted to sleep. So I could have forced the issue but didn’t, out of consideration.

The point is at no point did I take DS into bed with me. This happened a couple of weeks ago on holiday, DH took DS into the bed with him and it is frustrating. It’s not as big a deal as it felt at 4am to be fair of course!

Sorry @Pinkglittery not puts!

You’re both equal parents, OP. Just because you think it’s wrong to put DS in bed with you doesn’t mean it is. You’re both entitled to your opinions on how to get your DS to sleep.
You say you worked hard to sleep train, did your DP agree with this?

This reminds me of my youngest who was a terrible sleeper. It was easier in the end to bring her into our bed. We were both so sleep deprived for a while. She grew out of it, thank goodness. Think you and your husband need to discuss a consistent plan for next time, and stick to it.

I'm surprised people are siding with your dh! You've worked so hard with the sleep training and it feels like dh is just taking the easy option and being lazy. He should be supporting you and following the same routine. Less confusing for the dc and eventually less disturbed nights for you both! X

I'm usually all for the "equal parents" bit, but OP has said it's rare he gets up. If he's not going to take an equal share in the night wakenings he doesn't get an equal say IMO. Broken sleep is awful and if he's not going to do his fair share then he doesn't get to interfere with OP's efforts.

But, again, easy to get it wrong in the middle of the night. Hopefully a daytime chat will solve it.

She said he rarely wakes up to DS but that he does now usually sleep through 70% of the time. So it’s not often he’d need to wake up to him anyway.
I got the impression from the description of how last night went that OP’s husband is quite happy to get involved. He didn’t wake OP when he heard DS was awake, he went and dealt with the situation himself (and rightly so!). We don’t know why he’s not doing his “fair share” as you see it. My husband doesn’t do his “fair share” of day to day childcare because he works full time and I work part time, so I naturally do more. That doesn’t mean he gets no say in how I parent when he’s not home. So I don’t think it’s necessarily right to say that if they aren’t doing 50/50 of night wakes that the OP’s husband gets no say in how it’s dealt with.