To be quite worried about this, DH says I'm overreacting

[Problemorno]

Hi all. I'm a fairly regular poster but have name changed for this.

So DH has always enjoyed the odd bet or gamble but has never bet more than £5 a week or so. Just recently he received an offer of free spins on one of the slots websites and took it. He deposited £10 and won £20 so put another £10 on. And so on.

Now a month later he has bet around £200 on slots games. He's been very very lucky and won around £600 in that time so technically he hasn't lost any money. Yet. But I keep telling him eventually his luck will run out and he should stop the betting while he's ahead and before he gets hooked. But currently he is still betting around £10 a day, at least that's what he tells me. He has shown me his online banking and it seems to check out.

I should say that he is only betting his own money that's left after bills, not family money (we have a joint account that we put our wages into and that all the bills, food money etc comes out of, and he hasn't touched any of that. We then split whatever is left over and that is our 'fun' money). But I'm terrified it will eventually spiral. After all, didn't most problem gamblers start off like this? He tells me I am catastrophising, it's his money to do what he wants with, he'll stop when he starts losing money and he's only bet so much because he's won so much etc.

Is he right? Am I overreacting? I've heard so many horror stories of lives ruined by gambling addiction. We have two young DC. I don't want to tell him what to do with his own money and have always said that as long as the bills are paid and we have some savings (which we do and they haven't been touched either), he can do what he wants with it. But I'm worried he will spiral. I've always been a saver and financially cautious so maybe that's why I'm leery?

YANBU - You are right to be worried
YABU - You're overreacting

I'm like you OP, and would be terrified that he'll feel compelled to keep gambling, after he starts to lose money. As you say, that's where every gambling addict starts.

It’s already escalating, I’d be worried too.

Beginners luck is called beginners luck for a reason. It needs nipped in the bud.

I’d be horrified by this. I can’t imagine betting a tenner a day, he’s already addicted. Gambling is a mugs game, the dealer always wins. He’s about to start loosing big, he’s just completing the sucking in.

Also stopping when he’s losing means he’ll now lose hundreds, if not thousands, when he does stop.

You are right to be worried. Ask him what his spending limit is in the next fortnight and then get him to show you at the end of the fortnight. If he's annoyed about doing that, be even more worried.

You can go on your online banking act and actually prevent and gambling transactions. You can turn it back on but it takes 3 days. This really helped in our house.

This
and all money is family - he’s rather spend £300 a month on that rather that nice family days out or hearing etc or a £3000 holiday a year ?

Thanks all. Didn't think I was overreacting tbh. He's been lucky so far but it won't last and I'm worried he'll be in too deep before he realises. Think a serious talk is needed!

I'd be worried that he's still using his own money.

If he sees that it's more than luck and thinks he can win more (foolish but we'll go with it...) Then he withdraws the £500 he is up and keeps £100 in his betting account to play with.

If that is used up then that's the end. No more deposits.

Those games are highly addictive and there's no other entertainment value involved so I think you are right to be worried. I say that as someone with a husband that sees betting as a hobby but he puts on small amounts, is strict with limits and even if he loses he enjoys watching the football results or racing so it is in effect a cheap afternoon. I see his accounts. He's not up much but is generally in profit

What he did with the £600 he won would be telling. If he spent it on a treat for the family, added it to savings or did some other worthwhile thing with it, then his story checks out.

If he used the winnings to bet with more, then it shows that what he wants most is the thrill of gambling, rather than the winnings that could add something worthwhile to his life.

I have no idea how you make him see sense unfortunately.

I have a slightly different view point to pps. Maybe 10 years ago, my DH told me he wanted to put £200 into a Paddy Power account. All our finances are joint so he couldn’t have hidden it, but we discussed it and he wanted to do it. I was fine with it, we could afford it and he likes to have an occasional bet. 10 years later, he’s still playing with that original £200. He’s never added anymore….sometimes he’s up by a few £££ sometimes he’s down…
Having said that, it’s not a massive driver for him, he bets on weird things (golf?.) and he literally couldn’t hide any more withdrawals from anywhere…..and it’s certainly not every day or even every week. If it was, we would absolutely be having the conversation…..talk to him op…..

You are right to be concerned. Gambling is very addictive and can escalate very quickly x

But that just means he’s willing to lose £200 and have absolutely nothing to show for it. That’s not control.

Have a read of this. Former premiership professional footballer I once worked with. He started off with small bets too.

redcardgambling.org/about/

So he won £600. Did he cash that out? Because if he didn't, then he absolutely is down if he is having to add extra money daily. Regardless, yes I'd worry if I were you.

Also it's pretty selfish of him to want to spend money on that at the expense of a holiday with his kids. With that attitude is book a holiday without him.

It is addictive and he needs to be aware of that, but if he is using his own spending money then what right do you have to tell him what to spend it on ?

If someone on here said that their husband was stopping them spending £100 of their own money on cigarettes there would an outcry of "financially controlling".

I would discuss frankly that if he wants to spend his spending money on that that is up to him, but if it gets to a state where it might threaten the family finances or pooled money then it would be a very serious issue with serious consequences.

I don’t think you need a ‘right’ to tell people ‘I’m concerned this is a slippery slope for you’. The endless ‘what if the OP was a man’ are so boring, no couple would be delighted at someone pissing money up the wall and having nothing, absolutely nothing, to show for it.

but if he is using his own spending money then what right do you have to tell him what to spend it on ?
If someone on here said that their husband was stopping them spending £100 of their own money on cigarettes there would an outcry of "financially controlling".

This is such misguided advice when it comes to gambling.

But a huge amount of personal spending is "pissing money up the wall and having absolutely nothing to show for it".

I bought some shoes the other week. Worn them twice. My guess is they are worth less than 30% of what I paid for them. Why is that £70 I've lost not pissing money up the wall yet gambling is ?

To me you don't have a choice to dictate what other adults do with their own spending money.

But you do have a choice as to who you are in a relationship with.

I bought some shoes the other week. Worn them twice. My guess is they are worth less than 30% of what I paid for them. Why is that £70 I've lost not pissing money up the wall yet gambling is ?

Because... you have the shoes and can wear them at any point you feel like in the future? Or have I misunderstood?

Wtf - you got shoes for that money. That’s an actual, tangible thing you could point at. You could also resell them if you had the inclination.

Gambling means you have nothing. Nothing to show for £600 except a compulsion to do it again.

Yes and they will be worth even less !

Or spend the money on roller disco. Or netflix. Or wine. Or football matches.

Surely one adult telling another how they should spend their money outside the "relationship money" is finacially controlling, because everyone values different things. Some people see value in stupid things that others wouldn't even consider to have value. There is no universal arbiter of value.

But to me you do have the right to say if the other person ever behaves in a way that threatens the relationship then that will have consequences. So if someone chooses to spend their money on things that could be addictive or destructive to the relationship they need to be clear about the consequences of that.

I don't see any other reasonable way to think about the issue.

But then you’d have wine. Or roller disco. Or Netflix. Or you’d go to football matches.

What is it you think he’s spending money on here? What does he have at the end of it?

What would you have at the end of a football match ?

What do you have at the end of a holiday ?

Nothing but the experience. Same with gambling. You have the experience of gambling. Some people value that experience, some don't. That's not to say it's worth any more or less than the experience of a holiday. It's subjective not objective.

People spend money on shit they value. Everyone values things differently.