To be quite worried about this, DH says I'm overreacting

[Problemorno]

Hi all. I'm a fairly regular poster but have name changed for this.

So DH has always enjoyed the odd bet or gamble but has never bet more than £5 a week or so. Just recently he received an offer of free spins on one of the slots websites and took it. He deposited £10 and won £20 so put another £10 on. And so on.

Now a month later he has bet around £200 on slots games. He's been very very lucky and won around £600 in that time so technically he hasn't lost any money. Yet. But I keep telling him eventually his luck will run out and he should stop the betting while he's ahead and before he gets hooked. But currently he is still betting around £10 a day, at least that's what he tells me. He has shown me his online banking and it seems to check out.

I should say that he is only betting his own money that's left after bills, not family money (we have a joint account that we put our wages into and that all the bills, food money etc comes out of, and he hasn't touched any of that. We then split whatever is left over and that is our 'fun' money). But I'm terrified it will eventually spiral. After all, didn't most problem gamblers start off like this? He tells me I am catastrophising, it's his money to do what he wants with, he'll stop when he starts losing money and he's only bet so much because he's won so much etc.

Is he right? Am I overreacting? I've heard so many horror stories of lives ruined by gambling addiction. We have two young DC. I don't want to tell him what to do with his own money and have always said that as long as the bills are paid and we have some savings (which we do and they haven't been touched either), he can do what he wants with it. But I'm worried he will spiral. I've always been a saver and financially cautious so maybe that's why I'm leery?

YANBU - You are right to be worried
YABU - You're overreacting

No: the football match has a fixed price for a specific entertainment. So does a holiday. You then have the experience, the memory and the joy of that fixed price.

What do you have after gambling?

FFS. The difference is that football matches and Netflix don't tend to be psychologically addictive. Once someone is addicted to gambling it creeps into every area of their life, it will impact on their work and family commitments. That's what makes it OP's business and thats why she can't sit idly by while this escalates.

The experience, the memory and joy of that fixed price you paid for that spin of the wheel.

It's not hard. Value is subjective not objective.

Otherwise you are just judging that the stuff you like is better than the stuff other people like. Which obviously is not true !

If someone gets enjoyment out of burning £5 notes who am I to judge whether that is a worthwhile activity or not ? So long as they enjoy themselves that is all that counts.

It's like saying dancing is better than skiing or cars are better than baking. It just makes no sense.

What if OP was a bloke complaining about his female partner spending £200 on getting her hair and nails done every month. This too is wasteful money that could be better spent on the family. But I doubt many on MN would take the same view.

That is the real slippery slope, when partners start policing one another's behaviour.

Where did I say that someone should sit "idly by" ?

I said to me the consequences should the activity affect the relationship should be made clear.

That goes for any activity though, not just gambling.

But that totally ignores the compulsive spiralling of gambling. There’s no fixed price, there’s no measure of enjoyment. And there’s nothing to show at the end of it - unlike buying shoes.

Fucks sake - what if the OP was a giraffe? It’s totally irrelevant- at least the person spending £200 would have had their hair and nails done. The slippery slope is pissing money up the wall because you’re addicted to the feeling of pissing it up the wall.

@Problemorno yanbu I have a gambling problem - this is the first time I’ve actually said that other than jokingly - and I started just like your husband did!
You get sucked in with a few good wins, then you start to lose. You keep going convinced that big win is going to come again, just one more £10 or £20 …..I think I have it under control but every now and then I find myself on one of the sites again (bingo or slots).
Please, tell him from someone who knows, he needs to step away, put the money he would spend in a jar and every time he is tempted look at the money he has saved and what he can do with that money.

Everyone hears the horror stories of gambling addicts, and they are absolutely real. Just like everyone hears the stories of those that started by trying cannabis once and descend into heroin addicts... Again equally true.
But just for balance, for each horror story there are literally thousands who don't end up this way.

There are no poor bookies. That tells you how likely 'always winning' is.

Is he doing matched betting? That's risk free if done properly

I would be worried too so YANBU, I would ask him to stop for a month and see if he does...if he doesn't or can't then you already have a problem. With the current cost of living crisis I'm surprised anyone has any money to gamble with in the first place!

But there is nothing to show for lots of things that you spend money on, surely you can see that ? It simply isn't a valid argument.

And nearly any activity can be destructive if pursued to the extreme, whether it be gambling, gaming, or even shoe purchasing.

If gambling is so destructive, do you have a right to stop any gambling ? Lottery tickets once a month, horse racing bets on the Grand National once a year, bingo down the town hall ? Where do you draw the line ? Is there some sort of official line that once you cross you are a "serious gambler" and a threat to people around you, or is it as I've already pointed out highly subjective ?

If your confident he is being honest about the extent of it and the money involved, I don’t think this is anything to worry about. As long as he understands your fears about it escalating and shows willingness to keep it within tight limits.
We all have the right to be wasteful with our own money as long as we’re upholding our responsibilities, which you seem confident to he is.

I dont think anyone has said they have any kind of rights, so I’m not sure why you keep saying that.

Gambling is a really quick way to lose a lot of money. You probably could spend the same amount on shoes but it would take longer, you would have the shoes to show for it, and the shoes could be re-sold to make up some of the costs.

I think a good rule is ‘when the fun stops, stop’. And when someone in your life is saying ‘I’m concerned this might be an issue’ I’d say that’s when it gets less fun.

Yes, he's wasting £70 a week on an addiction or something that leads to an addiction. I wouldn't like it at all. Whilst you have your own money, there's a joint responsibility in a marriage.

No you are not over acting at all. I live with a gambling addict, it has bought our marriage to its knees in the past. He hasn't gambled for many years but it is slwzys there. He needs to knick this on the head now.

I do think it's a slippery slope OP, one I've slipped on myself so I know how addictive it is and how easy it is to spiral.

There is the option of putting deposit limits on your account so he can't get carried away - but there's 100s of sites now so easy enough to sign up to an alternative when he hits the limit if he's that way inclined.

I don't think you're overreacting.

I would be worried too. What kind of rotten, greedy government would allow all of these sites that are just o easy to get addicted to as it is a solitary game. Strange how ALL of the ads have groups of people having a supposed whale of a time. A lot of them are actually Israeli owned but ironically, it is banned in Israel.

@GasPanic why change it to cigarettes though , just use the same scenario, if a man came on here saying his wife had escalated from spending £10 a week gambling to £10 a day I'm sure the answers would be the same.

And to the OP yes I would be very worried with the direction this is headed in , if he can't cut it right back down or stop for a while then surely there is already the start of an issue.

I'd be wary, too, OP. One of my in-laws developed a gambling addiction, which started with a few pounds and culminated in not paying the mortgage.

We're probably not so far away from the end result.

But we're a long way away from the thinking that gets to that point.

To me if you are going to debate will someone or ask them to change their behaviour you're going to have a more successful chance of doing that if your argument is intellectually rigorous and pretty much irrefutable.

Statements like "gambling is a waste of money" have no logic behind them and are highly judgemental.

To say to someone "stop wasting your own money on gambling because I don't value it" comes across as controlling to me - a right that to me people don't have - for reasons that I said earlier - everyone values different things in different ways.

To say "I am concerned about your gambling because of the effect it might have on our future relationship" is perfectly valid, because everyone has a right to be concerned about things that might affect their relationship.

People may believe this is just semantics, but to me it is about thinking about the problem in the right way, not only that, a way that is practically impossible to debate against. No one can argue people don't have a right to be concerned about their future relationships. Plenty of people will argue that they have a right not to be told how to spend their own money.

But gambling is a total waste of money. It’s a complete waste. Because you have nothing to show for an increasing expenditure.

And you’re still going on about rights, even though you’re the only person who mentioned (and continues to mention) rights.

That's not true at all. I know an independent bookie well and they are struggling.

Gambling is like drugs. Both can be lethal. But plenty of people do both without throwing their lives away. And gambling is perfectly legal. I have gambled regularly for 20 years. I pay my mortgage, bills, other expenses every month and go on nice holidays. But gambling is entertainment for me and I enjoy it. I spend less on gambling than my husband spends on hux football season ticket, and, in terms of hours of entertainment, I get more value out of it. I'm confident I'd never put the house or lifestyle at risk - I can stop. However, I've also seen people who can't, and I know gambling addiction is a very real illness.

Gaspanic you sound like you are protesting too much. In any case I don't think the OP or people on this thread think the H shouldn't spend his money on what he likes. The worry is that he will start spending on gambling not because he likes it but because he will be compelled to do it. That's not just about how it will affect the relationship but how it will affect his personality and well being too, since presumably she loves him.

Anyone who has ever lived with an addict will recognise that 'I can stop whenever I want' is what they all say and if it takes hold of a loved one you are at the mercy of an illness that makes the sufferer lie and cease to care about anything that isn't the addiction. In this case the addiction IS spending money so of course somebody whose finances are intertwined is going to be worried. Nothing to do with 'if she were a man' which as a pp said is such a boring comparison people resort to on here.