Being the ‘other woman/man’ is very dangerous/life threatening

[Hotsauceinmybag]

Am I being unreasonable and dramatic to think this?

I am really into true crime podcasts (morbid I know).

One thing that’s really stuck out to me is the lengths people will go too when they feel their family is under threat.

So many non-violent and mentally well/happy people who have literally murdered due to affairs.

This works all ways too, such as:

The other woman/man killing their lovers spouse

The spouse finding out and killing the OW/M

The married person killing their spouse to be with OW/M

The married person killing the OW/M to stop them telling the spouse.

The majority of these people/cases were ordinary people with no history of being abusive/aggressive.

I think I’m even more so intrigued because other awful things happen to families/couples from outsiders or each other that causes immense pressure but they don’t seem to illicit these reactions (bereavements, abuse of child by outsider, debt’s, hidden addictions etc).

I think people really don’t realise that when your messing with someone’s marriage/family, you can actually be messing with your life.
A few sexual encounters with a nice enough married man/woman could actually cause their perfectly ordinary spouse a mental break where they literally kill you or their husband/wife.

The person your having an affair with and think is lovely/normal could literally panic and murder you if they get even a whiff that you may tell somebody about your relationship.

I honestly don’t think people realise just how risky these types of relationships are too engage in. It’s not just the moral aspect or causing pain to others, but what other people are capable of when it comes to their family being ‘under threat’.

am I being unreasonable and dramatic to think this?

I probably am!

yes yabu and a bit over-dramatic.
Tbh on those grounds, getting married is extremely risky. Think how many murders are of spouses by spouses.

Even more dangerous being female and heterosexual. Don't even have to be married to get murdered by men.

er yes you’re being ridiculously dramatic, those things end up on podcasts and make the news because they’re rare

This doesn’t really happen much in real life. I actually wish it would more. I’ve been burgled, beaten up and raped on more than one occasion. Nothing mentally screwed me up more than being betrayed by the person I loved the most. I believe there should be prison sentences for people who commit adultery. I’m sure I’ll get abuse for this opinion, but I’m sure I’m not the only one who literally wished a slow death upon their cheater or ow.

Actually you could be quite spot on op, it's a mix at times as you just never know, it's like a friend I know, all the obvious yea, I'm layed back personality sorts thing yet then do a couple what seems.like just normal human behaviour e.g. They are late sometimes and it's just sorry I'm late, so all seems well, yet when I did similar, I got my head chewed for it, yet I thought charming.

Getting married/being with a man in general is quite dangerous.

I think where you’re going out on a limb a bit is presuming it happens more often because it’s the focus of true crime podcasts more often than other murders - that’s just because it’s more ‘interesting’ than trying to sustain an hour long podcast on ‘a man murdered his wife AGAIN.’ I mean a man killed a woman? Fork spotted in kitchen.

It’s like how on Criminal Minds it will always come out that the victim was having an affair and being blackmailed by their ex foster brother from when they were 10 and be close to losing their job. It just makes it more entertaining etc, it doesn’t mean they are more high risk.

Plus any unhappy marriage (ie when somebody is cheating) is more likely to be explosive.

you wish the other woman had been murdered? what the fuck is wrong with you

Mentally well people do not murder their spouse to be with the OW/OM (or any of the other examples you gave).

These people were always psychos, they just hid it well beforehand.

I don’t think your alone in your opinion.
A case I listened too a while back, the wife was adamant her husband was having an affair with a colleague but had no proof, so tracked him, planted listening devices on him etc. Upon listening to it she drove to that woman’s house and shot her.

her husband was interviewed and was shocked to the core as she was not violent at all. If anything he expected her to do the usual stuff of kicking him out after shouting at him etc.
Her actions came out of nowhere.

What triggered this thread was I was watching this news clip of a murder that just happened in America. A man was having an affair and broke it off. The OW was enraged and started continuously calling his wife.
he was trying to get his wife to forgive him but the OW kept calling her. So he killed the OW in broad daylight.

Again a family with 2.4 kids and all that.

YABU.

Only an deranged lunatic would murder someone.

The OW/OM angle is irrelevant, IMO, because no one sane would murder them regardless of circumstances.

I would argue that someone capable of murdering their spouse/ex/rival is just as capable of murdering anyone else and therefore the danger is in being anywhere near the murderer under any circumstances.

Just because someone lives a conventional-seeming life and their acquaintances think they are "normal" that doesn't mean they are non violent or sane. Lots of psychopaths are able to maintain a facade when it suits them.

Well, it is rare, but maybe less rare than people think. An awful lot of murders go almost unreported , especially now that local newspapers are pretty much defunct.

Thirty five years ago, we moved into a very quiet, middle class village. One of our neighbours was virtually never seen out. We were told that she had ‘ never got over’ the death of her daughter.

Her son in law was having an affair with a woman who wanted him to leave his wife, which he refused to do. So she went down to pub in a fairly rough area, and found someone to murder the wife. She paid £3000.

BTW everyone concerned is long dead, so not outing.

Most examples of murderers are people who were previously considered to be pretty normal by their acquaintances. Have you never heard of the "He was such a quiet man, kept himself to himself..." trope? That's what neighbours usually say when someone turns out to be a serial killer or similar.

Okay I accept IABU.

I guess I’m just shocked at the lengths people will go too rather than just get a divorce and move on.

When I think about it, when entering an affair your entering into a 3 way relationship with the 3rd person being unaware their even in this relationship. How they react when they find out there relationship has an extra person is anyones guess. But likely not murderous rampages I accept.

Anxiety, depression, ocd, ptsd, insomnia off the top of my head. Started when I was close to finishing a course that would have had my career made. Was gaslighted by my oh for 9 months about his affair before I caught them. I had a baby and a toddler I was breastfeeding at the time, they gave me an std which my baby had to be tested for. I had a breakdown and failed my course, lost my house as he left and I couldn’t afford it on my own, had to move back in with my mum and piece of shit stepdad. Fucked my life up and I’m still not right over a decade later. I’ll never be the same again. Also witnessed the breakdown of my parents marriage after my sister looked out of the kitchen window one night and caught my mother shagging some man she met in the pub in the car outside the house. Also had to facilitate my sister in getting her baby back after her partner left for another woman, the pair of them decided to break into my sisters house one day and steal the baby. Fuck anyone who cheats on their partners and fuck anyone who shags someone they know is in a relationship. FYI the person who my partner cheated with was eventually tortured to death by another man she was cheating with, can send you the link for proof if you like. Think I’ve pretty much outed myself at this point.

I am so so sorry that you had to go through all that. I honestly truly am. Sounds horrendous.

I guess I’m just shocked at the lengths people will go too rather than just get a divorce and move on.

This is about a type of person who cannot bear to lose face - to the extent they will murder - rather than a specific type of situation.
Family annihilators are another group. Some murder out of revenge or spite, but a fair proportion because they are about to be prosecuted and don't want their partner and children to find out.
Its rare but imo its interesting. I'd never get involved with someone who cannot bear to lose face. They may be a low risk for violence overall, but if they do choose violence there seems to be a risk it will be extreme.

There’s definitely something in it for countries where ‘crimes of passion’ are considered. This is just from a quick Google, not proven resources, but research suggests that between 10-30% of people get acquitted for murder when partners have been caught having affairs etc. I guess it happens more in countries where they know they may ‘get away’ with it.

I went to a talk once done by adult children who survived a family annihilation. Their siblings and mother did not.

You are right, it does seem to be about ‘losing’ in many instances.

The fact their are laws around a ‘crime of passion’ shows just how common it has the potential to be.

Infidelity being the cause of someone’s death seems irrational in broad daylight. But the pain must be all encompassing.

YABVU - melodramatic victim-blaming. Nobody deserves to be murdered just because they were having an affair. As others have said, by your logic, women shouldn't enter into relationships with men at all, given the prevalence of domestic violence (to be clear, I don't agree - just applying your logic...).

Huh? How am i victim blaming?
I don’t think anyone should be murdered. Especially not over sex.

But that doesn’t negate the fact that murder happens. I even said that it isn’t just the OW/M that’s murdered. But others within the love triangle.

If your not interested in the discussion then don’t comment?

No. Laws about "crimes of passion" were implemented in a patriarchal society to protect men who were domestic abusers and family annihilators. Women are property, and you're allowed to destroy your property when you're angry.

I'm interested but I think you're wrong. As I said, I think it's a wider issue - women are much more likely to be murdered by a partner/spouse than by a more distant relative or a stranger. However the vast majority of women in relationships, be they monogamous or affair relationships, do not get murdered.

I know the case you're talking about. That murdered had been abusive to his wife and children for many years. It wasn't a crime of passion or fear of losing face, it was plain old domestic abuse and control by a violent man towards those weaker than him. Far less glamorous.

Honestly, some of the points you are making are massive offensive. I thought we'd moved on from defending violent men by saying "they were driven to it, they couldn't help it".