Being the ‘other woman/man’ is very dangerous/life threatening

[Hotsauceinmybag]

Am I being unreasonable and dramatic to think this?

I am really into true crime podcasts (morbid I know).

One thing that’s really stuck out to me is the lengths people will go too when they feel their family is under threat.

So many non-violent and mentally well/happy people who have literally murdered due to affairs.

This works all ways too, such as:

The other woman/man killing their lovers spouse

The spouse finding out and killing the OW/M

The married person killing their spouse to be with OW/M

The married person killing the OW/M to stop them telling the spouse.

The majority of these people/cases were ordinary people with no history of being abusive/aggressive.

I think I’m even more so intrigued because other awful things happen to families/couples from outsiders or each other that causes immense pressure but they don’t seem to illicit these reactions (bereavements, abuse of child by outsider, debt’s, hidden addictions etc).

I think people really don’t realise that when your messing with someone’s marriage/family, you can actually be messing with your life.
A few sexual encounters with a nice enough married man/woman could actually cause their perfectly ordinary spouse a mental break where they literally kill you or their husband/wife.

The person your having an affair with and think is lovely/normal could literally panic and murder you if they get even a whiff that you may tell somebody about your relationship.

I honestly don’t think people realise just how risky these types of relationships are too engage in. It’s not just the moral aspect or causing pain to others, but what other people are capable of when it comes to their family being ‘under threat’.

am I being unreasonable and dramatic to think this?

I probably am!

OP you’re being mental but hahaha a prison sentence for adulterers. Jesus Christ.

right, and are you glad she was tortured to death for being the other woman or…?

Where Have I defended anyone?
why are you talking about violent men? I’m talking about infidelity crime. I’ve clearly stated about women murdering within that. This thread isn’t ‘men who kill women’. It’s about INFIDELITY. Women murder too you know.

I even laid out various scenarios of the affair partner, spouse and infidele partner murdering in my opening post.

If your offended by true crime then don’t read it anymore and hide this thread.

This is the case - the brothers are campaigning to stop men who murder their families being sympathised with in media reports. To stop these kinds of murder being treated as "crimes of passion" or moments of madness by an otherwise blameless man.

www.theguardian.com/world/2019/apr/03/bereaved-son-ryan-hart-family-killings-reported

Men like this do not murder because they are driven to it by love or passion - they murder because they are abusive pieces of shit whose main aim is to control the people around them.

Infidelity crime is committed by people (mainly men) who are abusive pieces of shit. These are not blameless men caught up in circumstances beyond their control, or carried away in the moment.

We must listen to very different true crime podcasts. Women can be violent but they rarely commit murder to remove a woman they feel in competition with, they more often engage in harassment remotely rather than direct violence. They are rarely normal well balanced individuals.

The perpetrators are nearly always men and they nearly always kill their spouse or the entire family. There is nearly always a history of stalking before someone murders an intimate or ex partner. These men are never "normal" loving spouses they are nearly always controlling and abusive.

Whilst I don't condone people engaging in adultery it's no excuse for murder and what we really need is better mechanisms for dealing with domestic violence and stalking. People also need to appreciate what a dangerous signal stalking is too.

Forgot to mention that on many of the podcasts I've listened to the men justify their actions by saying that if they can't have their partner then no one else can. It's chilling how they view women as property which belongs to them.

Exactly - the number of women committing these crimes is tiny compared to the number of abusive men doing it. Any discussion of it needs to reflect that the most common scenario is a man killing a woman, and usually it is a man with a strong track record for misogyny and control.

Agree - it's all about control.

The whole concept of the "crime of passion" is about justifying men killing the women who they see as their property (be it a spouse or a mistress). And it has to be considered in that context.

Show me a 'nice guy' saying that he was driven to a moment of madness by an affair, and I will show you an abusive violent man.

Which podcasts are you listening too out of interest?

the ones I’ve recently listened too are actually about women who’ve killed. I’m currently watching the series Candy about Candance Montgomery who killed her affair partners wife.

the most common scenario is a man killing a woman, and usually it is a man with a strong track record for misogyny and control.

I agree with this - and they are often very good at hiding it, presenting a respectable face to the world.
So many women are themselves unable to recognise coercive control in their own relationships because its dressed up as something else, especially in the early stages. So we never hear their side of the story after its too late.

Women make up a small minority of intimate partner murderers though. I don't need to listen to a podcast to know that - just look at the stats.

You appear to have listened to a podcast or two about a female murderer and assumed that this is similarly common to men murdering their partner and blaming it on an affair.

And you are also assuming that just because someone's neighbour says they seemed normal, that it must be true. Which is clearly bollocks.

Female murderers attract more publicity precisely because they are comparatively rare.

Of course I know men are more violent and commit the most of practically every crime going.

but if I wanted a discussion about male violence, I’ve had titled the threat ‘men are more violent’. We all know that.

alas, I’ll keep my true crime discussions to Reddit.

But OP you can't have a discussion about affairs and murder without recognising the fact that over 90% of murders are committed by men (and the vast majority of domestic violence is committed by men too). Your talk of crimes of passion just seems like you are excusing abusive men. And your flippant comment about women being murderers too just shows that you don't want a serious discussion on this.

This is what you said you wanted to discuss:

"So many non-violent and mentally well/happy people who have literally murdered due to affairs."

Except it's bollocks. The people (mainly men) who murder in the context of an affair are not non-violent and mentally well. They have usually been conducting a campaign of control, stalking and intimidation behind closed doors for years before they eventually kill the object of their anger.

What people are trying to say is that the premise of your thread is wrong. They are not murdering "due to affairs", they are murdering "due to being an abusive psychopath".

It’s it a case of fuck around and find out.

women are more likely to poison people they wish to kill while men are more likely to create messy murder scenes.

I wonder how many men have actually been murdered in ways that would look more like undiagnosed diabetes etc or sudden allergic reaction from say wife’s knowing their allergies or how to get away with it.

Which podcasts are you listening too out of interest?

I listen to lots of different true crime podcasts and YouTube channels which cover a range of crimes but Strictly Stalking covers intimate partner violence/murder quite well. Some of the stories are harrowing, particularly when scared women are so let down by the police/law.

I’m happy she’s dead tbh, and so are a lot of other women I know. I do wish she’d died in a less harsh way.

absolutely batshit. I hope you’re seeking help for your insanity

It’s carelessness and either partner in crime (so to speak) not adhering to strict ground rules - that’s why Casual dating is safer - where there’s no urgency for weekly meets - careful planning and fun in secrecy where no one gets hurt but it strengthens a long term marriage where sexual and intimate needs are suitably satisfied away from home, keeping the same old, same old marital bubble intact - usually for the sake of the children.

It’s strange … there are so many judgmental people with closed minds to an important issue - what happens in a long term marriage where one or both partner(s) have lost interest in intimacy BUT the lack of same is driving one partner to seek out secret fun in places like, POF and illicit encounters … How many married women or men have enjoyed a secret affair without being caught out by their boring husband or wife? It’s not Bat-shit - it’s a real life scenario that happens in long term marriages

I suppose as far as reasons for premeditated murder go, love – or imagined love, or love turned to hate, etc – is one of the most common ones. Could be that it makes even normal people act animalistic, or conversely that those people were bound to find some other emotional trigger to murder anyway.

So YANBU on that account. (I'm blindly guessing that the other big reason is money, and then a small % are due to sadism or miscellaneous revenge lol.) If you're interested, there are detailed ONS stats on this every year, telling you the % breakdown of different relationships between murderer and victim, the circumstances/reason for murder, etc.

But YABU in that:

(1) your POV is skewed by the drama loving nature of true crime. Even if we are looking at murderers, true crime probably disregards the most common and mundane forms of murders, eg random street stabbings. It's probably more dangerous going home late some days than shagging a random married bloke.

(2) You're looking at a self selecting sample (murderers). Look at the average person instead, the whole human population. People don't typically murder, even in extreme circumstances.

Even for the country with the highest murder rate in the world, their murder rate is only about 50 per 100,000 people. As a super rough estimate, some research claims as many as 25% of men cheat, so let's say 25000 per 100,000 people will be caught up in infidelity - only about 50 of them will go on to murder. That's 24950 people who manage not to off someone. Obviously simplistic example but hopefully you can see what I mean.