To give up on mum's mental health problems

[Stickystitch]

My mum is an insomniac and agoraphobic with general anxiety. Her and my dad retired to a remote(ish) rural area a few years ago, hours away from me and my brother.

Mum has no friends or relatives, spends her days doing housework and watching TV. She barely eats, won't socialise or do gentle exercise, which is all making her MH worse. My dad was meant to go to an event in London recently for his brother's 70th. But Mum can't tolerate being alone for a few hours without him, and had a breakdown. After arriving at the venue, Dad had to immediately drive 3 hours back home because she rang him, while lying naked on the kitchen floor, saying she wanted to die. She's kind of holding my dad hostage.

It might sound like I'm being uncaring but this has caused me and my family so much stress and worry since I was a child, I'm exhausted. She'a been on medication and been to numerous therapists but none of it helps.

I remember worrying about my mum every day while I was at school, and I still worry every day about how she is and her quality of life and it's really burdening me. (She's only early 60s!). I speak to her 1-2 times a week and it's HOURS of her offloading all her 'problems.' My brother is nowhere to be seen in all of this and thinking he might have the right idea - aibu to start reducing my contact too for my own MH? I've accepted she'll be like this forever now and there is nothing I can do to help. But I also feel guilty.

I would reduce contact. There is no reason to allow her to take you down with her You definitely have no reason to feel guilty. Your mothers mental health issues are not your fault. I would probably try and support your poor dad though. That sounds awful for him.
I'm so sorry you're having to deal with this

You need to reduce your contact.

Your poor dad. Is he ok with living like a hermit or does want to leave her?

I think deep down my dad would leave her. But she has nothing. She's never worked, has no money, wouldn't be able to cope with the logistics of finding somewhere to live etc. Wouldn't cope living alone. There's always the looming possibility that she would end her life. My dad isn't perfect, but deserves to enjoy his retirement. He just can't though. All his retired friends and family are living life. He's stuck at home babysitting my mum.

Maybe your dad leaving her would free your mum?

No point in both being miserable.

I think you both need to talk to her and tell you’re at the end of your tether.

Does your Mum have any input from any Mental Health Professionals?

This is a desperately sad situation. I feel so sad for everyone involved as I understand first hand the awful and debilitating bastard that mental health issues are because I have them too.

It’s fucking awful for the sufferer and the ones close to them as well.

My advice is for your Dad to contact the Dr first thing tomorrow and to take it from there. Tell them how honestly bad it is and to ask for help.

For all of you but mainly for your poor Mum.

Please don’t give up on her. She needs you.

Massive massive hugs to you 💕

Has your mum EVER made any attempts to manage this? This would be a huge factor. She's controlled things for your dad (and you) for years, he's been the sole earner for years, how did she manage while he was out at work?
Who decided the rural move?

I wouldn't blame you for reducing contact with her.

Can you focus on contacting your dad more? He must be desperate.

I can't help feeling that if he did take a holiday for example that she would end up needing to be admitted to a mental health unit and perhaps that might be a good thing. But I'd encourage him to take a proper break for his own sake and then see what happened.

Your mum needs a friend or your Dad needs to push for home carers via social services. Is he a registered carer for her? Most councils having funding for carer respite. So your Dad could have hired a carer to house sit with your mum while he was away.

I think your mum and dad should not give up on your mum. She’s been on medication and seen countless therapists so she’s tried to fix herself. The obvious step if she cannot be fixed, is to get wider support network for her so it’s not only your dad who is her safe person. I agree it’s too much to expect for one person to carry the load of a disabled person by themselves especially when the carer is at retirement age and less able themselves.

Moving to an isolated rural location was a mistake, your Dad should consider moving to a decent sized village or small town.

My mums mental health can be hard to deal with. She’s quite agoraphobic, anxious, paranoid, is a hoarder, is amazing at mental gymnastics and very manipulative. She won’t get help, we’ve tried and tried, but it all just ends in hysterics and her talking about her own death. Last time she tried to read my sister poetry that she’s written for us to read after she’s dead.

i deal with it by just having a superficial relationship with her. I don’t and never have relied on her for anything. We discuss the day to day and don’t dig deeper. I listen to her minute by minute accounts of her big events, eg. Her trip to the supermarket and don’t tell her anything other than the surface facts about my life. If I mention I’m busy for example, she’s far busier. Never mind that I’m raising teenage kids, work full time and doing a degree and she hasn’t worked in 35 years and genuinely does next to nothing all day. You can’t argue with her, so what’s the point.

I can’t, for the sake of my own mental health carry on trying to get her out to get help. It’s ruled our lives since childhood and I’m done. I feel for my dad, he has to live with her and she’s so controlling of him. But he buries his head in the sand and just doesn’t want to deal with it either. It’s his way of coping. Suggesting she gets help only makes her harder to live with for him.

if I were you I’d take my approach. Talk to her about superficial things, but don’t get too emotionally invested. And sorry this turned into be venting about my own mother!

You’re definitely not being unreasonable. I have been in this situation with a family member and had to go no contact. It was exhausting and draining, with a constant worry that they might harm themselves. Ten years later and they’re still alive, probably still draining the life out of anyone who will listen.

I have also been in this situation recently with a friend, it was non stop drama. I felt sorry for her and tried to help but I have realised that she creates the drama and she actually enjoys it. Any attention is attention.

It is not your responsibility to try and make your mum happy or try to make her live a normal life.

I think actually posts like yours are helpful @Ohhelpicantthinkofaname (in my opinion) as they can see that they're not alone in experiences or thinking like they do. Especially as its not a 'your poor mum, keep putting her first even though everyone else is at breaking point'.

Though reading your post again, your mum does sound even more extreme than mine and possibly at a point where she may need inpatient help. If she actually threatening suicide and you don’t think it’s an empty threat then I’d probably call the gp and see whether they think that a period of inpatient treatment may help her.

But Mum can't tolerate being alone for a few hours without him, and had a breakdown. After arriving at the venue, Dad had to immediately drive 3 hours back home because she rang him, while lying naked on the kitchen floor, saying she wanted to die. She's kind of holding my dad hostage.

so she was saying that she spent 6 hours lying on the kitchen floor naked? 3hrs there then same back? Was condition was she in when he arrived home, had she really not been to the loo, moved, eaten or drunk in that Time? I'd imagine she wouldn't be in very good condition, or is there a chance she just said this and knew what time he'd be back and stripped and placed herself on the floor?

I have suffered from agoraphobia, it's he'll, but the only person who can help her is her own self.
She needs proper mental health support from a professional to try to understand the root cause of what she thinks will happen if she leaves home. Your dad is not helping by giving in to her manipulation, she of course may not be aware this is what she's doing, she's just terrified.

It's exhausting hor her & your dad & you. She needs strategies to cope when the panic threatens to overwhelm her & the will to improve. Has she been investigated for underlying depression or other physical problems? I understand how hard it is for all involved.
I can't recognise the woman I was back then , I am an anxious person too but am aware of my mental health & recognise the triggers & that a panic attack is often an abnormal response to a normal situation so if one threatens I practice my breathing or whatever until it passes.
There are no quick fixes to agoraphobia especially after it has taken over her life & your dad's but giving in to her just feeds it. She has to want to get better, it's controlling behaviour actually but she won't realise that & it probably didn't start like that. She needs professional help which I know has long waiting lists.
You have my sympathy.

I feel for you and your dad so much
the obligation is so so strong isn’t it. Weirdly in these sort of dynamics there’s always a sibling or two who have completely gone the other way and washed their hands. They often get slated by the others in the family but they’re most likely the smartest ones of all, to not be relied upon
could you and your dad go somewhere for a few hours, maybe 30-45 mins from their home. A walk, pub lunch etc? And refuse to come home, if she calls. Maybe engineer a flat tire, you had a funny turn and need to sit down and eat, there’s terrible traffic? To see what she actually does?

My mum was like this after retirement- became a depressed hermit, stopped eating completely, seemed to develop every mental health issue you can possibly imagine.

When you're around someone close to you like that, it's draining and after many, many months (probably 2-3 years actually, time goes fast when you're having fun!!) I had to pull away.

My mum had support from a counsellor, the crisis team, local support groups, she didn't really engage with anyone and most of the time cancelled appointments which we'd find out about afterwards. She tried to commit suicide 3 times in total, each time destroying my dad abit more. She was extremely selfish, as in didn't even have fleeting thoughts of other people. Expected me to drop everything during maternity leave to see her, calling me every day for hours moaning about her life and MH problems (whilst I was looking after a colicky baby who never slept- she never asked about that).

Did you have a good/ healthy relationship with your mum growing up? I think that def plays a part in how you respond now.

I'm probably bias but I really think if someone is on the path of total self destruction, whatever age, no one can really help unless that person wants to change. Does your mum want to change? If not, you need to pull away for your own sanity.

Well maybe, but I do think we need to accept that there are people (and quite a few) who are extremely mentally ill and can't be helped. Not that they should be allowed to inflict this n others, but saying that she hasn't engaged with enough treatment or is manipulative is not fair. There are people who even with all the resources in the world cannot be helped. Just like there are physical illnesses we cannot cure or even ameliorate, its the same for MH.

Her response to this is always threats to kill herself. So it's tricky.

So what's the answer? The DH literally being held hostage and never allowed to leave the house? What life is that for either of them?

The fact that she will threaten to kill herself if her demands or wants are not met does seem to be highly manipulative? Am assuming she was OK with him going out to work previously?

I know your dad ran back to her out of worry, but at that point instead of driving 3 hours back I'd personally have called 999. She would have been admitted then and some help forced upon her.

I feel for you. From the little we know on this thread it just sounds like your mum needs people close and will use any manipulation tactic to keep them there.

You have worried every day of your life about your mum and nothing has improved. You cannot change her and you cannot change your dad. You need some boundaries - it sounds like your brother has the right idea. Your mum is a bottomless well - you will never give enough. Your dad is an adult and can make his own decisions, even if you don't agree with them. Think about what changes you need to make to help yourself. Don't feel guilty, you have been dealt a poor hand with your mum and deserve to have your own needs regarded.

@Fearnecuptea Sorry to hear that, not having support from your mum when you need it is rubbish. I'm apprehensive about having kids myself because I know she'll think I've got free time to keep calling/visiting her when I'm on mat leave/working part time. But she'll offer me zero help or support with having a baby. It's inevitable that I'm going to end up caring for her as well.

Our relationship has always been a bit odd. Growing up, me and my brother were always well looked after to be fair, can't fault her on that, but she's always been very emotionally distant.

What exactly first brought them together? Why hasn't she been sectioned?

Worrying about her every day of your life hasn’t helped. Trying to help her hasn’t worked.
As someone else said, it will never be enough.

What would you like to happen?