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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

DH LEFT DD (6) ON HER OWN TODAY IN THE HOUSE

116 replies

kerryk · 29/01/2008 13:15

sorry for caps in title

dd1 is of school today with a bad cold, dh is at home (also ill) i went to work and dd2 came with me. i work in a nursery about 40 metres from my house. you come out my door cross the road pass a couple of houses and there you are.

at closing time i told dd to get her coat on as we were about to go home when dh appeared, i asked where dd1 was and he said lying on the couch

i did not want to make a fuss when all the mums were leaving and waited till home to say something, he thinks i am bu, it was for a couple of minutes and only over the road. i his words "whats the worst that could happen"

i think 6 is to young, we stay on a busy road and i was worried that she would get scared and try and cross the road to get to us. i dont think i am being dramatic, i did not think that the house would explode or that someone would snatch her but surley at 6 she should not be left like this.

am i being unreasonable, i know i am to protective of both dd's but i am sure i am right on this one???

OP posts:
Threadlice · 29/01/2008 15:15

Those tiny risks are all there, Justine, but so is the near-certainty that if you don't gradually ease back and give your child independence she will just not have the opportunity to learn to be independent. You can't eliminate risk. If the child had come with her dad there would have been a (probably higher)risk of her being hit by a car. We have become so irrational about risk

scottishmummy · 29/01/2008 15:16

Justine888 - are you of a nervous disposition A health and safety auditor. fire Abduction strangers at your door. Apart from flooding, chemical spillage,and alien abduction you have got it all covered

Justine888 · 29/01/2008 15:23

Woo Hoo - attack Justine day! Lemme at her!
Anything bad could but probably wont happen but, 6 years old is way too young to be left alone the way she was.
All the YNBU banter is fine but god forbid anything did happen... that talk wouldnt keep me warm at night.

PrincessPeahead · 29/01/2008 15:23

god justine I'm surprised you can get out of bed in the morning

you must be careful actually, 8% of serious accidents happen within 3 minutes of getting out of bed

FAQ · 29/01/2008 15:26

PPH - oh that would include when I managed to slide down the entire flight on stairs on my back while holding DS3 when he was tiny........about 1 minute after getting out of bed !

Justine888 · 29/01/2008 15:26

You girls are loving this.... hahahaha

scottishmummy · 29/01/2008 15:28

Justine clamber on down off that ole cross(very carefully mind you dont fall) take a deep breath cos you are being so alarmist. no one is getting at you, just astonished at your vivid imagination of the prevalent dangers facing 6yo in community

clumsymum · 29/01/2008 15:29

Blimey Justine, it's a good thing you don't know us.

I encourage ds to find his own independence, pop across the road and leave him in the house, send him round the corner to the paper shopto buy his own comic, and one day last week when he got bored with waiting for the car to de-frost I let him walk to school on his own !!!

PrincessPeahead · 29/01/2008 15:29

Ouch, FAQ . But, well, exactly. What WERE you doing getting out of bed? Don't you know how DANGEROUS it is?

mrsruffallo · 29/01/2008 15:29

I don't think that anyone has attacked you Justine

PrincessPeahead · 29/01/2008 15:30

oh don't say that mrsruff
there is nothing justine likes more than starting a bit of a fisticuffs

scottishmummy · 29/01/2008 15:31

not fiticuffs - oh dangerous- bruising soft tissue damage, ooo noooooooo

JingleyJen · 29/01/2008 15:31

I would not have been cross at Dh if he had done the same thing.

I think 6 is a reasonable age to be inside the house un attended for 5 minutes if you are close by.

I leave the boys in the house if I have a quick question to ask the neighbour, I go out to the garage to get things and they are alot younger than your DD.

BTW someone mentioned if it was legal to leave your children - there is no legal minimum age for leaving a child at home alone - however it is illegal to leave any child in harms way.

scottishmummy · 29/01/2008 15:33

No legal age to ;leave a child at home in england, but there is in scotland

JingleyJen · 29/01/2008 15:37

what age is that scottish mummy out of interest?

kerryk · 29/01/2008 15:37

i am in scotland, so is what he did breaking the law!!!

OP posts:
Baffy · 29/01/2008 15:38

I don't think you're being unreasonable. Think I'd have felt the same.

Although reading some of the comments on here, I agree that I'll probably find it just as hard as you to start giving my ds a bit more independence.

You are right to be protective of your dd's. We all are, just in different ways.
Justine does have a point in relation to the awful/unexpected things that could happen to our children. But they can happen any time, under any circumstances, even if we're just upstairs - so it's just a case of getting the balance right.

Ultimately though, as parents, we have to do what we feel comfortable with. I personally wouldn't leave a 6yo alone in the house. But that's my own personal choice.

tortoiseSHELL · 29/01/2008 15:40

Skim read the thread, I would leave my 6 year old alone for 10 mins or so, he is sensible, knows the rules about opening the door, wouldn't get out the matches/turn on the oven etc.

In fact I tried to leave him yesterday - he was home from school ill, I had to pop out to pick up ds2, 10 mins max, he was watching tv, so thought he would leap at the chance, but no, he was all 'I'll be LOOOOONELY'.

I think it's perfectly safe tbh. As I always quote, dh took a train journey from London to Felixstowe when he was 6, which included a CHANGE OF TRAINS and he COULDN'T READ to know which train to get on....he was fine.

scottishmummy · 29/01/2008 15:42

i didnt explain it right, in Scotland a babysitter must be 16yo, but no minimum age for your own children being left alone at home.No minimum babysitter age in England

With two high profile cases of parents leaving their children to fend for themselves, BBC News Online asked legal expert Katy MacFarlane of the Scottish Child Law Centre to explain the law governing parental responsibility.

Q. Is there a legal age at which children can be left at home alone?

A. No, there is no minimum in either Scotland or England and Wales. The law takes the view that one 13-year-old could be very mature while a 15-year-old equally immature.

FAQ · 29/01/2008 15:47

PPH - it was VERY "ouch" - not to mention terrifying.....of course my "mothers" instincts took over and I used both hands to protect DS3.....leave my elbows, ankles, head and bottom to get bruised by the stairs.

Justine888 · 29/01/2008 15:50

Glad to see PrincessPeaHead gets it....
"there is nothing justine likes more than starting a bit of a fisticuffs"
There's a few prickly ones around arent there.
Leave 'em at home...6 y.o. or 6 mths old - they've gotta learn some time

PrincessPeahead · 29/01/2008 15:50
scottishmummy · 29/01/2008 15:51

LOL did you get a skelf clambering down off tht ole cross Justine

Justine888 · 29/01/2008 15:52

Good on you Baffy. I agree 100%.

cory · 29/01/2008 15:52

Justine888, the same things could happen to a much older child or even to an adult. What about when she is 15? Even grown-ups can panic in a fire or open the door to a murdering maniac. It has been known. Are you saying she is never to be left alone, because regardless of the dangers, you don't trust the people around?

But that will always be the case. Sooner or later we all have to screw ourselves up to let our children tackle a dangerous world. The question is just when do you start, how do you start, how quickly do you work up to it.

It seems to me that part of the problem for the OP was that she and her dp had not discussed this beforehand; he sprang it on her a bit suddenly.

To my mind, leaving a 6-7-yo alone for a few minutes in daytime is not ott, asuming:

that you have discussed it with her beforehand

that she is happy with the arrangement

that she has agreed to stick to certain rules (e.g. don't answer the door, don't come and look for me, only leave the house in case of fire etc)

that you feel that this particular child is mature enough

I did this with both of mine at that same age, but would not have started any younger- I wouldn't have felt safe trusting a 4 yo.

By the time dd was 9 or 10, I was trusting my her to walk down to the local shops, to walk to school on her own (when her disability allows), and to stay at home for slightly longer periods (say an hour). I also trusted her to play unsupervised on the beach on the very quiet small island where we spend our summer holidays.

Now that she is 11 I allow her to take little brother (7) to the shops or to the local library, and to stay at home in the daytime for several hours. I also trust her to go swimming with friends (same quiet island), as long as she promises to stay in the shallows and never to swim alone.

Next year, she will be going to secondary school, which may involve going to school by public transport. At this stage, I think it is reasonable to allow her to go into the town centre in daytime with a friend of the same age.

Basically, my idea is to build up slowly and gradually, letting my dc's see that every new privilege rests on the idea of responsible behaviour. Sometimes I feel scared about the other people out there (and the cars! and the buses!)- but then I realise I'll feel the same when they are 15, and when they are 18, and (heaven help me!) when they are 45!. I have got to let go at some stage, and my experience as a university teacher suggests that it is not wise to leave it too long.

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