40th birthday dinner - not invited!

[Venetiaparties]

My friend and I have been friends for over a decade. We see each other typically every three weeks, and we have spent many an hour supporting each other through life's twists and turns. Holidays, weekends, family parties and the odd Christmas and Easter we have spent together. We have a great friendship, and she is very special to me.

Her birthday is just after Xmas, she is going to be 40, I asked her what is she doing to celebrate ages ago: a family holiday and a party next summer she confirmed. Since then she updated me to tell me that her old uni friends are hosting a dinner for her on her birthday day night - it is a Friday, all girls dinner organised by her friend I do know her, but not well at all. I am completely fine with this, as they are a very old group of friends and she is very close to them.

The issue is my sister seems really cross about it. She said I should be invited, that if we are such good friends, why wouldn't she invite me, that I am way too easy going and this friend only wants to see me on my own terms.

I don't feel my friend is being unreasonable. I am sure my friend will invite me to the larger party next year, but my sister is insistent that I should not have bought my friend such an expensive gift if I am not even invited to the dinner party. She says I am always like this, too nice and people take advantage. I don't know what to think. My sister has just let my house shaking her head, she usually has my back, and just texted me on the way home to say she loves me but I need to wake up and stop being so naive

Am I being naive as my sister says?
How you would feel?
Should I be upset?

I have said I will let my sister know what you all think. I have NC for this for obvious reasons.

Why would you listen to your sister?

your friends friends is organising a party for that group of friends.

Being friend with someone doesn’t mean you have to be involved in everything they do.

Your sister should butt out. It’s a dinner for uni friends, not a slight not to invite you.

I would not expect an invite to a dinner party of old uni friends unless I head one of them.

Was not head.

Autocorrect

That is PRECISELY what I have told her.
I barely know them! I have met them a handful of times.
I am really relaxed about it.
I am close to my older sister, but she does sometimes give me unsolicited advice.

Don't listen to your sister. Your friend loves you because you're easy going.

It’s refreshing to hear a post from an OP with a sensible way of thinking.
Ignore your sister.

It's a dinner with her uni friends.

Are you a uni friend? No. Then it's not a dinner for you.

Your sister is a stirrer and trying to upset you and taint your friendship. Hi to sister if you really are showing her 👋

My friend sees this group of friends a lot, she is very close to them and has been for years. I don't feel in any way upset about this, and I am happy she has other good friends. I am not sure why I should be upset?!
I have a lovely gift to give her and the conversation today with my sister has made me feel sad (I was showing my sister the gift)

Thank you for posting. I am really doubting myself.

You say yourself it’s a group she is close with not you. You don’t know the girl who is organising it well, so I presume that goes for the rest of the group too? Think DS is taking umbrage on your behalf a bit too proactively. Protectiveness is often part of a sisters remit, but not being included in everything is not a slight on you or your friendship, you’re not twelve and you’re not joined at the hip. Don’t let your sister infect you with her slightly stifling and possessive view of how “friendship” should be and continue to enjoy the lovely version you have.

Everyone has many different friendship groups eg uni mates, mummy mates, work mates etc etc all v separate from each other, and most people are aware that if it's a gathering of one group, where the only common denominator is you and you don't know anyone else you understand the deal. This isn't you being left out of anything it's simply a case of her uni mates organising a little get together for the birthday girl.
Your sister is BU.

My sister is actually really lovely, but can be a bit protective. She said my friend and I are 'closer' therefore I should be going or hosting. I didn't offer to organise anything and I am not sure my friend would want me to/expect me to. Her dh has booked the holiday, her parents are coming to visit and she has a uni dinner. Should she be fitting in something for us? My view is no, as we don't spend every birthday together anyway

Your sis is being a little bit pushy here.no doubt you have other chums you see separately. She no doubt has your interest at heart .just tell her you're happy the way things are .just wrap the pressie and look forward to seeing her next year

Stop telling your sister everything about your life, & then she can't interfere and make ridiculous comments.

If you want to also organise something for her birthday. Speak to her and invite her to something.

It would be odd for the friend to insist you organise something for her birthday. Or invite you to something, people you don’t have organised for a particular group that she isn’t hosting.

Its not protective when it’s turning into trying to creating problems between you and your friend. Your sister may not be intending to do this. But she is trying create a problem in your friendship where there is non.

I could ask friend if she would like to do something to celebrate, but I already know she has xmas, her holiday and her birthday to think about. It is already a lot, and I don't think she will appreciate the added pressure.

She's bonkers. These are her uni friends having a meal.

It's not like a big party to which you aren't invited

I think that it's a bit odd that you don't do anything for each other's birthday's. But seeing as you don't, she isn't obliged to invite you along. Why didn't it occur to you to suggest doing something? However that's Isn't what they thread is about. So on the basis of you not being best friends it's fine for you to not get an invite. It's a different friendship group that is organising something.

My sister is saying if my friend truly valued our friendship she would want me there, but I don't measure the friendship by the number of invites - this friend would be THE person I would call if my family couldn't help and I was in prison or something she is a really good friend to me. She is also has lots of friends and some of them go back much further than me.

She did appreciate it, her other friends are doing it for her.

Her birthday is around xmas and everyone is really busy, inc her. She has a massive family and is always flat out every year. We have done the odd lunch in the past, but nothing much beyond that. She did come to my 40th a few years ago, but I had a big party in the garden. I have always been to the odd dinner.
None of us do best friend stuff, we have close friends or more general friends.

Your sister is being a dick.

It sounds like a different friendship group have arranged something for her. That's fine. It's not like it's a family/close friends/all friends dinner.

If you want to do something with her you could ask her? I wouldn't suggest you ask to be invited to something arranged by a completely separate group of friends!

Your DS may be "protective" but in this situation it's unnecessary shit stirring.

No, I meant I don't think she could fit in another celebration on top of what she is already doing and the time of the year. I have already asked her to check. If she had said nothing of course I would have immediately offered.

I thought I could do something in the new year when she is back from her holiday.