40th birthday dinner - not invited!

[Venetiaparties]

My friend and I have been friends for over a decade. We see each other typically every three weeks, and we have spent many an hour supporting each other through life's twists and turns. Holidays, weekends, family parties and the odd Christmas and Easter we have spent together. We have a great friendship, and she is very special to me.

Her birthday is just after Xmas, she is going to be 40, I asked her what is she doing to celebrate ages ago: a family holiday and a party next summer she confirmed. Since then she updated me to tell me that her old uni friends are hosting a dinner for her on her birthday day night - it is a Friday, all girls dinner organised by her friend I do know her, but not well at all. I am completely fine with this, as they are a very old group of friends and she is very close to them.

The issue is my sister seems really cross about it. She said I should be invited, that if we are such good friends, why wouldn't she invite me, that I am way too easy going and this friend only wants to see me on my own terms.

I don't feel my friend is being unreasonable. I am sure my friend will invite me to the larger party next year, but my sister is insistent that I should not have bought my friend such an expensive gift if I am not even invited to the dinner party. She says I am always like this, too nice and people take advantage. I don't know what to think. My sister has just let my house shaking her head, she usually has my back, and just texted me on the way home to say she loves me but I need to wake up and stop being so naive

Am I being naive as my sister says?
How you would feel?
Should I be upset?

I have said I will let my sister know what you all think. I have NC for this for obvious reasons.

Thank you for your posts! I am not feeling like such an idiot now.

Why on earth would anyone choose to move from being unoffended to offended about something that doesn;t bother them. Just tell your sister you are more chilled than she is and have no intention of feeling rejected by the uni friends organising something without you.

I am not offended.
I am wondering if I should be offended thats all 😅

My sister seems to feel the present I have bought my friend should be befitting of at least a dinner party invite 😂I imagine she is jealous as she would LOVE said present!

Why do you care so much about what your sister says?

Your friend has different friendship groups. A friend from one group offered to organise and host something.

You and your friend are not a package deal that must go every where together or it means you aren’t friends anymore.

You can organise something for her birthday at anytime. After Christmas when she doesn’t have as much going on. Even weeks after her birthday.

Your sister seems to have a huge amount of influence over you. To the point it’s controlling not protective. What does she gain by trying to convince you, your friend is a bad friend?

In truth my sister has never liked her. My friend is a social butterfly type of person, always out doing stuff and having friends over and never happy than when she is at a party. I have a quieter life, and I am happy like that. My sister feels I am there for my friend because she needs a stable friend, but then spends her weekends with party girls that go out all of the time.
We have an ideal friendship for me, I see her for lunch, walks, a game of tennis in the summer. Suits my life really well. I don't want to go to her parties! Sister seems to think I should be going to everything and that I am some kind of second class friend 🙄

My best friend and I are like you, fortunately. Neither are party goers. We get together maybe every couple of months. We just chat on the phone often. We both like it like that. Don't let your sister stress you. She is wrong.

It's a party for her uni friends. If you were there you could be the odd one out while they are reminiscing about things they have done as a group in the past. Does your sister really want you to potentially have an awkward night or stress about not going? That's really cruel of her to do this to you.

Won't uni group all be celebrating 40ths themselves.

I know all my uni friends will all be 50 same "school" year as me. So we'd do one meet up for all of us.

Yeah, are you sure it's your sister thinking you should be invited and not you? 🤔

Then tell her to butt out.

Your friendship works for you. It’s not her friendship.

You are not a package. You are 2 people with separate lives who are also friends.

Sound alike you sister is trying to come between you. She doesn’t have your best interests at heart.

It would most definitely be painful! As it was once or twice when we have seen them before at parties. As I don't know all of their in jokes but they were great fun and I can see why she likes them.

I can't think of anything worse. I am going to arrange a lunch or dinner for her after reading this thread, maybe I have held back too much.

Yes! And one of them is just three weeks after my friend's birthday so I am pretty sure they are commiserating together! Shockingly one of them has cancer despite only being 39, and half of them got divorced over the pandemic. They have certainly been through it lately. In some ways this feels like more than just another birthday dinner but an achievement if I can put it this way.

I am going to organise something now I have read this thread. I was going to wait until the party, but I do think it is a special birthday.

Yanbu, your sister is though! It would be completely odd to be invited to a group event for a group you’re not a part of. I think you sound lovely giving her space and doing something with her in January is a lovely idea :)

Your sister needs to wind her neck in.

I’ll let her know!! 😄

Your sister sounds like my mother who is friendless herself (zero self-esteem, a tendency to surround herself with people who are ill, unlucky, unfortunate, because it makes her feel ‘needed’, and never understanding why they view her as a sort of service provider and never think to get in touch about fun times, just when they’re in trouble) — my mother has some deeply odd ideas about friendship, because she has no practical experience of it, and because she has never quite figured out that her daughters are not her, would take great umbrage at something she perceived as a slight. She was incensed that one of my friends didn’t have me as her bridesmaid, when it didn’t cost me a thought. She would have no comprehension of having different friendship groups.

Your sister is bonkers, and needs to get her beak out.
It has nothing to do with her, and I can't understand why she would try to rile you to be offended, when you (quite rightly) aren't.

You are quite right to grasp the concept that many people hve different groups of friends. This is a dinner for University friends, and you aren't a friend from that group, so I am confused as to why your sister thinks you ought to be there .
Does your sister not have many friends ?

Tell your sister to zip it

The uni friend dinner party is a non issue. You say that you agree, but you made a whole post about it. The actual issue is why the hell your sister is so involved in the minutiae of another person's dinner with friends and what presents she's getting, and why you are perpetuating it.

Different set of friends with your friend as the common denominator, you don't need to be invited. Your sister needs to stop stirring.

Does your sister treat her friendships like a transaction? She gives something and expects something back instead of giving for the joy of giving.

I spend a lot of time with my sister, and she can be quite direct with her thoughts.
She has just one set of really good friends, and they do more or less everything together. So she would be mortified not to be invited to something in her set, it would be unheard of, so I guess she struggles to see my POV as I have quite a few groups and they don't tend to mix very often. School friends, uni friends, old friends, new ones etc. My sister doesn't have children, so her life is much more simple in some ways. She is a great friend, but she doesn't take any prisoners put it that way. It is one of the things I love about her.

Perfectly normal to not invite your best friend if you’re having a dinner with another group of friends. Ignore her