To be annoyed at having to choose my own Christmas/ Birthday presents and for my children too.

[Mrsmozza123]

AIBU to think my mum is a PITA.

Every Christmas/Birthday my mum asks me what I want what my child wants as a present. Not unusual in itself but she wants minute details to the point I’m basically doing her gift shopping as well as mine. I would just buy my own things and send her the bill but she will often object to what I have chosen and tell me to choose something else. It’s exhausting and completely joyless and makes me dread Christmas and birthdays.
the final straw is when she asked me to measure my 2 year olds body for clothes even though I told her what size to get, is she completely insane? I’m lucky if I manage to shoehorn clothes on him at the best if times measuring him is a real stretch!
I have repeatedly said that the gifts are ‘grannies choice’ but she’s still called me 7-8 times with questions about which/what/what size etc.

For DHs birthday she even told me what my MIL was buying him because they had been comparing notes- I’m pretty sure MIL intended it to be a surprise so that surprise was ruined.

For my 40th she send me a bank transfer and a brief of what to go shopping for. I.e it had to be done sentimental jewellery I’d wear for life. 9 months later I haven’t had time to go shopping for this. If I get some time off the last thing I want to do is go to the shops.

I work full time, have no family support locally and my DH goes away regularly with the army so have quite a bit on. My mum doesn’t offer to come and held me with anything.
Id rather no gift at all than all this hassle!
rant over, oops.

My mum does this. She transfers money to me to buy the kids presents. I struggle enough with what to buy them from us! I find it very annoying.

My mum and my PIL always ask for a list with specific items. A lot easier and helpful as DD actually gets what she wants/ needs/can use than some random bits which are lying around.

For DH and me it's the same. yes, it may be boring but I treasure the gifts and use them a lot.

YANBU. My mum expects to me to do all the thinking, buying etc. It's not really what gift giving is about imo. She also can't understand that now ds is a teen he just wants money, she needs something to wrap and handover, even though she doesn't choose or shop for the gift and I can barely think of anything to get him myself!
I'm putting my foot down this year and point blank refusing. It pisses me off that after 50 years my own family don't know me well enough to choose a bloody gift.
And yy to the endless calls about gifts, it actually makes me dread Christmas.
I mean they're retired, they have all the time in the world to shop, I otoh work 50 hours a week and am a lone parent, I don't have time to do other people's Christmas shopping!

I feel your pain op. This Christmas I have bought my dads present for mum, my mums present for dad, my brothers present for parents and my FILs present for DS.
Plus responded to a multitude of “what do you think xx would like” type messages.
Christmas really is like having a part time job for the last 3 months of the year!

Does she use Amazon? You can set up public wish lists so you could maybe just start adding things to that and then when birthdays or xmas roll around just send her the link

YAB a bit U and ungrateful. I imagine she's just keen not to get it wrong. My mum is exactly the same and while it's a slight pain it's really not something worth getting cross about.

Accepting the money but not buying yourself some jewellery for nearly a year seems quite unkind. Could you not find something online?

Just tell her to stop giving you Xmas & birthday presents, and then everyone will be happy.

Mine used to do this. She went from me choosing and her buying things for the kids and getting me to wrap them, to giving me money to buy something from her and wrap it for her. Eventually she'd ask me to buy something from her and say she'd pay me back, but then she never paid me back. At that point I stopped playing her game. If she wants the kids to have a present from Granny, she gets them a present, end of. And she couldn't be bothered, so we had no more presents from her, which made no difference to us. The kids had plenty from us and other relatives.
Your mother is similar, she wants to be a gift-giver but for you to do all the work, on top of everything else you have to do. Are her gifts worth the hassle? For me they wouldn't be and I'd be ignoring all the messages asking for details.

I agree. I never ask people what they would like - I take time to think about their interests or what they might need and its nice to hand it over and see the surprise - that is the gift of giving. It completely takes the joy out of it if you have to do the thinking for other people. Complete waste of time and brain space.

YAB a bit U. It’s better that people get something they’ll like and use than something random. But if sent an email with links they ought to manage to buy and wrap items themselves or get them delivered. It is a pain thinking of a list of things in the right price bracket that the buyer will approve of (MIL has Views) however.

You can set up an elfster account which is really for secret santa but I'm sure you could use it that way and it has online links to amazon and other suppliers . I pay for an activity for each of my grand children like forest school , cricket jujitsu etc . And just get them a very small gift on the day ..They seem to like that idea .

i tried this as my mum does the same, and she was very hurt.

My mum likes to ask what I want and then get something ‘similar’.

I once asked for new plates. Nice ones. I even sent her the Amazon link. On the day I received three boxes of Argos plates (so 18 in total) because she could get more for the same amount of money in Argos.

Who needs 18 plates?

Another time she offered to knit me a scarf/shawl. I bought the wool and found the pattern - she can knit anything (definition of a laid back genius). On the day I open a short, fuzzy scarf. I don’t do fuzzy, it itches. And it was too short to be a scarf, you’re supposed to hold it with a brooch. It was basically a cross between an Elizabethan ruff and a muppet.

It’s been about two years since I gave her the wool. I’m hoping it’ll materialise this year.

I don't think YABU. My whole family and DPs parents ask every year what I want for Christmas and what DD wants, it isn't just a generic category question either, they want specific items and a link to them. I'm mid thirties and tend to buy what I want when I want it so can't really think of 8 things I want that I don't already have, and end up asking for random stuff just for the sake of it because I feel under pressure. I get why people do it because they want you to have something you like but there are literally no surprises at Christmas anymore and the legwork I have to put in to researching all of my presents from other people and from them to DD really takes the joy out of it. Also my sister does what your mum does and asks me what I want then refuses to buy it for some made up reason. I had a thread on it over in chat, its a very odd thing to do to another adult!

Just don't do Christmas presents. We only do them for the kids in family. It's supposed to be something nice not stressful so just all agree not to do them.

@NemoNotThatOne i get it and I’m riddled with guilt that I haven’t bought anything.but I’ve been drowning in work, parenting and a few other dramas and I haven’t had any time. At the time I asked her to buy me something as it would mean more.
I’ve just added it to a long list of things I feel guilty for not having time for sadly.

it’s more that the sentiment of such transparent transactional gift giving loses its magic for me. I can choose, but she has to approve it so it’s an infinite amount of back and forth which feels so soulless.
I’m happy to not get a gift at all than be gifted extra ‘work’ of trying to find a gift that someone else likes when it’s apparently for me.

I've just been making the lists for parents, PIL, SIL and brother to get for DC for birthday and Christmas. Much less stressful for me having an idea of what is coming so it isn't too many big things and no duplication. SIL will do the same for me to get for niece and nephew thank goodness.

We don't do adult presents but if we did I would be wanting a very clear steer. I have no idea what to get people on their birthdays and anything people can do to take the stress out of it is much appreciated.

@Scarecrowrowboat Tell me your secret to arranging that please! I suggested that once and the reaction was like I had pissed on every one of my ancestors graves. Lol

@Snowpaw I couldn’t agree more.

@NemoNotThatOne just FYI, I am not allowed to buy the jewellery online because she wants to know that I have seen the quality. Honestly if she want to be that specific why won’t she buy it herself.

Maybe everyone secretly wanted to stop and I was the only one who would say it?
Everyone agreed very quickly so I reckon we were all finding it a pain.

My mum does this. She even tries to get them sent to my house so I can wrap them, but I usually manage to resist that part 😂

@Dahlietta OMG that too! The wrapping ffs.

I feel your pain.
It’s my mil in my case. Every year I get a request for a recommendation for a particular type of gift (eg pyjamas or a book), followed by instructions to go and buy it because she can’t understand what “Diary of a Wimpy kid” means, or won’t be able to judge if a size 9-10 will fit a child that wears size 9-10. And dh refuses to ever accept money off her, so it ends up coming out of our Christmas budget.

This happens on Christmas week every bloody year. I hate, hate, hate the shops in December, and get my shopping finished in early November so I can avoid it all. And I can’t even just buy ahead for her because I have no idea what whim she will take. Aaaarrrgh. I’d pass it off to dh but Christmas is legitimately his busiest time at work.

My mother also offloads the thinking, shopping and wrapping to me but at least I can do that in my own time. Although the kicker is the smug declaration that I love all this Christmas stuff as if she’s doing her imbecile daughter a favour.

My brother does this it annoys me
He's sent me Christmas money for me, my partner and both kids and said to order some presents and he'll write on the tags!!!
I was bitching to my colleagues about this but they said at least we won't end up with rubbish we don't want

They have a point!!! Plus he's generous so can usually get afew bits for everyone but I never get a surprise