To respect her wishes?

[ChildSalad]

DD is 12. Mild mannered, gentle and kind and very sociable. Her stepdad and I have a close open and honest relationship with her. Her father and I (three DC together) are separated six years. We are amicable although differing parenting styles, I don't interfere with his choices and respect he has the right to parent the way he sees fit. I don't always get the same respect back, and occasionally we argue over text, but generally very little conflict.

Increasingly over the last few years she has been saying she doesn't want to go to his to stay (one night in the week and alternate full weekends. He doesn't live in the same town as us but is fairly close). I've always gently encouraged her to go, I want to protect her relationship with him.

Recently she confided in us that she doesn't like the way he speaks to her. He treats her differently to her brothers. He doesn't allow her to see her friends, partly because he won't give her any independence and he also refuses to facilitate any social stuff for her (driving her places etc). He says things to her like: "you always cry and make everything worse" "I don't know why you bother coming if you don't want to spend time with me" (when she's asked to see her friends at the weekend - this phrase happens regularly). He also refuses to let her have her phone much so she feels very isolated from her friends.

She said to me "I've looked it up and the way he talks to me is manipulative."🥺

The problem is: she absolutely doesn't want him to know she doesn't want to go. She loves him and doesn't want to hurt his feelings. She has made me promise I won't talk to him, and my instinct is to respect that. Yesterday she was in floods of tears as I was driving her over, she put on a brave face and wiped her eyes smiling as she went in.

AIBU in respecting her, or should I intervene to protect her? Please help, my baby is hurting and I don't know what to do.

Thank you for all advice, there is a lot here to think about

No wonder she doesn't want to go. Its set up for the boys and nothing for her. I think you and DD need to come up with a plan of explaining to him that not doing anything she likes, and actively doing stuff she hates, is guaranteed to push his daughter away. If he's not willing to compromise then say DD has decided not to go, for the foreseeable future. And that is on him. But certainly give him a chance to change things.

So they are forced on multiple daily dog walks (he won't leave her on her own in the house) and dog friendly activities. Day trips out or hanging around the house. He plays FIFA with the boys a lot and they have a daily movie night which she is obliged to attend.

Not everyone like walks. Thats why some people don't get dogs despite loving dogs.
Day trips - doing what? If its alton towers type thing some ppl hate roller coasters...or is it walking through a forest, ie walking (again)
FIFA - I assume she doesnt like it so what is he doing with her? What constitutes "her" time?
Movie night - what movies? If they are all action movies and she doesn't like action movies...does she ever get a choice?

It actually sounds a very miserable time but she goes because she loves her dad. Poor girl.

OP although she's googled it and come up with manipulative, I think she's hit on the wrong word. This sounds like abuse more than manipulation. Not allowing her to have her phone is just not on (maybe he senses that she may well ring you and is deliberately stopping her from doing that). The way he speaks to her doesn't sound good, not letting her see her friends - if this was an adult male and female we'd be heading for coercive control.

Is she mature enough to hear and understand that what he's doing goes beyond not nice and is actually wrong?

He needs to get with the program. She is not an 8 year old boy. No wonder she doesn’t want to go.

OP I wish I'd listened to DD more when she said she didn't want to stay at her dad's. V long back story but short version was that he was an addict, who very much minimised his drinking activity when the DC stayed overnight (minimised the issue rather than minimised the actual drinking).
I'd spent years facilitating contact between them, not overnight until he got his own place a few years back, as it wasn't practical for them to sleep but I made sure they saw him regularly.
When both DC started to sleep over, my DD would say she didn't want to go. I was torn between wanting to protect her and not wanting to antagonise him (he was a bully and honestly I was frightened of stopping contact because I wasn't sure what he'd do- to me, not to DC). My DD and I even had a safe word set up that she could text me without alerting him. I cringe now at the fact I sent both kids there. I really wanted to believe he wasn't drinking but from what DD has told me since he would behave erratically, go for daytime naps, be very irritable if woken and disappear to the shop at all times of the night.
It came to a head when I had to go and collect them after a slurring phone call from him and him then threatening to smash my face into a wall.

I don't say any of this lightly, but please listen to your daughter. Go through the court process or let him (I did and my DC were ultimately protected).