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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To refuse my daughter a play date?

28 replies

HooverIsAlwaysBroken · 05/11/2022 08:42

Bit of a long one…

DH has a serious health condition so cannot help as much around the house as we would like. I usually do almost everything whilst working full time and doing almost all child related stuff. This week I seem to have caught some awful bug and have been trying to work from home (with breaks just lying down) and taking loads of paracetamol to be able to do the school run.

DD (12) has swimming today, DH is taking her and she has asked to bring a friend home. I have said no as the flat is a tip, the only thing I want to do is to lie down and I also do not want to give whatever germs I have to her friend.

But DD is devastated, she said she is always going to friends house and she really want her to come over. She said I could sleep upstairs. I still said no.

I am pretty sure that I am doing the right thing, but she is just so upset. AIBU? If not, would help to have some supportive comments.

OP posts:
Angelik · 05/11/2022 08:44

You are right but she is disappointed. Explain again how it you don't want to give your bug to anyone else and make a date when her friend CAN come. That will make her feel better, hopefully.

Soggydog · 05/11/2022 08:46

If you don't feel well enough today then you need to look after yourself but maybe you could soften the blow by suggesting she could bring the friend next week or the week after? I was never able to bring friends home and when I did go to another friend's house she gave me grief for months when I wasn't able to return the invitation. It did have an impact on friendships.

Original poster
HooverIsAlwaysBroken · 05/11/2022 08:47

That is a good point. I will offer next Saturday. I will speak to her when they get back.

I am just feeling so awful and her sad little face really made me so upset. And the state of the flat is depressing- but I am feeling to poorly to do anything about it.

OP posts:
Peashoots · 05/11/2022 08:49

At 12, surely the girls can just go out together and hang out? They don’t need organised “play dates” at 12. I’d suggest that she does that, give her a bit of pocket money for mcDs and have the friend round when you’re feeling better:
hope you recover soon, op. 💐

00100001 · 05/11/2022 08:49

They're 12, can't they so something out of the house?

LesterBiggott · 05/11/2022 08:50

It's your home too. Friend can come another weekend, or they can go out by themselves.

Unseelie · 05/11/2022 09:01

Yanbu. You can’t possibly invite a guest round when there’s a nasty bug in the house. Your DD needs to grow up and think about her mother and her guest’s health. For a 12 yr old her behaviour sounds a bit spoilt, why isn’t she just accepting that this is obviously a bad time to have a guest? Weird.

Original poster
HooverIsAlwaysBroken · 05/11/2022 09:02

I am a bit uncomfortable with out of the house on their own to hang out just yet…. Maybe I am being overprotective.

She just turned 12 and is very immature. she is walking to school this year, but she texts me when she gets to school (school run is with younger DS).

we live quite central in London (lots of traffic) and it is raining today…. If they wanted to go somewhere like a cinema, they would need to take the underground- which neither of them has done on their own. We are working towards more independence, but building is up as DD can be away with the fairies (I tried to see if she was ready to walk to school last year, but she was just not safe to cross the quite busy roads. This year she is just about)…

OP posts:
Pumpkinpatchlookinggood · 05/11/2022 09:02

Yabu. Dc really don't see mess.

GoodnightGentleBoris · 05/11/2022 09:03

Unseelie · 05/11/2022 09:01

Yanbu. You can’t possibly invite a guest round when there’s a nasty bug in the house. Your DD needs to grow up and think about her mother and her guest’s health. For a 12 yr old her behaviour sounds a bit spoilt, why isn’t she just accepting that this is obviously a bad time to have a guest? Weird.

That’s a very unfair reading of the situation

Schnooze · 05/11/2022 09:06

Say no but they can come after swimming next week or on x date. So not just a blanket no.

Original poster
HooverIsAlwaysBroken · 05/11/2022 09:06

@Unseelie it is a bit spoiled, but we have had a lot of changes.

DH has gotten worse and I have managed to change job to full time and a potential for a career. It is really good for me (I can finally try to earn a bit of money) but I have less time to look after DCs (and DH) and they feel it sadly. I guess I just feel inadequate at the moment. And really poorly which is so infuriating, I am so rarely sick.

OP posts:
Chdjdn · 05/11/2022 09:07

I would agree. Although it doesn’t make any difference to today would you not have been better just to take a couple of days sick from work to recover or was that not an option?

Original poster
HooverIsAlwaysBroken · 05/11/2022 09:14

Should probably have taken time off sick. But it is a new job (desperately trying to prove myself), I had several things to finish last week and I wasn’t giving any bugs to people whilst working from home.

but in hindsight, if you need the max dose of paracetamol to be able to work from the sofa, it is probably a bad idea…

sorry everyone, I am feeling a bit sorry for myself today. I am working so hard to make everything work, but today I just feel like I am failing on all fronts.

OP posts:
Winter2020 · 05/11/2022 09:22

You sound like you are working so hard for your family. I hope you feel better soon. Tell your daughter sorry but if you invited her friend over and made her sick her parents would be angry with you. Tell her you will invite her next week if you are better.

Goldbar · 05/11/2022 09:22

Could your DH take them somewhere? For example, shopping centre and he could have a coffee while they look round the shops.

Otherwise, I agree with you that you shouldn't have playdates when you're unwell and contagious but you need to offer another date soon to soften the blow.

Minimalme · 05/11/2022 09:36

HooverIsAlwaysBroken · 05/11/2022 09:06

@Unseelie it is a bit spoiled, but we have had a lot of changes.

DH has gotten worse and I have managed to change job to full time and a potential for a career. It is really good for me (I can finally try to earn a bit of money) but I have less time to look after DCs (and DH) and they feel it sadly. I guess I just feel inadequate at the moment. And really poorly which is so infuriating, I am so rarely sick.

Cut yourself some slack. Be gently firm with dd and ask her to check with her friend when she would like to come over (not this weekend!).

Then get back in bed.

I am a carer and sometimes go out of my way to make sure the dc aren't disadvantaged by our situation. I loose all sight of my own needs.

Put yourself first, it's important.

thelobsterquadrille · 05/11/2022 09:40

Is DH well enough to take them out somewhere after swimming instead?

While I get you're tired and the flat is a mess, it is unfair if your DD is always going to this girls' house and you're never offering anything in return.

Peashoots · 05/11/2022 10:31

There must be somewhere she can go at 12. Local park? Shopping centre? Sorry but she’s secondary school age! Time to stop babying her. Get some rest, don’t feel guilty, she will probably relish the idea of a bit of freedom!

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 05/11/2022 10:36

Can you not say she can come next week?

Theydoyaknow · 05/11/2022 10:36

You have understandably said no for today so just suggest next Sat and stick to it. Nothing as bad as having other people’s kids in the house when you feel shit. Just postpone but stick to the arrangement next week.

Original poster
HooverIsAlwaysBroken · 05/11/2022 10:37

@Minimalme May I ask how you manage to balance caring with children?

Is is your DH? I find it really hard to keep everyone happy. DH gets frustrated and depressed sometimes (and wants to be only with me) and the children find it hard as well and need extra reassurance.

OP posts:
Original poster
HooverIsAlwaysBroken · 05/11/2022 10:48

Thank you everyone. I will text the mum and ask if the girl can come over after swimming next Saturday. We do have children over, not every week but we do. This girl hasn’t been over, but I have taken them to the park for walking around and ice cream. I will try to plan something for next week, have her over, make pizza and let them hide away in DDs room if bad weather and take them out if good weather.

@Peashoots , we are working towards more independence. DD has just been so immature and not been crossing roads safely that we are building it up slowly. She is walking to school and back home now. And she is going to the corner shop and back. We gave her more freedom when visiting the grandparents during the summer as they live in a smaller village. We have a lot of traffic close to our house, including lots of busses and bicycles which clip red lights - sometimes almost running me over! I worry that with a friend, it will go either way - they will be more sensible or completely irresponsible. I might take them out to some shops when we have the girl over and let them walk quite a bit ahead of me to see if they seem to be paying enough attention.

OP posts:
Minimalme · 05/11/2022 11:13

That sounds impossible op - why does your dh not want to be with you? That places all the pressure on you to look after the kids, plus he is creating extra pressure, which you don't need.

My middle child is disabled and the other two also have additional needs. We cope by splitting the work between us - DH brings in the money and I do the bulk of everything else. But at the weekends we split the work.

I don't know how you cope!

mycatisannoying · 05/11/2022 11:27

Do you have her friends round when you're heathy?