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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel so let down by people/friends

45 replies

Hazeleyez · 05/11/2022 00:55

I consider myself a good friend. I look out for others, I help others and I'm kind to people.

I've found that people take the pi$$ out of my good nature.

For example, my brother in law's wife will continually drop her kids at mine & go shopping/to the beauty salon/wherever but if I ever (once in a blue moon) look to drop mine to hers, she's never accommodating and never obliging. I'm at the point now where I just look after her kids on the many occasions she needs me to, and I don't bother ever asking for her to mind my kids.

Another example, friend of mine who I have known since I was a teenager. She never texts me or rings me. When I text her or ring her she won't reply, but when she needs something from me (recently she needed professional advice that she got for free from me) she'll call. Only then. Rest of the time I'm ignored, but when I said it to her she says she's "so busy with her job and kids she doesn't have time to reply" but yet I see her 'online' on WhatsApp and on LinkedIn commenting full-time.

They're just 2 examples of so, so many. I feel so let down and depressed by it all. AIBU?

OP posts:
ToFindNewWays · 05/11/2022 00:56

YANBU.

And, you MUST stop - stop looking after those kids. Stop reaching out to that user of a friend.

You sound lovely and you don’t deserve that crap treatment.

whiteroseredrose · 05/11/2022 00:57

Say no next time and be honest. It is a one way street and you feel like a mug. Her response will tell you what you need to know.

Bigbadfish · 05/11/2022 01:00

YABU.

People will treat you how you allow them to treat you.

Why not stop having your SILs kids until she has yours? And then only have them once, then its her turn?

Your friendship is over. So just delete her number and move on. If she contacts you ignore her.

If you Wang to change this you can.

ilovesooty · 05/11/2022 01:07

I agree with @Bigbadfish .
You can't change other people. You can change how you respond to them. If you stop being so compliant you'll encourage the building of relationships where people treat you with more respect.

Original poster
Hazeleyez · 05/11/2022 01:09

Thanks. There are literally so many more examples I could give. DH's family are HUGE into birthdays. Big fuss made over all the family members birthdays, celebrations, gifts etc. I'm with Dh 20 years and I've never got so much as one "happy birthday" text from his family, from my sister in law's, his parents etc. I love his parents so I don't hold it against them but his sister and sister in law are unkind. Not once ever did I ever get so much as acknowledged for a birthday, not even for my 30th or 40th. Not a word from them. Despite me giving them cards, texts, small gifts each year.

I've never said a thing about it until now but so much has started bugging me lately.

OP posts:
ratsrats · 05/11/2022 01:21

They treat you like this because you let them. Why?

ilovesooty · 05/11/2022 01:22

I hope you can turn things round. They're really disrespectful by the sound of it.

Original poster
Hazeleyez · 05/11/2022 01:22

Maybe I'm just a doormat to people

OP posts:
ratsrats · 05/11/2022 01:23

Hazeleyez · 05/11/2022 01:22

Maybe I'm just a doormat to people

well yes, clearly. you can’t complain about it while doing nothing to change it

LaughingCat · 05/11/2022 01:24

I voted YABU because you are directly enabling this behaviour. We all treat people in two different ways:

  1. Treating people how we’d like to be treated - good for nice people who reciprocate and good for the moral high ground, useless for twats

  2. Treating people how they treat us - terrible for the moral high ground but good for nice people who reciprocate and useful defence against twats.

You have the power to stop this as you are the one who gave the twats the power to treat you like this in the first place. Take the power back. De-twat them. You’ll feel better for it, I promise.

VeganFromSveden · 05/11/2022 01:26

I think proper reciprocal friendship are rare op.
I know it may seem that others have huge friendship groups etc, but I think that having a friend is almost like having a partner.
I mean you must both be happy to make time for each other and respect each other’s boundaries and limits
it seems that we crave having a friend, do everything to facilitate that, but so often we don’t get it back.
Also, having multiple friendships (I believe) is overrated… how on Earth would you have the time and energy to sustain them all?
join a club, or start a hobby where others share your interests…. Choose different people to mix with instead of trying to get blood out of a stone.
if the people you have described so far haven’t realised what a lovely person you are, they are unlikely to wake up now.
take your time, listen more at first til you feel confident that it’s safe to invest in that person.
they should be doing the same back to you, sort of “testing the waters” before you dive in.
take care and good luck

LaughingCat · 05/11/2022 01:26

Of course, there’s the third option of just ignoring said twats but they can occasionally be useful and you can’t always cut them out of your life, however much you may want to.

MarshaMelrose · 05/11/2022 01:29

There's a saying that people treat you how you allow them to. Start saying no.

ItsAllTheSame · 05/11/2022 02:17

Hazeleyez · 05/11/2022 01:09

Thanks. There are literally so many more examples I could give. DH's family are HUGE into birthdays. Big fuss made over all the family members birthdays, celebrations, gifts etc. I'm with Dh 20 years and I've never got so much as one "happy birthday" text from his family, from my sister in law's, his parents etc. I love his parents so I don't hold it against them but his sister and sister in law are unkind. Not once ever did I ever get so much as acknowledged for a birthday, not even for my 30th or 40th. Not a word from them. Despite me giving them cards, texts, small gifts each year.

I've never said a thing about it until now but so much has started bugging me lately.

Well that shows you what to do next time it's one of their birthdays. Send a card if you like, but no more gifts. You could even cut down to "I hope you enjoyed your birthday" a week after the event.

No more taking in the BiL's wife's children. Hand her a card for someone who charges for this. Answer the front door with your coat on, and say you are just going out so can't take them, if she has a tendency to drop round unannounced.

You know you can block people, that's what you need to do, and not feel guilty about it. Don't allow people to treat you like this because it is eroding your self-esteem. You can't expect other people to respect you if you don't respect yourself.

ABJ100 · 05/11/2022 03:18

The problem is you. You are a doormat and completely allow this. Nobody else to blame except yourself. In each example, people treat you like shit but there you are bending over the next time.

Suzi888 · 05/11/2022 03:23

You need to learn to say “no”.

Kitkatcatflap · 05/11/2022 03:39

I like to help out when asked but after years of feeling used, I now draw a line and walk away without a backward glance feeling all the better for it

Some people see kindness and being helpful as a weakness. Looking after your SIL's kids on short notice - she thinks 'ha - I can do that again, and again' And you can never do enough. Tell you SIL 'no' you will not be looking after her kids anymore and watch her face fizz. She will be moaning and feeling hard done by, despite never returning favours.

Decent people, who ask for a favour - want to repay it, they actually think 'I can't ask again because it would cheeky' and they are keen to return the favour , offering lots of appreciation etc.

Stop the birthday cards/gifts to DH's family. They are hurting you twice - not acknowledging your effort and not celebrating your birthday. Why are you allowing it to happen. If you stop sending stuff - there is no expectation to get it back.

Your friend is mean and grabby. I would be distancing myself from her but if you don't want to - you should definitely comment on the fact that you only hear from her when she wants free advice.

Good luck OP

oopsfellover · 05/11/2022 05:00

YANBU to feel this way, but the examples you’ve given are quite extreme in terms of people taking and not giving. The ‘friend’ doesn’t sound like a friend at all- what positive things are you taking from that relationship, and what would you miss if you just let the contact go?
The family stuff sounds trickier, as I can imagine the instinct is to look after children, acknowledge birthdays etc - if that’s in your nature, why wouldn’t you? However I agree with PP about putting some boundaries around this e.g. not sending gifts to people who don’t offer anything back.

HanSB · 05/11/2022 05:12

You need to learn to care less about these people. They are selfish and using you anc you are letting them. What do you gain except for feeling used and crap about it all. Stand up for yourself. Push back and refuse to let them walk over your good nature. Let your husband deal with birthday gifts. Stop being used as a dumping ground for free childcare. If SIL shows up say you have to go to an appointment but how fortunate that they can take care of the children for you this time. Go and have a couple hours to yourself in a cafe!

Daffyaboutdaffs · 05/11/2022 05:12

What does your DH think about the situation with SIL re kids and the family gift situation?

Fraaahnces · 05/11/2022 05:31

You ARE a doormat. Stop babysitting. Stop acknowledging birthdays. Whatever you do, don’t buy cards, presents, etc for DH’s family on his behalf. Just fucking stop. If they turn up at your place with their kids, have your bag and keys in hand and say that you’re just going out (doctor/dentist/visit family/whatever. OR just say no. It doesn’t work for you today.)

pishkashante · 05/11/2022 05:31

Don’t be a doormat.

Stop babysitting nieces/nephews.
Stop contacting or doing favours for crap friends.
Stop doing the wife work of buying presents for inlaws.

Fraaahnces · 05/11/2022 05:32

Also, don’t even discuss this with DH, because I suspect he will tell you that you are being “too sensitive” and you’re not. They’re arseholes. (Btw, does he make a big deal for your bday???)

Ladybug14 · 05/11/2022 05:41

Hazeleyez · 05/11/2022 01:22

Maybe I'm just a doormat to people

You are a doormat. But YOU are allowing yourself to be treated like a doormat. Of course people will treat you the way you choose to allow them to treat you.

ThingsIhavelearnt · 05/11/2022 05:47

LaughingCat · 05/11/2022 01:24

I voted YABU because you are directly enabling this behaviour. We all treat people in two different ways:

  1. Treating people how we’d like to be treated - good for nice people who reciprocate and good for the moral high ground, useless for twats

  2. Treating people how they treat us - terrible for the moral high ground but good for nice people who reciprocate and useful defence against twats.

You have the power to stop this as you are the one who gave the twats the power to treat you like this in the first place. Take the power back. De-twat them. You’ll feel better for it, I promise.

This - when I stood up for myself I started with

No. That doesn’t suit me. - when asked to look after other peoples children

stopped ringing and texting friends and told them why eg you ring me and I am expected to call back instantly howrver you don’t return my calls ever

call them out on your birthday or your DH should

slowly slowly change your friendship group