Page 2 | To feel so let down by people/friends

hattie43 · 05/11/2022 05:54

ToFindNewWays · 05/11/2022 00:56

YANBU.

And, you MUST stop - stop looking after those kids. Stop reaching out to that user of a friend.

You sound lovely and you don’t deserve that crap treatment.

This

Shoxfordian · 05/11/2022 05:56

Yabu to let people walk all over you all the time - start saying no to the free babysitting and stop buying presents for people who don’t care about you

Blizzardbeach · 05/11/2022 05:58

I find this.
In the very recent past I've had;
A friend who only contacts me when she needs something. Business proposals, plans, projections putting together. I don't hear from her otherwise. We're apparently so close, yet she hasn't had time to meet my 6 and a half month old son.

I've somehow been roped into picking up and dropping off a child to school each day, entirely out of my way.

I'm asked atleast weekly to attend a group that doesn't meet any of my needs, or my child's needs, so I can provide support to a new friend and her family.

I got asked to take a new friend from her house, drop her child to the childminder, take her to hospital, pick her up, go food shopping for her, and drop her home, then did the childminder drop off until she felt well.

I only hear from these people when they need anything. Stone silence when I need help. I doubt I'd even be on their Christmas card lists.

I find that people are very good at taking. Please put some boundaries in place for your own sanity

StClare101 · 05/11/2022 06:12

Blizzardbeach · 05/11/2022 05:58

I find this.
In the very recent past I've had;
A friend who only contacts me when she needs something. Business proposals, plans, projections putting together. I don't hear from her otherwise. We're apparently so close, yet she hasn't had time to meet my 6 and a half month old son.

I've somehow been roped into picking up and dropping off a child to school each day, entirely out of my way.

I'm asked atleast weekly to attend a group that doesn't meet any of my needs, or my child's needs, so I can provide support to a new friend and her family.

I got asked to take a new friend from her house, drop her child to the childminder, take her to hospital, pick her up, go food shopping for her, and drop her home, then did the childminder drop off until she felt well.

I only hear from these people when they need anything. Stone silence when I need help. I doubt I'd even be on their Christmas card lists.

I find that people are very good at taking. Please put some boundaries in place for your own sanity

Please take your own advice!

RambamThankyouMam · 05/11/2022 06:17

You need to wise up and grow a backbone, to be perfectly frank.

Bramblejoos · 05/11/2022 06:18

I consider myself a good friend. I look out for others, I help others and I'm kind to people.

Being kind is helping people in need or who are disadvantaged for some reason.
Being kind isn't being a mug so that others take the mickey.
You are not helping out due to urgent hospital appointments etc you are being used so that they can offload their responsibilities on to you.

Fluffydiamond · 05/11/2022 06:27

Well start saying no to the cheeky bitch who's just using you for childcare for a start.

Tereo · 05/11/2022 06:34

It's not all about you though... Sounds like you're unlucky to know quite a lot of unpleasant people too. Some people will never abuse others good natture.
I can be a bit of a doormat too and I remember learning my lesson once when working with this girl who was in fairness a cow ....when I was nice she started ignoring me and being a bitch .... But as soon as I started ignoring her back, she started to be nice to me. I would have thought a minority of people are like this tho.... Exhausting!
You're lovely, ignore the bastards and focus on the nice people in your life

Morestrangethings · 05/11/2022 06:47

Many women are socialised to be good and obliging, and to please, from early childhood. To do good things, favours things without expecting anything back - to be selfless. We are led to believe if we be that way with others they will repay us in kind.

Not always true, unfortunately.

You need to be less selfless. You are unhappy with how they treat you - and you should be.

The hardest part of ceasing to be so obliging is, in my experience, learning to sit with the uncomfortable feelings you may have if you aren’t being your usual obliging self. I think somewhere mixed up there is that some of us are socialised to feel guilt and discomfort if we don’t put other people first. It can be quite scary to say no because some of aren’t used to saying it and it may not feel good, at first.

But to stop your in-laws, and your friend, taking advantage of you I think that’s what you have to do. Say no. And sit with any discomfort you might feel after doing so. Eventually any uncomfortable feelings will go away - and you will be happier and feel stronger for it, imo

And the people who care about you are the ones you are left with / which is all we really need. For the people that we care about, to care for us in return.

sometimes when we change ourselves we experience a backlash from people expecting us to act how we used to act. It can come in the form of concern or criticism, even some anger. Just expect that. Set your sail and stay the course - that’s my opinion 🙂

notanothertakeaway · 05/11/2022 06:58

Morestrangethings · 05/11/2022 06:47

Many women are socialised to be good and obliging, and to please, from early childhood. To do good things, favours things without expecting anything back - to be selfless. We are led to believe if we be that way with others they will repay us in kind.

Not always true, unfortunately.

You need to be less selfless. You are unhappy with how they treat you - and you should be.

The hardest part of ceasing to be so obliging is, in my experience, learning to sit with the uncomfortable feelings you may have if you aren’t being your usual obliging self. I think somewhere mixed up there is that some of us are socialised to feel guilt and discomfort if we don’t put other people first. It can be quite scary to say no because some of aren’t used to saying it and it may not feel good, at first.

But to stop your in-laws, and your friend, taking advantage of you I think that’s what you have to do. Say no. And sit with any discomfort you might feel after doing so. Eventually any uncomfortable feelings will go away - and you will be happier and feel stronger for it, imo

And the people who care about you are the ones you are left with / which is all we really need. For the people that we care about, to care for us in return.

sometimes when we change ourselves we experience a backlash from people expecting us to act how we used to act. It can come in the form of concern or criticism, even some anger. Just expect that. Set your sail and stay the course - that’s my opinion 🙂

@Morestrangethings that's great advice

OP - if you keep doing what you've always done, then you'll keep getting the same result. Only you can take control of this. Perhaps seek out assertiveness training. Standing up for yourself does get easier with practice. And people respect you more for it

VinoDino · 05/11/2022 08:10

Ditch them. That's exactly what I did at 40 when I realised I was bottom of the pick me friendship pile but they were happy to accept any offer of food, meals out, drinks etc going. Fuck that! Life is a lot quieter but my happiness has shot up and my anxiety is down.

WellWhoWouldHaveThought · 05/11/2022 08:43

Nothing will change until you start saying no.

Original poster

Hazeleyez · 05/11/2022 09:31

Thanks everyone. I'm going to take the advice here and start saying no and suiting myself. I'm glad I posted this query because it has given me some great insight. I'm a people pleaser and I'm going to change & start suiting myself. Thank you everyone for the great advice. Super posts and responses.

OP posts:

Palmtreedance · 05/11/2022 15:53

I dont mean this to sound mean but YOU are creating this for yourself. If you started saying no to people who take the piss they wouldnt continue to use you and you wouldnt feel rubbish and the cycle would be stopped. All the time you are enabling their crappy behaviour your experience of being disappointed in humanity grows, making you feel worse and worse. You are attracting more of the exact thing you dont want. Not to mention, the more time you spend bending over backwards for these selfish twats, the less time you are spending meeting decent, kind people like yourself. Take control over this situation- start saying no and end this cycle and go out and meet people who are decent and kind. You have all the power here and nothing to lose by doing this.

Youdoyoutoday · 05/11/2022 16:01

The next time your SIL turns up, grab your handbag and run out the door!!
Then when you get back, say thanks for looking after the kids, it makes a nice change!!

But stop looking after others if you get nothing back, this will continue to drain you and make you feel resentful so just ol' fuck 'em!!

SMrs · 06/11/2022 08:43

I would say you need to be smarter about what you're giving.

I once read that every relationship a
Is like a bank account. Sometimes you deposit, sometimes you withdraw but there needs to be balance. If you allow people to only withdraw then you are allowing them to use you.

Of your sister in law never acknowledges your birthday, why do you go to so much effort to acknowledge hers? I wouldn't do that in future. And if your friend doesn't text or call you, then don't text or call her.

Life is far too busy to waste time of people who don't value you.

You sounds like a great friend and family member, look forward others who make you feel as valued as you should be.

blippi123 · 06/11/2022 09:05

My advice is ditch your friend, it doesn't matter how long you've known her, she's using and abusing you for her own benefit and she's not a friend.

Stop allowing free childcare for your SIL. She's just the same as your "friend". A grabby, piss taking (insert word)

WishfulWanda · 06/11/2022 09:08

I just got rid of a friend for doing this to me, couldn’t be arsed anymore. It actually made me feel much freer as she wasn’t bringing anything to my life. I’ve only got two really good friends in my life, two other good friends (don’t see them as regularly though) and then of course family. I’ve got two other people who I’m good friends with but we only ever get the chance to chat online, that’s more that enough for me. It’s quality not quantity.

IfOnlyOCould · 06/11/2022 09:30

OP, do you think it's possible that the people that take advantage of you don't realise what you think? Are you very agreeable when they ask? Are you saying things like 'no problem' , 'anytime', 'it's a pleasure' etc when they ask. So people are so programmed to be agreeable that they send out the wrong message.

Original poster

Hazeleyez · 06/11/2022 13:31

IfOnlyOCould · 06/11/2022 09:30

OP, do you think it's possible that the people that take advantage of you don't realise what you think? Are you very agreeable when they ask? Are you saying things like 'no problem' , 'anytime', 'it's a pleasure' etc when they ask. So people are so programmed to be agreeable that they send out the wrong message.

Maybe I am too much like that. Good point.

OP posts: