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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Would this bother you?

36 replies

Takeabreak3 · 04/11/2022 23:04

The guy I have been seeing has a child with his previous partner and he sees his DC every weekend which I obviously have no problem with and admire that he is an active part of DCs life but he spends time with his ex at their house when he goes to see her. Would this bother you?

OP posts:
EmilyGilmoresSass · 04/11/2022 23:05

No... co parenting and putting child first...

Isthisforeal · 04/11/2022 23:08

Why do you admire him? Do you admire his wife for looking after their child during the week? + him at the weekend?😀

TabithaTittlemouse · 04/11/2022 23:09

No.
I also think it’s odd to admire someone for parenting their child.

Taradiddled · 04/11/2022 23:14

There’s so much wrong with your post I don’t know where to start. You ‘have no problem’ with your boyfriend seeing his own child? In fact you admire a parent for parenting? But you feel the child should be handed over by a robot intermediary or something in case he has to be in the same room as the mother of his child?

TabithaTittlemouse · 04/11/2022 23:19

Careful that he doesn’t accidentally sleep with her during handover.

Notacompetitiveundereater · 04/11/2022 23:21

Weird to admire someone for being a parent. Makes it sound like you’ve a low bar. That and you’re insecure and Jealous?

Scrambledeggsontoasted · 04/11/2022 23:22

You admire your DP for only seeing his child on the weekend? FML.

Original poster
Takeabreak3 · 04/11/2022 23:23

It is more the fact he spends the whole day there with them both rather than just hand over

OP posts:
Notacompetitiveundereater · 04/11/2022 23:26

Takeabreak3 · 04/11/2022 23:23

It is more the fact he spends the whole day there with them both rather than just hand over

So you do have a problem with it? Look just end it and date someone who doesn’t have kids or doesn’t like their ex and can’t co parent effectively. Or someone who doesn’t see their kids. Go as low as you need to stop the jealousy and insecurity

Cw112 · 04/11/2022 23:34

TabithaTittlemouse · 04/11/2022 23:09

No.
I also think it’s odd to admire someone for parenting their child.

This ^^ he's doing what he should be doing.

Anyways, no I would be glad actually that he's able to coparent respectfully and amicably with his ex to put the needs of their child first. If he was in bad terms with his ex that would be more of a red flag for me.

SkylightSkylight · 04/11/2022 23:38

Yes it would bother me, but for different reasons possibly. Why us he so hopeless he doesn't have a place to take his child to or take him out for the day. Hanging around at her house doesn't mean he's parenting his child & for that alone, I'd be out. Plus I wouldn't trust them both.

LydiaBennetsUglyBonnet · 04/11/2022 23:44

Takeabreak3 · 04/11/2022 23:04

The guy I have been seeing has a child with his previous partner and he sees his DC every weekend which I obviously have no problem with and admire that he is an active part of DCs life but he spends time with his ex at their house when he goes to see her. Would this bother you?

They share a child. They are in each other’s lives forever. I think you need to either get over that now or cut and run

LaughingCat · 04/11/2022 23:58

Why is that odd? He’s coparenting his child in an amicable fashion. That’s good news. Means he has a certain level of emotional maturity and puts his child first.

whiteroseredrose · 05/11/2022 00:55

Yes it would bother me.

BasiliskStare · 05/11/2022 01:23

@Takeabreak3 I have to say ( whilst I have never been part of a blended family - I do get that it can be hard - friends have - & I am talking of vicarious experience here so ignore me ) But I do agree with @Taradiddled and on a very jokey note with @TabithaTittlemouse

Either you trust him with his ex partner or you don't - if he thinks having a day with his DD and both her parents is. a good thing then that might be the sacrifice you make for the time being. In time it might be more sharing his time with DD with you ,

ratsrats · 05/11/2022 01:25

if you don’t trust him, why are you with him? and I agree with other posters thinking it’s odd that you find it admirable that he sees his kids once a week Confused

Kitkatcatflap · 05/11/2022 03:42

Did the ex wife end it?

Do you think he wants her back?

pips23 · 05/11/2022 08:02

It would bother me for the opposite reason you mean. Spending a day at his child's house isn't being an active parent at all. The mum who is effectively raising that child alone is the active parent. Absolutely ridiculous that he is getting such praise for doing the bare minimum and purely seeing his child. So it would bother me as to why that was ok to him, why he doesn't have a place to have his child and why he wasn't stepping up more.
Assuming he bothers to stay in his child's life the mum will always be in his life. If you can't handle that I'd leave now rather than cause problems for an innocent child because of your jealousy.

ChakaKhanfan · 05/11/2022 08:06

no it wouldn’t bother me.
it bothers you though so what are you going to do?
you can talk to him, but if he is a good parent he will tell you to grow up.
the way I see it you have two choices, get over it, or go your separate ways. You, quite rightly, will never come first, this is part of being with someone who is already a parent.

Aprilx · 05/11/2022 08:14

I am not sure for what reason it bothers you. It would bother me that he makes such little effort with his child, he is not pulling his weight, he visits. I expect the mother is still doing most of the parenting whilst he is there visiting.

I am not sure why you admire a man for visiting his child, I guess it is better than not visiting but even so it is about the bare minimum. Even if he had 50% custody, I would not “admire” a man for that any more than I would admire a woman.

Guavafish1 · 05/11/2022 08:16

Yes it would bother me

i wont date him

Chomolungma · 05/11/2022 08:17

I agree with the poster saying this makes him sound like a lazy parent. Why can't he take the DC out of the house and give his ex a break after parenting the DC all week?

OutDamnedSpot · 05/11/2022 08:20

Do you mean he spends time with her at handover? Or that all of the time he spends with his child is also with his ex?

If the latter (unless the child is under 2), I certainly wouldn’t admire him, and I’d not be persuing a relationship. It would seem to me that he was incapable of looking after a child on his own, or that he was trying to control his ex (by ensuring she had no time to herself).

pictish · 05/11/2022 08:23

Yes. Not even from a jealousy point of view either but an apparent lack of independence, motivation and capability to be a father to his child on his own steam. Unattractive.

WhiteFire · 05/11/2022 08:25

My concern would be that this was actually some kind of supervised access and why that was the case.

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