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AIBU?

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Original poster

Would this bother you?

36 replies

Takeabreak3 · 04/11/2022 23:04

The guy I have been seeing has a child with his previous partner and he sees his DC every weekend which I obviously have no problem with and admire that he is an active part of DCs life but he spends time with his ex at their house when he goes to see her. Would this bother you?

OP posts:
itwasntmetho · 05/11/2022 08:27

Do you mean he doesn't take his child, he just hangs out with them for the weekend every weekend?
I would wonder whether they have really broken up in these circs, I mean surely she would be like "Off you fuck then" if this is her ex with no plans of reconciliation and this is her time off of parenting. Unless he can't be trusted to parent alone and she is relieved to oversee it.
I can't think of circumstances where this would be desirable to people who have broken up and moved on.

alwaysmovingforwards · 05/11/2022 08:28

WhiteFire · 05/11/2022 08:25

My concern would be that this was actually some kind of supervised access and why that was the case.

Agreed.
Or he can't cope on his own. Or he doesn't have suitable accommodation. Both of which are a bit pathetic.

Aquamarine1029 · 05/11/2022 08:30

Takeabreak3 · 04/11/2022 23:23

It is more the fact he spends the whole day there with them both rather than just hand over

So he doesn't even actually care for his child, not even for one fucking day, yet you "admire" him. Right. What a hero.

Darbs76 · 05/11/2022 08:31

It clearly bothers you so doesn’t matter what we say. If it’s not something you can cope with better to end the relationship.

ImustLearn2Cook · 05/11/2022 08:41

Perhaps he is unwilling or feels he is unable to have his child on any of the weekdays and this is a compromise so that Mum gets some quality time with their child on the weekend too.

She is actually doing the majority of the parenting responsibilities. Why should she not get any of the fun weekends?

Also, it is in a child’s best interest to have parents who get along, see their parents being on good terms and being able to spend quality time with both parents (together and separately).

This is co parenting.

Not everyone is suited to being in a relationship with someone who has children from previous relationships. Perhaps you should consider if this is the right relationship for you.

ImustLearn2Cook · 05/11/2022 08:44

OutDamnedSpot · 05/11/2022 08:20

Do you mean he spends time with her at handover? Or that all of the time he spends with his child is also with his ex?

If the latter (unless the child is under 2), I certainly wouldn’t admire him, and I’d not be persuing a relationship. It would seem to me that he was incapable of looking after a child on his own, or that he was trying to control his ex (by ensuring she had no time to herself).

I have the same question.

ImustLearn2Cook · 05/11/2022 08:51

My pp was based on this being handover.

If the only effort he is making is to spend one day a week with his child I would be wondering what is wrong with him. I’d be a bit concerned that he was abusive and his child isn’t safe with him unsupervised. That would mean you are not safe either and he intends to use you to get more access while expecting you to look after his child after he has convinced you that he is the victim of a controlling ex.

Bouledeneige · 05/11/2022 08:58

It would bother me that he hadn't managed to work out how to look after his kid in his own home. But not from the perspective of anything going on between them.

knittingaddict · 05/11/2022 09:15

SkylightSkylight · 04/11/2022 23:38

Yes it would bother me, but for different reasons possibly. Why us he so hopeless he doesn't have a place to take his child to or take him out for the day. Hanging around at her house doesn't mean he's parenting his child & for that alone, I'd be out. Plus I wouldn't trust them both.

That's exactly what I was thinking. That isn't admirable or appealing.

rainbowstardrops · 05/11/2022 09:20

Yes it would bother me. Why isn't he spending quality time alone with his child? Why isn't he able to do that?
Unless the child is a baby and being breastfed or whatever.
How long have you been together?

Snugglemonkey · 05/11/2022 10:33

pictish · 05/11/2022 08:23

Yes. Not even from a jealousy point of view either but an apparent lack of independence, motivation and capability to be a father to his child on his own steam. Unattractive.

This is what I was thinking. It seems lovely to me that they can have family days. They are and always will be a family and I am sure the kids love it and gain a lot. But every weekend? Instead of him actively parenting alone? No. He sounds like he is visiting them like an involved uncle, not being a dad. That is deeply unattractive to me and I wouldn't think if having kids with him.

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