To have asked DP to take SS somewhere else?

[penny4books]

I posted a thread the other day about DS, but I'm making a new one to get responses about this issue. I'll give some context anyway but ill try and keep it brief:

14yo DS started struggling since he started year 7, in year 8 the behaviour got worse, he took a knife into school and is now in a PRU. He told he heard voices and they would tell him what to do. The other day DS came home from school and went straight to his room to calm down, SS went into his room and wouldn't leave him alone, so DS threw a book. I spoke to him the next day and he told me he didn't feel safe anywhere as he always heard the voices, but sometimes he could ignore them other times they were just too ‘powerful’. He is currently on the waiting list for cahms. DP and DS usually have a good relationship but DP doesnt seem to believe DS and thinks he's misbehaving for attention.

SS(13) is due over on Tuesday and next weekend, so I asked if he can take SS somewhere else for a while until DS feels better, he's said I'm BU as DS and SS usually get along and he's worried in case SS thinks he's being punished.

He’s on the waiting list for CAMHS?! My god the system is really broken, who do they actually see?!

He needs to be seen by the CAMHS crisis service, not just wait for normal treatment. You have to make the mental health team aware that he is hearing voices and feeling very unsafe. This isn't something to wait and see.

You literally posted the exact same thing the other day - why not just bump your old thread? What advice are you hoping to get from a fresh thread that you didn't get from your last?

SS(13) is due over on Tuesday and next weekend, so I asked if he can take SS somewhere else for a while until DS feels better, he's said I'm BU as DS and SS usually get along and he's worried in case SS thinks he's being punished.

what would be your time frame for this? You'd basically be telling SS he can't come to his own home until DS allows him?

I know you have implied it but do you and this current boyfriend live together?

Would you like it if DP said to you to take DS away from the house for the days that his son his living there?

Where do you want them to go instead and for how long? Has DS asked not to be around SS or do you think it’ll be easier/safer?

You need to try and be a team with DP, you’ve both got children you’re responsible for and concerned about. Try and pull together in the same direction and tackle it as the unit you’ve tried to create instead of creating warring sides of them and us.

Is that your house or your partner's house or both?

Contact CAMHS, ask GP to expedite referral.

I’m not sure why taking SS somewhere else will help? Could he not come and you just keep on eye on their interactions?
On a different note as I’m sure you realise your DS needs urgent help; have you considered taking him to a&e when the voices are very intrusive for some urgent help?

Google your local Early Interventionin Psychosis Team. It may not be psychosis (voice hearing is very common) but they have to assess within two weeks!

If you had a biological child together would you be suggesting the same thing or is it just ss you don't want around?

What else have you been doing in the meantime to get help for your son who, clearly, desperately needs it. Surely you’re not just waiting for CAMHS.
Your SS has as much right to be in his home as your son does. It’s your son who needs something sorting for, not your SS who hasn’t done anything wrong.

Im sorry about your ds and hope he gets the help he needs but You cant just push out a member of the family like that.

What would you do if he lived with you full time?

I dont know what the answer is but its not what you are suggesting.

Please please please get your ds seen ASAP. Other posters have given you the how. Even if you both haven't sit in A&E (not something I normally suggest unless a limb is hanging off). He sounds like he is in an awful place. He is suffering badly - get him help. For his safety as much as anything. Don't wait until he hurts someone or himself.

Your DP sounds like a dick. Not supporting you at all.

I think you should take DS elsewhere if you don't think they can be together. It's not fair for SS to be excluded when she hadn't done anything wrong. Or you let SS round but you monitor DS at all times.

It’s not really analogous because the SS has another home, and his father can presumably take him somewhere else. OP’s DS lives there full time.

That said, OP, is it your house, your DP’s, or jointly owned/rented? You can’t really tell him he can’t bring his son around if it’s his house or he’s an equal partner to you in it.

Assuming you live with your DP, you can’t stop his son coming to his home. You’ve already made the decision to blend your families, you don’t get to pick and choose to avoid the bits of it that are difficult anymore.

Your focus needs to be on getting help for your son somehow. I’m sorry I don’t have better advice on that, because it must be terrifying for you.

You have to be the squeakiest wheel with CAMHS- keep calling, keep reiterating that you fear your child will harm himself or someone else. Does your local authority have a crisis line? That may be a faster way to get help- you’ll probably be advised to lock away all knives/sharps, cables, medication.

Who owns the house? If it’s your house then your partner can’t insist on what happens. If it’s a shared home then your SS has to be able to visit, but DP must keep him away from your son.

@Inertia no, OP must keep her son away from SS. The step child is the one in danger here.

I would suggest on Tuesday his dad takes him out, it's a treat. But by the weekend you need to come up with a solution, talk to ds about a safe space in the house he can cool off, perhaps your room, and out of bounds for dss. Meanwhile I'd be tempted to go to a&e this weekend, tell them about the voices and that he's worrying about controlling himself, that there's another child in the mix - they can refer from a&e. My dd has had intensive intervention via a&e and urgent camhs referrals

@whumpthereitis It’s not really analogous because the SS has another home, and his father can presumably take him somewhere else. OP’s DS lives there full time.

really? And how does that get framed to the ss? 'Nope you don't get to stay with your dad or go to his house anymore, until your step Brother/mum decides it's OK and time to do so'? Who else can be banned from coming over?

It’s not banning the DSS from the home, posters framing it like this are not helpful. It’s an entire blended family meeting the needs of one very unwell family member. Removing whatever stress, pressure and disruption that they possibly can is a helpful way of keeping everyone safe and assisting recovery/preventing exacerbation. Obviously it has to be framed sensitively to DSS so he doesn’t feel rejected/punished, but it’s not a bad idea.

One of my children has severe asthma and the other two have stayed with grandparents on occasion so I can give 3 hourly inhalers and deal with the distress and lack of sleep and focus on the poorly child. We frame it as “grandma has planned for us all to do something lovely together, unfortunately your sister is too poorly to go so we’ll sit this one out and join you next time”. In this scenario, all the children have their needs responded to, in different households, and there’s no resentment etc as we’ve removed any catalyst for that.

It seems like an odd decision based on one incident. It sounds like your SS is old enough for you/ your partner to have a frank discussion with him about what is going on and the need to give your DS some space.

I have no experience of this so I'm sorry if this a stupid suggestion but could you not carry on as if it's business as usual when dss visits but have them keep their distance from ds. Is carrying on an option?