To have asked DP to take SS somewhere else?

[penny4books]

I posted a thread the other day about DS, but I'm making a new one to get responses about this issue. I'll give some context anyway but ill try and keep it brief:

14yo DS started struggling since he started year 7, in year 8 the behaviour got worse, he took a knife into school and is now in a PRU. He told he heard voices and they would tell him what to do. The other day DS came home from school and went straight to his room to calm down, SS went into his room and wouldn't leave him alone, so DS threw a book. I spoke to him the next day and he told me he didn't feel safe anywhere as he always heard the voices, but sometimes he could ignore them other times they were just too ‘powerful’. He is currently on the waiting list for cahms. DP and DS usually have a good relationship but DP doesnt seem to believe DS and thinks he's misbehaving for attention.

SS(13) is due over on Tuesday and next weekend, so I asked if he can take SS somewhere else for a while until DS feels better, he's said I'm BU as DS and SS usually get along and he's worried in case SS thinks he's being punished.

Can people saying the stepson has done nothing wrong please read the other thread. He went into the OPs son's bedroom uninvited and then refused to leave despite being asked multiple times. That's when the son threw the book at him. The OP and her DP only punished her son after this because her DP refused to punish his son for being an annoying little shit who has no respect for people's privacy.

Having the stepson around would be fine but only if his dad is willing to enforce boundaries. Unfortunately the OPs partner is a dick who has no respect for her son and can't be arsed to parent his own child.

Yes, because a severe mental health crisis, a potentially dangerous one, is definitely a case of the stepbrother just not fancying having him over for a bit.

who else can be banned? Probably everyone else.

Unfortunately, the step child is the one refusing to respect boundaries and leave OP’s DS alone when he’s asked to.

These posts implying the SS has done anything wrong are infuriating. A 13 year old child cannot be blamed for not fully grasping the mental health crisis of a 14 year old step sibling.

OP, your son needs help NOW. You need to call and tell someone about the voices/knives etc. God forbid your poor son hurts himself or someone else whilst he’s waiting for CAHMS to respond. And who knows how long that will be.

Your SS at 13, is old enough to have it explained to him that DS is severely unwell, and needs minimal disruption in the house. Make sure DP spends quality time with SS, and takes him out etc. I think it’s fine to ask him not to actually stay if you’re at crisis point, but it’s not ok to then sit back and wait for CAHMS. Your son needs an urgent referral.

@penny4books the above, and at least in the MH trust I work in, CAMHS and early intervention in psychosis (EIP) work together from the age of 14, so your son should be eligible for their services.
If EIP tells you they don’t take self referrals, contact the Access and Assessment Team for your MH trust. They take self/family referrals. They will triage your son quickly and refer to EIP who do have to then do their assessment within 2 weeks.

this is important - If he’s hearing multiple voices, different genders, they’re talking to each other, commenting on what he‘s doing or telling him what he should do, this is very likely to be psychosis. There are other symptoms too that he may not have shared, or may not have realised that are also indicators. For some things, anxiety and psychosis can be on a continuum, for example.

I have found that knowing what to say, to whom and when, rather than relying on eg my gp referring me to the correct servicea, has helped me when I needed healthcare, including MH.

Your partner is going to have to move out to facilitate this. There isn't going to be a quick fix for your DS sadly. I really don't see what would change in the coming days and weeks to make you allow your step son to come back.

Do you and DP live in the same house? If so then no you can't tell him not to have DSS over. But she's DP want DSS over if there's a threat of him getting hurt?

He needs an early intervention appointment ASAP. Hearing voices at his age isn't a wait for an appointment type situation. Go to a pediatric A and E if needed. Combined with the knife incident, you have a seriously unwell child.

It isn't reasonable to expect your DH's children to not be allowed home until one of the other children in the home is stable. That could be months or years, depending on the issue. DP should tell his son that your son is struggling and needs to be left alone for right now.

First though, call a crisis team and get your son some immediate care.

he may not fully understand the meaning of a mental health crisis, but at 13 he absolutely knows to not let himself into someone else’s room and refuse to leave when asked to.

Is it some significant transgression? Of course not, but unfortunately his actions, as well as his father’s inability to enforce reasonable boundaries, means he’s inadvertently putting himself at risk.

In our area they have to have made a serious attempt at taking own life to get an emergency cahmns appointment otherwise it’s about a 2 year wait

Both children are in danger. A child who is hearing voices and carrying a knife is a danger to both himself and to others. That's why so many posters on here have been urging the OP to seek immediate help to her address her son's mental health issues. Posters with experience of the system have suggested ways for the OP to access help quickly, which is a lot more helpful than arguing over semantics.

The boys need to be kept apart. A13yo does not need to know the details of his stepbrother's mental health struggles, but if the 13yo is neurotypical he is absolutely old enough to understand that his stepbrother needs some time alone, and not to go and bother him when he's been told not to, and to leave the room when he's been asked.

It doesn't sound like the partner's responses are helpful, which is why so many have asked the question about whose house they live in- if DP and stepson are visiting guests, then it's perfectly reasonable to ask for contact to take place at the partner's house for a couple of weeks. If it's an established shared household, then the family need to work out ways to manage everyone's needs in a house they all live in.

@Derbee nobody has blamed the 13 year old for not fully grasping his step siblings mental health crisis. It has just been pointed out that at his age he is old enough to respect his step brother's privacy and to not enter someone else's bedroom without permission.

In the short term, it might be better for your DP to explain to his son that there is a crisis at home and he can't stay overnight for now.

But if the situation doesn't improve then your DP may need to move out temporarily as HIS priority must be to protect access and contact time with his own son. And if blending families prevents that, then they need to be unblended for a while.