AIBU or are the police?

[QueenieL1]

My ex partner has been abusive to me the past couple of years or so. We don't live together or have children or any ties like that, but I would say he is very domineering and coerces me. I am scared of him, as he can just turn on me for no reason. Last year he sent texts threatening to harm me which I reported to the police as I was genuinely scared he would do so. Now he has threatened me again but verbally this time. I rung the police and reported and they have said again there is no proper evidence. This is what they said last year even though the texts were evidence. They also advised me to record any further abuse on my phone. I was intimidated and nervous by the male officer who told me this but thinking about it now, when I am terrified of someone who is angry and shouting, I am not going to have the presence of mind to get my phone out and video him and also, would this not enrage him even more? I could end up with my phone smashed and there would still be lack of evidence. I am very confused by this advice and if this is just general to everyone now who reports something like this.
Also I've been told by the mental health team I fit with autism diagnosis and I struggle with things like taking photos and am clumsy. He has called me offensive names and mocked me for it. I just think this advice from the police is not helpful to me at all.
I have no intention of seeing him again and want to get a non molestation order but may have to attend court with him there too? I just couldn't do that. I'm very confused about what to do.

You will receive good advice on legal. Perhaps have it moved to there.

You are not being unreasonable.

Do you have his number blocked as well as all social media profiles blocked?

When he threatens you verbally where does he do it? Does he come to your house or workplace? Do you see him out in public?

My best advice would be to block him on everything if you haven’t already done so. Also invest in a ring doorbell, so if he does turn up at your house you will have video evidence of the threats and harassment, probably even stalking.

Please do not allow male officers to intimidate you. Report every single thing he does to you. Specify to speak to female officers.

I would also contact WomensAid for some more in depth advice and support.

Firstly well done for reporting in the first place

I think you need an appointment with either a specialised harassment officer or a charity to explain what steps you could take.

Have you got a non molestation order in place ?

Thanks but I also what to know what people think of this advice generally, as it concerns me that the police may say this to women and vulnerable people. They also said if there's no chance of prosecution they can't warn or give a caution. I think they were trying to say its my word against his and people can make malicious accusations so they have to be careful.

Personal experience is that women's aid are more helpful than the police. I actually met 2 very very lovely police officers, at 2 different times. But still they have solid rules and due to the rules I would never be able to have 'enough evidence'

@FlissyPaps Yes he is blocked, he rings me on private numbers in the daytime though and also comes to the house.
But this is why I want the non-molestation to end this and to make it clear to him he has to stop. But there is no way I could go to a court and he would be there also.
The male officers were not intimidating or unfriendly, they meant well, but I am very intimidated by men in general and feel I can't speak up.
Thanks for the replies.

If you have no evidence of his behaviour sadly the CPS won’t have evidence to prosecute.

Its shit. But really that’s the truth.

I think the male officer in question could have been a lot more sympathetic towards you and your situation. Sadly this is the case for many crimes. The force is massively underfunded and understaffed, they do not have the time to investigate a lot of crimes. Especially domestic issues.

All you can do is document everytime your ex contacts you and then report it.

Block his number. Block all social media channels. But a ring doorbell. Inform your friends and family. Inform your workplace. Please speak to a domestic abuse charity or WomensAid.

@mangoallergy yes and they don't really explain the rules, and this is what is so confusing.

Police should have interviewed you and taken a statement about the threatening text messages.
They could then have chosen to deal with it and if necessary issue a caution. Even if it didn’t proceed to caution then words of advice could have been issued. Did they do this?

After this any further communication would have shown a course of conduct - he had been warned and continued.

You can apply for a non molesation order yourself. It’s quite easy. It’s free. You may have to pay for court baliff to serve any order if granted. It’ll probably be a phone hearing. If it’s not then you don’t need to see him from what I know.

If you don’t feel the police have taken the crime of harassment seriously call 101 and complain. You will be listened to and it will be reviewed.

Also, change your number!! Only give it out to trusted friends and family members.

You shouldn’t have to I know, but sadly it’s a way to stop him from contacting you from unknown and withheld numbers.

Also what is the context of your contact with him.

@CornishTiger I made a full statement last year and and told them I was prepared to go to court. He actually threatened to kill me. I got a phone call a couple of days later from a different officer, not enough evidence. Police this time told me they can't caution or warn, it's prosecution or nothing.
That's good to know the non molestation doesn't have to be in person.

The context of my contact is that I had feelings for him and he has manipulated me into seeing him again.

I suppose what is so confusing for me is not knowing whether this just standard with the police now to give advice like this as I only have my own experience to judge.

Totally feel for you. I've been there, so definitely get the can't walk into the same room, even a court room, that he's in part. I was forced to do so (due to child arrangement etc.), and had a meltdown then got smashed by his fancy lawyer, as I couldn't afford one.
Really really hope you can sort this out soon. Try contact women's aid they are very helpful and would understand. They even sat with me for my second court hearing holding my hands.
Sending lots of hugs.

@FlissyPaps The abuse has always happened at his home, I always feel vulnerable going as its a few miles away and I don't have transport to get home if he becomes nasty. I know this sounds pathetic.

In the nicest possible way this line of thinking isn't going to help you right now. You need to focus on

• getting non mol
• keeping a diary of every time he contacts you. How, where, when, what happened.

@mangoallergy That's terrible that happened to you, its just another way for them to control and abuse their victims. It's even the logistics of getting to my nearest city and him being outside the court even.

If he contacts by phone use the voice recorder, I'm not 100% how to use it myself, be best to Google how on your device. Or if you have a tablet too, keep handy and record on that. If he comes to your home, use cctv to record. Ring door bell camera or you can get quite cheap motion sensor cctv cameras with audio, the footage is through an app on your phone. Maybe this is what the officer meant but he should have explained it properly. My ex made threats to kill me, he wasn't charged for that because it was verbal. He did assault me though so was charged for that. Before he was charged I got a non molestation order. I contacted ncdv and they helped arrange it. Very rare you'd have to face them in court, if you were asked to go in person they use screens or video links and you can have a chaperone. Once in place he can get a sentence of up to 5 years if he breaches, again you'd need some evidence to have him charged.

So you resumed contact as you still have feelings for him.

Do the work. Look at your role modelling, why your boundaries aren’t in place, self esteem, confidence etc. Freedom programme. Refer yourself to local domestic abuse organisations. Have the counselling.

That is your best protection for keeping you away from this man. Hard I know.

As for the police I’d look at a complaint. It’s domestic abuse. Last years threats to kill should have been taken seriously. Did they refer you to an IDVA?

@StrictlyAFemaleFemale Yes I know haha, it's just I become obsessed with these details and get myself wound up thinking about them when I should be focused on the bigger picture.

NCDV can do the non molesation for you although when I used them recently we didn’t have the best experience. However worth considering if you don’t think you can do the application yourself.

You must stop going to his house. It won’t help your case at all. He isn’t coming to your house and threatening you is he?

I hope the link works...
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This is the camera i have, you can get the smaller version for an extra 10, if you don't want it obvious. NCDV can give advice on home security too, it's scary to be honest, but they're just looking out for you in a worst case scenario.

Stop going to his house. When was the last time you went?

Do you have any belongings there?

Do NOT return any contact to him. Change your number immediately. Block, block and block again. Keep on reporting any threats or harassment.