AIBU or are the police?

[QueenieL1]

My ex partner has been abusive to me the past couple of years or so. We don't live together or have children or any ties like that, but I would say he is very domineering and coerces me. I am scared of him, as he can just turn on me for no reason. Last year he sent texts threatening to harm me which I reported to the police as I was genuinely scared he would do so. Now he has threatened me again but verbally this time. I rung the police and reported and they have said again there is no proper evidence. This is what they said last year even though the texts were evidence. They also advised me to record any further abuse on my phone. I was intimidated and nervous by the male officer who told me this but thinking about it now, when I am terrified of someone who is angry and shouting, I am not going to have the presence of mind to get my phone out and video him and also, would this not enrage him even more? I could end up with my phone smashed and there would still be lack of evidence. I am very confused by this advice and if this is just general to everyone now who reports something like this.
Also I've been told by the mental health team I fit with autism diagnosis and I struggle with things like taking photos and am clumsy. He has called me offensive names and mocked me for it. I just think this advice from the police is not helpful to me at all.
I have no intention of seeing him again and want to get a non molestation order but may have to attend court with him there too? I just couldn't do that. I'm very confused about what to do.

@CornishTiger Yes I need to do all those things, I am waiting for mental health therapy. Although I just want to hide away from the world now. Is an IDVA how you get the non molestation.

@CornishTiger The NCDV? Yes, I have an appointment to speak to them on Monday. What was bad about your experience, if you don't mind me asking.
Yes I will not be seeing or having any further contact with him.

We don't real have a police force anymore imo. They respond to emergencies and major incidents but otherwise they have no time. You have evidence, the written word is sufficient evidence, so I believe you are not being unreasonable.

One thing that may prove useful is an app that records sound. If you have it on a phone short cut it will be easy to switch on and you won't need your phone on display, it can stay in your pocket.

Please try to avoid him, if you can move away.

Sending you a hug x

Change your number

Hi OP. If ever you needed to go to court. You could do a live link or have screens to give evidence. So at no time would you see the Defendant. There is a lot of help for victims and witnesses.

I suppose it just concerns me that the police are expecting or asking people to record evidence on phones. Which is only because people have smartphones now. I think a lot of people would freeze in abusive situations. Just try to get away without being harmed or making the situation worse. Logically it would make sense to record but realistically in that situation.

@AnnabelC Thank you, I think you can get an order without them being notified, and no court, I may be wrong but will ask for that.

@Dibbydoos Agree about the police, they are busy and overstretched and I try to bear that in mind and also take responsibility myself for what has happened.
Thanks for the hug 🙂

I think you should put in a complaint or follow up somehow with the response you got from this officer. You had written proof of a threat and that is a crime. I'm not sure what they are supposed to do but just because they are underfunded doesn't mean you shouldn't go through the proper channels to hold them to account. I was once on jury duty and a man was on trial for threatening someone behind a nightclub. No video evidence. The CPS basically don't prosecute anything anymore, they are shit, but surely you should get your non molestation order? Ask in legal.

A ring doorbell + subscription will record events at your door - whether it is rung or not, whether you open the door or not.

As others have said change your number.

You need to change your number and delete all trace of his number.

As PPs have said it’s worth getting a ring camera in case he turns up.

Text him from your old phone saying you do not want any more contact with him and you have reported him to the police for his threats.
If he turns up then ring the police.

I would try and move if you can.

Honestly though it does seem like you have continued with the contact which is maybe why the police aren’t doing much about it.
You can’t ask for a non molestation order but then keep meeting up.

You say you feel threatened when you’re at his home yet continue to go there knowing this.

You can’t expect things to change on their own.
You have to be the one to decide enough is enough.

Contact the NCDV - they can apply for a non molestation order for you. They're really shit hot and can probably apply for it without you having to give evidence or if you do, in a closed court.
www.ncdv.org.uk/information-for-police-agencies/how-to-make-a-referral/

You need to change your phone number - you shouldn't have to do it, but we can't erase your number from his mind.

To get a caution, he will need to admit to the offence - otherwise it a prosecution only.

Possibly the reasons why they can't pursue the harassment is due to the contact you have made with him - CPS will argue that it can't be harassment if you are seeing him on occasions. Any threats made will be a different issue of course.

I don't know the ins and outs of the case to fully comment - but that might be a reason.

My advice would be:
Change your number both mobile and home. Set up a preference service via phone providers so no withheld numbers can get through.
If you can get cctv or a ring doorbell outside your home, that would be helpful. They dont need to be expensive and you can get cheap ones which sit inside
If you trust your neighbours, let them know and they can be aware of anything happening.
Keep going with your non mol order. There will be charities who can help you with this.
Keep a diary of events, times dates etc.
This should have been crimed as an harassment. 9 x out of 10, its cps who wont proceed, all domestic cases can only get a charge via cps. Caution will only be given if he admitted it, which is very unlikely.
Please carry in reporting every incident. These are used in court even if no official outcome is gained.
I hope this helps.

You need to go back to the police with this. They aren’t doing their job properly here. Of course there are things they can do. You need to report him for harassment and indicate you are worried he will start stalking you (given he turns up at your house!). Also, if you can afford it then please get a ring doorbell. You will have recordings of when he turns up at the house and what he says to you and it looks innocuous so he won’t register that it’s filming. You can submit the recordings to police, they accept them as evidence.

It's not harassment without a clear indication that contact is unwanted. Threatening behaviour, or malicious communications perhaps. That would be difficult to know without proof and as it seems to be verbal without witnesses that's a challenge, or is helpful where there is a pattern of call ours/reports though, so please contact police every time he makes contact.
I know it's difficult but you need to find the support to draw clear boundaries and not make contact with him. Then record any contact he makes to you. Not in person (far too risky), you wouldn't be seeing him in person and if he attends your address don't let him in, call police. If you can afford it a ring doorbell or similar it is very useful. Keep any texts/emails etc.