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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to want my dc to only call his actual grandads "grandad"?

46 replies

superdenki · 29/01/2008 10:53

DH's parents are divorced and MIL lives with new partner, who ds calls uncle X (they've been together for about 8 years now). BUT now, our son is 2 and suddenly MIL has started sending Christmas and birthday cards signed "grandma and grandad". DH had a quiet word and she made some crappy excuse about writing it 'by mistake, but what difference does it make'. How do we tell her that writing something down doesn't make it the truth and to just accept that DS already has 2 grandads?

OP posts:

morningpaper · 29/01/2008 10:58

Don't you like him? It sounds as though he really wants to be part of the family. I think it is a nice courtesy. My DDs have four "grandmas" because of this reason. It shows the new partner that they are part of the family. Not doing so makes an issue out of it and seems to imply that you don't accept your MIL's partner as part of the family, which is a real shame.

posieflump · 29/01/2008 10:59

yabu

bubblagirl · 29/01/2008 11:00

my dp parents are divorced and have new partners we call the partners nanny and then name and grandad and then name

as technically they are as married to graqndparent

and my mum and dad are just nanny and grandad

i dont see this as unfair as why would uncle be with nanny i think this would confuse my ds more

and everyone is happy with being nanny x and grandad y

themildmanneredjanitor · 29/01/2008 11:02

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

NicEm · 29/01/2008 11:03

YANBU!

milkymill · 29/01/2008 11:03

Yanbu. I can totally understand why you wouldn't want hime to be called Grandad when he is not in fact Grandad. My dh's Nanna has been with her 2nd husband since before dh was born, and he calls him by his Christian name; doesn't mean he doesn't love him, or consider him to be part of the family.

StaceyBranning · 29/01/2008 11:04

We are in the same position. My Mum remarried about 11yrs ago and her Husband has always been Uncle X, she has now started intruding my DC's as their 'Grandchildren' and sending 'to our grandchildren' cards. As all our parents are remarried it would be too confsuing to have 4 grandmothers and 4 grandfathers so we use the grandad and auntie x and nanny and uncle x situation. No-one has a problem with it ans agreed it was the best idea, except now my Mother has changed it and keeps up this 'our grandchildren' thing. I haven't said anything yet but I can understand entirly where you are coming from.

Good luck!

Freckle · 29/01/2008 11:04

My maternal grandfather remarried just after my parents go married and before any of us was born. My actual grandmother had died when my mum was 16.

We started out calling step-grandmother "Auntie Helen", but as we got older we changed it to Granny (at her request). It didn't make any odds to us because we still had two grandmothers. However Granny was forever going on about how she wasn't really part of the family, etc. She refused to come to family get-togethers on that basis - which we wouldn't have minded so much but Grandad used to stay away too because he didn't want to upset her.

So, I suppose that, what I'm trying to say is, if your step-FIL wants to be a grandad, then let him. He isn't ousted either of the other two grandads and your children will benefit from having another important relationship in their lives. If, however, he makes a deal about not really being part of the family, then go back to Uncle!

mazzystar · 29/01/2008 11:04

I think he's a lucky boy to have three grandads. Because I am sure this is what your MIL's partner seems to be.

But I also think changing it all of a sudden and without disucussing with you is a bit funny.

Comfy here on the fence.

Ineedacleaner · 29/01/2008 11:05

Sorry YABU. We are not talking about a new partner they have been together 8 years. All the families I know in this situation the partner is always known as granny or grandad.

I think it is more confusing for children to have nanny and uncle than just cleaning it all up having nanny and grandad.

Think morningpaper summed it up well.

morningpaper · 29/01/2008 11:06

But he IS a step-Grandparent! Not an uncle. I think it is a great shame that you cannot include them properly in your family. It must be really hurtful. What's wrong with 4 grandads and grandmas? It will only make your parents feel included and proud - where's the harm in that? I think you are projecting your own discomfort with your parents re-marriage and using that as a way of excluding the new partners. Which is a real shame. It's so much nicer to include them properly. And how FANTASTIC for your dcs to have EIGHT grandparents! What a blessing! Loads of people have NONE!

themildmanneredjanitor · 29/01/2008 11:06

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

princessosyth · 29/01/2008 11:07

I think YABU. It is only a small thing and would probably make an old man very happy.

Freckle · 29/01/2008 11:09

I agree with morningpaper. He is a grandparent, albeit a step-grandparent. Perhaps your MIL has been a little insensitive in not running this past you first, but I can see why she is trying to do it.

milkymill · 29/01/2008 11:14

Morning paper - yes he is a step-Grandparent, but this doesn't mean he needs to be called 'Grandad'; just as step-parents aren't necessarily called 'Mum' or 'Dad'.

hedgehog1979 · 29/01/2008 11:15

I think YAB a little U

my mum lost her mother when she was very little so we never knew her. When I was little her father and step mother were nana and grandad. I think you have to accept that the way that we live currently will mean this will become more and more common.

We are expecting dc1 and are going to have the same problem as DH's mother and father are divorced and FIL has a new partner who is expecting to be a grandma (of some description) against my better judgement but for harmony I am willing to accept it and moan on here rather than moan at DH/MIL/FIL etc

bozza · 29/01/2008 11:15

When my DS was little he had three Grandmas and four Grandads. Two of them were my grandparents and one was DH's. But he never referred to them as "great-..". He just used to refer to them all as Grandma X and Grandad Y with their christian name, as you do with Auntie and Uncle. And it was fine.

morningpaper · 29/01/2008 11:16

But they are your "step-mother" and "step-father" and the reason you might not call them "mum" or "dad" is because those are very specific roles that you associate with your (original) parent.

Whereas the Grandparent relationship is a completely new one, and not exclusive in that way. There is no reason at all not to have several grandparents - and lots of reasons in favour. Not least, as another poster said, making an old man very happy.

morethanmum · 29/01/2008 11:19

YABU if he acts like nice person. DD1 is adopted, so really your logic implies she has no-one to call granny or grandad...sometimes blood is not thicker than water or whatever.

VictorianSqualor · 29/01/2008 11:20

My DD&DS have always called their real grandparents partners 'nanna' or 'pap'. It's perfectly normal IMO.

Now I am with a new partner and pg this baby is obviously going to have a different set of grandparents (DP's parents) who at the moment DD&DS call by their first names and the question has been raised whether or not the two I already have will want to call them nan and grandad too. We've decided to leave it down to DP's parents as to whther they'll feel comfortable with them calling them nan and grandad, don't think it's really down to me or dp, it's the DC & his parents relationship, not ours.

GooseyLoosey · 29/01/2008 11:20

My dcs call my stepdad "grandpa". This is something that they do not call anyone else so there is no confusion. If it is a long term relationship and he wants to be part of the family, I would not have much problem with it.

squix · 29/01/2008 11:21

I think YABU too, sorry. My DD has 5 grandparents, due to death, divorce remarrige etc and it is great for her to have so many. We call them a variety of things - Grandad and X for my dad and his wife, Grandma and Grandad Y for my mum and her husband and Nanna for my DH's mum. The fact that my dad's wife is only 2 years older than my DH did make calling her Grandma seem a bit wierd...hence why she's just X. But they are all still grandparents.

burstingbug · 29/01/2008 11:24

Our DS's have 6 grandparents and 1 great grandparent.
The 'step grandparents' are Granddad Ray and Nan Bat.
DH doesn't call either 'mum' or 'dad', doesn't even refer to them as his step mum or dad. They are merely to him, his parent's partners but they are both DS's Grandparents iyswim.

milkymill · 29/01/2008 11:24

I suppose maybe I do see them as specific roles much like parents. I don't get the impression that the op is being petty or trying to exclude mils partner, some people just aren't comfortable with someone else adopting the that name.

wilbur · 29/01/2008 11:27

Sorry, I agree that you are being a little unreasonable about this. My dcs have only one set of grandparents and I would be thrilled if there was someone else in the family who wanted to be an extra grandpa or granny to them.

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