To think you treat your children the same/fairly

[Reachedmylimit]

I’m one of 4. My mother has a clear favourite who is not speaking to me and not speaking to another sibling (he’s difficult but of course his behaviour is never the problem as he’s the golden child).

Due to this schism in the family, we never do things as a whole family. What my mother does instead is organise lunches and dinners etc with golden child and the brother who speaks to him. She doesn’t then organise the equivalent with me and the other brother, so it’s completely unfair, as well as utterly enabling golden child.

I’ve wasted a lot of time and effort explaining this to her. She seemed to finally understand why this was so hurtful and damaging to our relationship and then this year she decided to double down on the upset and organised a family holiday with her, GC and his girlfriend/child and my other brother. To be clear - this isn’t a situation where GC and his girlfriend are having a holiday and invited her. SHE has entirely planned and organised/invited them and the other brother along. I think the presence of the other brother is also what turns it from a grandmother accompanying a child and his family on a holiday into a “fuck you/utterly excluding” situation.

AIBU to think what’s fair is for her to then organise the same for my other brother and me? This entire situation feels like bullshit and I’ve had enough of being excluded from stuff.

I posted about the lunch/dinner situation before in case people recognise the topic!

I’m one of 4. My mother has a clear favourite who is not speaking to me and not speaking to another sibling (he’s difficult but of course his behaviour is never the problem as he’s the golden child)

Hmm, I'm not sure really, could it be that You and you sibling are actually the difficult ones?

You seem quite vocal about telling her how unfair stuff is and demanding the same.

I haven’t even mentioned this trip to her, I’m just very upset that she has done it again after we discussed the unfairness.

also to clarify it’s nothing to do with money, it’s just the unfairness/favouritism.

he is definitely the difficult one. Everyone walks on eggshells around him/he was a huge bully growing up. Removed door handles from my room/ used to cut wires on machines to punish us etc. v nasty. Has about 2 friends/cuts people off for perceived slights

Honestly I'd just sod them all and go very low contact.

This.

Your mum won’t change. Your brother won’t change. You need to change how you deal with them if you want to be happy.

that was what the advice on other thread I posted about the dinners last year was, but I thought I would try really hard to discuss with my mother and she seemed to get it.

now I just feel like an idiot

Generally i dont believe everyone has to be treated the same, some need different things than others.

It is really hurtful that your mum is not bothered about relationship with you or other brother. I would distance yourself from her and try to stop expecting/hoping for anything else to save yourself any more disappointment.

The odds of your mum changing the pattern of a lifetime are very, very small. To protect yourself, you need to stop hoping that if you just communicate it the right way, she'll get it at last.
If at all possible I would drop contact with your mother and the two favoured brothers, and cultivate the relationship you would like to have with your other sibling.
With distance and reflection you may be able to see why your mother has nurtured this dynamic in your family (I have favouritism running through every generation of mine and can trace it quite clearly), but that doesn't mean you have to excuse it.

I remember your last thread (vaguely). You have to accept that if your mother was interested in you she would be trying to spend more time with you and your other sibling. She doesn’t and nothing you say or do will change that. Stop trying, a year later and you are still letting it get to you. Just stop and accept that it’s not in your control, you didn’t do anything, you didn’t deserve it but it is what it is.

I agree children have different needs etc but with stuff like lunches/holidays etc it’s just very shitty. Again it’s not financial I would be happy to pay etc it’s just about the idea she wanted to organise and do a holiday with them but not with us!

Maybe she just doesn't really like you and the other DB?

It could be this, yes!

Sorry 😞💗

If you went on holiday with her would she just spend the whole time talking about golden brother and other brother? Why put yourself through that.

Similar happens to me, my parents fall over themselves to spend time with one of my siblings, go out of their way to do anything to help. The other gets a smaller dose of it. I get virtually nothing, a quick 30second visit as they are passing to see the favourite, and any contact is basically just so they can have access to my child.

Any time we see each other if the favourite is there it's all about them. If they aren't there then my parents spend the whole time talking about them. It all hit a head last year when both siblings were out of the country and my child was away with relatives. I was hounded for a coffee shop meet up that weekend, I went along, all the conversation was about the others with not even a quick "how are you?". Then I didn't hear from my parents for months because everyone else returned.

So I checked out of the relationship and no longer fight for scraps.

I have a great relationship with the favourite child and my other sibling. We spend lots of time together and have good fun. But I now just eyeroll my parents difference in attitude towards us and move on, it really is their loss. When it comes to elderly care they'll know where they can run to for help.

But that's not because of you! If narcissistic mothers have a golden child, they simply like that child more only because of whatever grandiose fantasies they project onto them and because the person doesn't criticise but confirms their mother's delusion. This must be very painful to you, but you will be so much happier if you remember to put yourself first, love yourself, and call your mother our for what she is, a narcissistic scam of a mother who betrays herself and everyone with her self-serving delusions. Ultimately, she can't be happy, and her relationship with your brothers is not real and authentic.

The situation sounds very similar re your parents wanting to see the grandchildren. I certainly think that my children are the only reason my mother comes round!
im sorry you’re going through the same

Sounds like you know my situation exactly!

she had this massive idea of GC being wildly successful and taking care of her financially as she is alone. It didn’t pan out that way (quite the opposite in fact) and I think she is not able to let go of the dream/the idea that he is some sort of demi god! The other brother who went with them also hero worships him despite the fact he is not the cool 18 year old he once was

YABU.

Presumably, you’re an adult now? Your mum can choose to spend time with whoever she likes and you need to accept that.

I think it’s fine if a parent prefers the company of one of their adult children over another, particularly as the adult DC usually have partners.

My mum used to find my older sister’s husband and my older brother’s wife quite difficult to rub along with compared to my ex DH and my other brother’s wife. I love my siblings but god, their partners are annoying. Mum has been gone a long time now and I still find the two other partners hard work and prefer to limit our visits to odd days as any longer and I want to run out screaming. A thinks he’s hilarious but he’s actually just rude and sarcastic and B spends all her time complaining about other people. Aaargh!!

Sadly, I can say the same about my own adult DC. One has a lovely easy going partner and we have fun and laugh a lot in their company and the other is very brittle and clearly much prefers to spend time with her own family.

Same with my Dad, but he’s not even arsed about my DDs, the only Grandchildren that he will ever have. I finally gave up last summer, and haven’t heard from him since.

I’m fairly certain (and so are my Grandparents) that my Dad thrives on the high drama/chaotic life my two siblings have, enjoys playing the rescuer, and because I’m just over here, quietly cracking on with my life with zero support (and frankly, even if I did need it, I wouldn’t get it!), not being a bother, but I’m the one that he can’t be arsed to make time for.

Squeaky wheel gets the grease and all that.

I understand what you’re saying and where you’re coming from - my children are little so it’s impossible for me to imagine preferring one so dramatically to the other that I treat them so differently

I think that if my mother doesn’t like spending time with the two of us then ok; that’s her prerogative. But then I don’t see why I would facilitate her seeing my children if she dislikes their mother and cares so little for my feelings. And I don’t see why I would have her here for Christmas etc (which she’s only coming to as I know my brother won’t be inviting her to his), or indeed bother having any relationship with her.

i wouldn’t have a friend who didn’t like me, I don’t see why family would be any different!

it’s sad how prevalent this issue is

So why have you got her for Christmas?

Yes this is what I’d do too

that was arranged before this holiday happened

I’d start putting the same amount of effort into the relationship with your mother as she puts into her relationship with you. This is what I’ve done with much of my own relatives. I focus on the family that matter to me- whether they’re actually related or they’re friends who feel like family.