Is this controlling behaviour?

[nobabiesyet]

I called my husband controlling over an argument last night. He is very upset by it. I would like to know whether other people think I was wrong, and whether his behaviour was usual, or if in fact, it was a bit controlling.

We were watching TV, and looking to start a new series. Most of what I suggested were crime series, and fair enough he said he'd had enough of crime. He put something on to try - without discussion of the detail of it which was fine. It started very slowly. (I don't know the name of it) I admit I was scrolling on my phone, ( I admit I wish I had not) but it was a very slow start, and I think I did roll my eyes. So, it had only been going 15 minutes and he just switches it off - after my eye roll. Goes to get a book to read. Will not allow any discussion. I ask him to please put it back on. I'd like to give it a go. He point blank refuses. I said I think this is controlling behaviour.
I wish i had not rolled my eyes, but I feel I was treated like a 5 year old. I think he should have asked me if I wanted to continue. He thinks I've been unfair, I still think it was controlling.
I don;t want to upset him, but why should I lie about how it made me feel. So I thought I'd ask your advice. He has done this at least once before. So was I being unreasonable expecting to have a discussion about it before it was switched off, or was I in the wrong?

How on earth is this controlling behaviour

he had a strop, because you were being a bit ridiculous.

Jesus Christ, it’s a TV show, grow up

thank you for your honesty.

I think you’re overreacting and I wouldn’t call that controlling.

It's not controlling imo. He's turned it off because you eye rolled and played on your phone for the first 15 minutes. What would a discussion have done? If you're trying to start a series together and that's your reaction, I'd have turned it off too!

Not controlling. He didn't want to watch it with you scrolling your phone and eye rolling, so he read a book instead. Do you usually choose? Feels like you were sulking because you didn't get the genre you wanted.

Thanks everyone. Appears I was in the wrong. I'll say sorry.

It’s one thing to ask “do you mind not scrolling through your phone whilst we’re watching this program” and it’s another to get up and switch it off and not talk. He was treating you like a naughty child. Sorry but he needs to wind his neck in.

Well the OP was acting like a child

It's not controlling.
I remember my ex doing what you did and I didn't want to watch any more as I was put off by his boredom and negativity.

You weren't unreasonable for expecting to have a discussion before it was switched off, but you were unreasonable for using your phone and eye rolls as a substitute for starting that discussion.

Might have been better to say "this is a bit of a slow starter isn't it - do you want to stick with it and see how it goes, or try something else?" Or if you really couldn't stand it, to say so. How would he have reacted to that?

I would say it's bad communication. Why couldn't he just say "I can see you're not interested in this so I'm going to do something else" that way at least you could have responded.

After he switched it off what do you think would happen if you put the TV back on?

So he picked a series, you scrolled through your phone while it was on and didn't really pay attention so he switches it off and you ask him to switch it back on because you're suddenly interested in watching it. Why would he? So you can sit scrolling through your phone again or roll your eyes?

I don't think he's been controlling at all and I understand why he would have been upset at the accusation.

That being said, if you're both deciding on a series to watch together, you should both discuss any potential options, mutually agree before trying something out and have the decency to put your phone down and actually watch it.

He has done this at least once before.

Done what? Chosen a tv programme you don't enjoy, then been pissed off that you didn't want to watch it? The worst he's guilty of is poor communication & childish sulking.

You refused to even look at the programme to establish if you could like it.
All he wanted was to enjoy watching it together, but you would not even try.
Instead of discussing your opinion & offering an alternative, you scrolled on your phone & rolled your eyes.

Have YOU done that more than once before?
He's no more controlling than you are. Possibly a little less ...
www.cps.gov.uk/legal-guidance/controlling-or-coercive-behaviour-intimate-or-family-relationship

I don't think it's controlling. He wasn't stopping or restricting you in any way and I can understand why he is annoyed by your comment

Not a reasonable adult way to negotiate a difference in viewing tastes!

Doomscrolling and eyerolling when you'd sat down to watch something together, not ideal. Switching it off without word and silently going off to get a book and then refusing to talk to you, not great.

Not sure the punishment fit the crime here.

It's not controlling and using that word does a disservice to those truly suffering in that sort of relationship.

That said he was needlessly stroppy but you were rather childish.

No, it isn't controlling behaviour! Bloody hell, you need to grow up. It was a tv programme.

Grow up it's a tv show. You calling him controlling is super aggressive.

No it's not controlling. You were being childish and he reacted in an equally childish manner.

He’s not controlling but you both are acting as badly as each other. Why did you roll your eyes? You’re like stroppy teenagers. I’ll tell you how it would have gone in my house- if I would have suggested something, but husband asked to watch something else. If I started scrolling on my phone, husband would have said ‘Are you not into this, shall we watch something else?’ I would probably say, ‘oh no sorry I will give it a go’ OR ‘I’ve just got some emails to answer but crack on if you like it’ - why are you two not able to communicate with each other like that?

Thank you everyone. Good to get a reality check. I will apologise. I realise this was the wrong term to use. I meant really to get across the point - that the default to fly off the handle by him IMO (switch it off - no discussion before) felt like I was being ??? I struggle for the wrong word here. A bit like, when if you were a child you sighed over your dinner, and it ended up in the bin. I suppose I was wondering whether other people did this. As I think, I would have, asked : are you not enjoying it...so the other person could have the chance to focus.
But I realise that this is not the common view and I used a term that was not appropriate and very loaded.

Turning the TV off and reading is flying off the handle in your opinion?

lord have mercy

Okay. Yes it is to me. Getting up. Switching it off and refusing to talk about it. Yes. Well, not in a screaming, shouty way, but in a 'it can not be discussed.'

Obviously, we have different opinions - and my posts annoy you. So thank you for your feedback.

I'm not sure why he can't watch a TV show without you joining in - seems odd that two adults have to sit and watch TV together with the same level of interest - wouldn;t bother me if I was watching something and the other person wasn't.

But it all seems a bit silly tbh

You were both a bit petulant. It happens.