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Original poster

Boyfriend next wants sex - mid 20s

44 replies

Piza · 04/11/2022 08:10

Hello;

We're both 27. We used to have a lot of sex. Just moved in together about 4 months ago and we have sex like once a month now.

I'm not one to "force" sex so if he doesn't want it, Im fine with it but lately I'm feeling insecure. I asked him if he still thinks I'm attractive and he says he is very attracted to me but it's just finding the time and his mental health hasn't been good.

Sometimes he'll say "we can have sex if you want" but I say no to that as I don't want sex if it's just because I want to.

Just feeling a bit down this morning about it all and I feel it's causing some tension between us (particularly me being moody)

OP posts:
Original poster
Piza · 04/11/2022 08:11

The title was meant to read "never"

OP posts:
jiggleypuff · 04/11/2022 08:18

Please leave before you get entangled through marriage (or pregnancy by the once monthly shags).

A sexless marriage is soul destroying if libidos don't match.

No2coming · 04/11/2022 08:19

I would plans to leave him now

Aquamarine1029 · 04/11/2022 08:22

You're not compatible, and I seriously doubt this will get better. Cut your losses now and end it. Please believe us when we tell you this won't work.

traintraveller · 04/11/2022 08:27

If you want more sex than he is able to offer you need to split especially as you don't seem to have any sympathy for his mental health issues. You being moody because he won't have sex with you is abusive.

DominoBlue · 04/11/2022 08:29

Get out now. He's destroying your self esteem by making you feel like he's doing you a favour by having sex with you. Like it's a chore not anything he can get excited about. You will end up so stressed during sex/foreplay wondering if he is "really" enjoying himself. He's working on your boundaries, he is keeping you keen by making you worry you are losing him. Life and love shouldn't be like this. Next he will start comparing you to other girls or just looking wistfully at some type of woman totally unlike you. Whilst half heartedly assuring you he really does love you.
I expect he uses his "mental health" issues to avoid housework and sit on the sofa watching telly or gaming, whilst you act like his mother.
After 4 months living together you should still be in the honeymoon phase, really enjoying your time together and privacy. Or too much porn and wanking so he's not interested in sex as it's too much effort when he can get it piped into his head and get release in a few minutes.
Honestly just get out, in your 20s it shouldn't be like this. He sounds lazy.

FuckabethFuckor · 04/11/2022 08:30

Sexual attraction can often be the first thing to fizzle out. He may just not fancy you any more and that’s okay, he can’t help how he feels.

You just have to end the relationship if you establish that you’re no longer sexually compatible.

Don’t get moody with him, that’s manipulative and won’t make either of you feel any better.

KangarooKenny · 04/11/2022 08:30

Bin him off now before you get trapped. Life is too short for that shit.

FlissyPaps · 04/11/2022 08:32

When you say his mental health isn’t good, has he seen a GP about it and getting support?

A lot of people are quick to jump the gun and tell you to leave. But if you genuinely love this person and want to make it work you first start supporting him through his issues. Not getting moody about it.

WhatTheHellIsAQuasar · 04/11/2022 08:36

Leave now - it’s a fairly new relationship, nothing tying you to this person. It won’t get better and a sexless relationship is utterly soul destroying

Sugargliderwombat · 04/11/2022 08:42

Sorry to say I've been here. Together early 20s and I stupidly stayed until 30. By the end we hadn't had sex for 2 years and the years before that maybe once or twice a year. I never found out why but it didn't matter, it doesn't get better

OKild09 · 04/11/2022 08:44

He's gay

Jedsnewstar · 04/11/2022 08:53

jiggleypuff · 04/11/2022 08:18

Please leave before you get entangled through marriage (or pregnancy by the once monthly shags).

A sexless marriage is soul destroying if libidos don't match.

This, with bells on.

Look at the dead bedrooms group on Reddit. Full of people finally leaving after years of misery.

He may change a bit for you with a threat of leaving but it will dwindle again.

PotentiallyPolly · 04/11/2022 09:08

Yeah this isn’t going to get better and you’re going to end up a lot more miserable than you are now. You’re fundamentally incomparable - and sod having no sex life at your age!

QuestioningMyExistence · 04/11/2022 09:23

Going through this right now with my partner. I can’t understand it because he wa a highly sexual when we met and in past relationships says he used to have sex four times a day. But we haven’t had sex for three months now and before that it would be monthly. He even used to be an escort! I feel so insecure about it, he obviously just doesn’t want to have sex with me because he still wanks to porn. I said how we had a sexless relationship yesterday and he replied “there’s more to life than sex”. I don’t want a sexless life! If I were you I’d get out now before you have ties to them like I do.

Calandor · 04/11/2022 09:26

OKild09 · 04/11/2022 08:44

He's gay

Sigh this old gem. Some people just have lower sex drives it doesn't make them gay.

jc12689 · 04/11/2022 09:28

OKild09 · 04/11/2022 08:44

He's gay

Such a lazy comment

Dotjones · 04/11/2022 09:39

A lot of straight men aren't particularly interested in sex with women. The stereotype that all men care about is sex, sex and more sex isn't true anymore.

notmyrealmoniker · 04/11/2022 09:51

If you love him and feel committed to him try to get him to seek help for his mental health as it may just be a short lived thing. However it may be an indication of deeper issues that I would advise not to get into. Ensure good contraception so that you don't get tied to someone with deep seated problems. Only you can judge how you feel about him and his real character. MH issues often mask quite unpleasant characteristics in people that only emerge later on. Put a time limit on the relationship if you feel like carrying on.

SleeplessInEngland · 04/11/2022 09:54

If a woman doesn't want sex due to mental health it's fine.

If a man doesn't want sext due to mental health... LTB.

CapMarvel · 04/11/2022 09:56

If they've moved in then it's probably not a "new" relationship and if it's a recent thing then the OP probably doesn't want to just leave him as per the stock MN response.

Maybe, just maybe the guy does actually need a bit of support working through some issues and needs to get in touch with the GP in the first instance.

Olaf5 · 04/11/2022 09:56

As someone who ignored these red flags, please find someone you're better suited to.

I'm 15 years in, trapped by kids and finances, and it is honestly soul destroying. I still have a sex drive (only mid 30s), he just says there's more important things in life than sex.

Do not underestimate the damage being consistently rejected will do to yourself esteem and happiness.

AppleIsMyName · 04/11/2022 09:57

SleeplessInEngland · 04/11/2022 09:54

If a woman doesn't want sex due to mental health it's fine.

If a man doesn't want sext due to mental health... LTB.

Ahhhh the double standard eh

hellosunshineagainxxx · 04/11/2022 10:08

Honestly leave. Not having time is rubbish. Husband and I work opposite hours, have a three year old and I am pregnant but we still have sex at least once a week. We've been together 12 years

jiggleypuff · 04/11/2022 10:13

SleeplessInEngland · 04/11/2022 09:54

If a woman doesn't want sex due to mental health it's fine.

If a man doesn't want sext due to mental health... LTB.

They've just moved in together 4 months ago.

For OP to spend years trying to help his get his libido up would be madness.

And if you think the advice would be any different to a man who had just moved in with his girlfriend, then you're deluded.