Should I go to my friends wedding?

toweddingornot · 2022-11-03T15:10:40+00:00

NC as this is embarrassing! In a nut shell I made a tit of myself at my friends hen now I don't know if I should go to the wedding. I am friends with the bride since we were about 6. Not best friends but good friends. Got very close for a few years in late teens then drifted but still friends. We just live a good distance from each other. We both had babies this year so have been texting more than we had been in previous years. Hadn't seen each other since just before the 1st lock down. At her hen I got drunk so went back to the hotel very early. Nothing too bad in that. But I woke up and stupidly decided to go back out. I couldn't find them and ended up in the wrong club. Had a good time for myself with some random people. Then got lost trying to find the hotel and couldn't get a taxi. For some unknown reason I decided to call the brides soon to be SIL to come find me. She did, and knowing what I am like with drink in me I probably told her all my problems. All was fine the next morning but I knew I had messed up. Got a lift part way home with the bride and SIL and nothing was brought up. I texted the bride about 10 days later to apologise for my behaviour (I was to embarrassed to text before that). I know it doesn't excuse it but I don't really drink anymore and the events of that night show me why it doesn't suit me. I told her I am very sorry if I did anything to cause offense at her hen. She said she appreciated the apology but that she felt bad that SIL had to come and get me. I apologied again then 1 message from her re babies. I texted yesterday about babies and she had seen it but not replied. I'm guessing she is still pissed off with me, and I do get that, I was 100% in the wrong. I'm just not sure what to do, do I still go to the wedding? I want to go, but not if it will in any way make the bride uncomfortable to be around me. I might be over thinking things. She may be busy. YABU - Go to the wedding YANBU - Do not go to the wedding

PottyDottyDotPot · 03/11/2022 15:16

Ask her, explain you know you made a mess of the hen do and does she still want you there?

IntrovertedPenguin · 03/11/2022 15:17

I would make your excuses and not go. I think it's clear she's still pissed off with you.

Spicybananas · 03/11/2022 15:19

If she’s already paid for you to go then you’d probably piss her off even more by not going!

We all make tits of ourselves, it’s part of life. She’s probably just busy or forgot to reply. If she hasn’t specifically said not to go then I’d go.

PottyDottyDotPot · 03/11/2022 15:21

Have you apologised to the SIL as well.

KettrickenSmiled · 03/11/2022 15:22

YABU.

The bride-to-be is likely busy, & making an issue out of one drunken night of daftness is only going to underline the temporary blip. Your aim should be to return to normality asap.

Back off with the texting - I understand you want to give & receive reassurance - but the bride might interpret it as making everything all about you, in the run up to her wedding.

The bride has accepted your apology.
So for now - focus on rocking an excellent outfit to the wedding, bringing a thoughtful present & being a great guest. Do NOT refer to the hen night to bride, unless she references it directly to you.
With the bride's SiL at the wedding - cheery, bright & breezy, ask open ended questions about her & her loved ones/interests. And - when you judge it appropriate but while you are still 100% sober - a quick in-person apology & grateful thanks to her to coming to your rescue. Tell her you are being careful to not make a tit of yourself on bride's special day, & mean it. Don't get more than tipsy, & go out of your way to be a great guest, helpful but not overbearing.

This way, it will all blow over very quickly, & the wedding day will be all about the bride, & sod-all to do with an embarrassing faux pas on her hen.
If you stay away - you would be making HER day all about YOU.
So front it out, own it, & remember that everybody there is far more interested in having a good time & being a wellwisher than they are in one drunken women on one night. Millions of us have made arses of ourselves in similar ways. Don't let it cloud your view of yourself, or your friendships.

Cw112 · 03/11/2022 15:24

These things happen, you recognised it, and you took steps to apologise. I'd draw a line under it, go to the wedding and have a lovely time with her it will probably clear the air.

Winterfires · 03/11/2022 15:25

You’ll end the friendship if you do t turn up, you know that right? She replied to your apology message and if it was her MO to just ignore those she was pissed off with then she wouldn’t have. Go to the wedding, have a great time and apologise to SIL there if it comes up.

Mariposista · 03/11/2022 15:27

Spicybananas · 03/11/2022 15:19

If she’s already paid for you to go then you’d probably piss her off even more by not going!

We all make tits of ourselves, it’s part of life. She’s probably just busy or forgot to reply. If she hasn’t specifically said not to go then I’d go.

Agree with this.
Go, but make sure you don't drink and are on your absolute best behaviour all day.

GlassDeli · 03/11/2022 15:27

Apologise to the SIL by telephone and send them both some flowers. Then go to the wedding and be the most polite, helpful and charming guest.

AryaStarkWolf · 03/11/2022 15:29

Go to the wedding, don't drink, apologise to the SIL

Original poster

toweddingornot · 03/11/2022 15:33

KettrickenSmiled · 03/11/2022 15:22

YABU.

The bride-to-be is likely busy, & making an issue out of one drunken night of daftness is only going to underline the temporary blip. Your aim should be to return to normality asap.

Back off with the texting - I understand you want to give & receive reassurance - but the bride might interpret it as making everything all about you, in the run up to her wedding.

The bride has accepted your apology.
So for now - focus on rocking an excellent outfit to the wedding, bringing a thoughtful present & being a great guest. Do NOT refer to the hen night to bride, unless she references it directly to you.
With the bride's SiL at the wedding - cheery, bright & breezy, ask open ended questions about her & her loved ones/interests. And - when you judge it appropriate but while you are still 100% sober - a quick in-person apology & grateful thanks to her to coming to your rescue. Tell her you are being careful to not make a tit of yourself on bride's special day, & mean it. Don't get more than tipsy, & go out of your way to be a great guest, helpful but not overbearing.

This way, it will all blow over very quickly, & the wedding day will be all about the bride, & sod-all to do with an embarrassing faux pas on her hen.
If you stay away - you would be making HER day all about YOU.
So front it out, own it, & remember that everybody there is far more interested in having a good time & being a wellwisher than they are in one drunken women on one night. Millions of us have made arses of ourselves in similar ways. Don't let it cloud your view of yourself, or your friendships.

Thank you this is all great advice. I'll leave it be with the texts for now. I haven't been hounding her. The text yesterday was the 1st one since the apology.

You're right the other girls from school would wonder where I am. Also she will have paid for my meal by now.

In our circle we all give money but I do also have what I think is a sweet little gift to go along with it.

I'm not going to drink at the wedding at all, we aren't staying the night so I think I'll offer to do the driving.

OP posts:

user1471457751 · 03/11/2022 15:33

So because she hasn't responded to one message from you within a day you have decided she's really angry with you and you are now going to bail on her wedding? Have you considered that she might just be busy?

If she was going to let your crap behaviour on the hen ruin your friendship she would not have responded to your apology message. And really, if you can take 10 days to apologise for ruining the sil night out, and not even apologise to the sil herself, then I think you can give your friend more than 24 hours to respond to a message about babies.

Original poster

toweddingornot · 03/11/2022 15:39

user1471457751 · 03/11/2022 15:33

So because she hasn't responded to one message from you within a day you have decided she's really angry with you and you are now going to bail on her wedding? Have you considered that she might just be busy?

If she was going to let your crap behaviour on the hen ruin your friendship she would not have responded to your apology message. And really, if you can take 10 days to apologise for ruining the sil night out, and not even apologise to the sil herself, then I think you can give your friend more than 24 hours to respond to a message about babies.

True very very true. I think I am just way over thinking all of it. Outside of minding the baby I have very little going on in my life right now so I have a lot of time to over think things that I normally wouldn't have.

OP posts:

YellowTreeHouse · 03/11/2022 15:42

You are making her hen and wedding all about you. Stop texting her, drop it and move on.

JKGalbraith · 03/11/2022 15:44

Sounds like a good way to make her even more angry with you! She’ll have paid for your place and not invited someone else further down the list so she could invite you. Why haven’t you apologised to SIL directly?

viques · 03/11/2022 15:52

If you don’t go to the wedding you will forever be the ex friend who not only got shit arsed at the hen do and caused all kinds of ruckus , then topped off her awful behaviour by not even being bothered to turn up at the wedding .

Someone upthread said it well, go to the wedding, stay sober and at some point quietly and discreetly apologise to the SIL.

Eventually the drunken hen night will fade into a story to be retold at your expense for years to come.

Kitkatcatflap · 03/11/2022 15:59

Rest assured that in 3, 4, 5, years time you will be a hen night story, give it 10 and 20 percent added for drama you will be hen legend.

Pleasecreateausername13 · 03/11/2022 16:28

I’m really unsure as to why it was such a big deal that SIL had to come and get you?
It was a hen weekend, we all know they get messy. I’d have been happy to go and get one of the group party regardless of the time to make sure they got back okay.
Still not sure why they would be pissed off? Maybe that’s just me.

Hollywolly1 · 03/11/2022 16:33

You only asked the sil to come collect you and told her a few problems 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣 honestly I feel you are way over thinking it, you had a few drinks and had a good night with some randomers.
Just go to the wedding and you do not need to mention the hen night or apologise to anyone,I'm sure the sil is not that precious that she hasn't had to listen to someone with a few drinks on board before.If the sil brings it up at the wedding just laugh it off and thank her for collecting you or better still tell her you weren't sure if it was her or not🤣

AriettyHomily · 03/11/2022 17:06

Go, apologise, don't get smashed.

sunnydayhereandnow · 03/11/2022 17:56

Go, apologise to the SIL but don’t bring it up otherwise, and make an extra effort to be thoughtful.

BuildersTeaMaker · 03/11/2022 17:58

PottyDottyDotPot · 03/11/2022 15:16

Ask her, explain you know you made a mess of the hen do and does she still want you there?

This. Don’t guess. Just ask.it also shows you’re still very contrite

Americano75 · 03/11/2022 18:06

I've heard way worse.
She'll be up to her eyes in wedding prep.

Just go, have fun.

TastesLikeFlavourlessFizz · 03/11/2022 18:11

Pleasecreateausername13 · 03/11/2022 16:28

I’m really unsure as to why it was such a big deal that SIL had to come and get you?
It was a hen weekend, we all know they get messy. I’d have been happy to go and get one of the group party regardless of the time to make sure they got back okay.
Still not sure why they would be pissed off? Maybe that’s just me.

It’s not just you! I’m struggling to understand what the OP has even done.

In my world - which is fairly boring these days, might I add - we all love a good drunken story! Nobody would hold it against anyone if they got drunk and did some daft stuff. W

Unless you said or did something terrible that you haven’t mentioned here, OP, your friend would be a bit daft to fall out with you!

Whataretheodds · 03/11/2022 18:11

KettrickenSmiled · 03/11/2022 15:22

YABU.

The bride-to-be is likely busy, & making an issue out of one drunken night of daftness is only going to underline the temporary blip. Your aim should be to return to normality asap.

Back off with the texting - I understand you want to give & receive reassurance - but the bride might interpret it as making everything all about you, in the run up to her wedding.

The bride has accepted your apology.
So for now - focus on rocking an excellent outfit to the wedding, bringing a thoughtful present & being a great guest. Do NOT refer to the hen night to bride, unless she references it directly to you.
With the bride's SiL at the wedding - cheery, bright & breezy, ask open ended questions about her & her loved ones/interests. And - when you judge it appropriate but while you are still 100% sober - a quick in-person apology & grateful thanks to her to coming to your rescue. Tell her you are being careful to not make a tit of yourself on bride's special day, & mean it. Don't get more than tipsy, & go out of your way to be a great guest, helpful but not overbearing.

This way, it will all blow over very quickly, & the wedding day will be all about the bride, & sod-all to do with an embarrassing faux pas on her hen.
If you stay away - you would be making HER day all about YOU.
So front it out, own it, & remember that everybody there is far more interested in having a good time & being a wellwisher than they are in one drunken women on one night. Millions of us have made arses of ourselves in similar ways. Don't let it cloud your view of yourself, or your friendships.

This in spades, but i would also apologise to the bride's SIL and send her a card or something