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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to let child know they need to lose weight?

46 replies

Cheescake333 · 03/11/2022 08:40

Ds is 11 and at a guess around a stone overweight - he's bring teased and is self conscious.

We've always made an effort to never make a big deal of it, offer healthy food snacks and focus on being active and healthy not thin - but it's not working.

He's at the age where we cannot control all his food (secondary school so can pick lunch and plays out with friends and they go to the shop)

Is there a way to talk to him and help him make better choices without giving him a complex or make the situation worse.

For added info there's no scope to add more exercise in, he does several sports and approx 8-10 hours of intense sports a week.

Would be grateful for any advice as i don't want to get it wrong.

I do have a hectic day of work and visiting family so will read through the replies later

OP posts:
Bonatos · 03/11/2022 08:43

At 11 he's not far off starting puberty, he'll probably have a massive growth spurt soon and thin out. If his diet is good (which it seems to be) and you say he does plenty of exercise, I don't think you need to make a big deal of it at this point.

stealthninjamum · 03/11/2022 08:47

Op I would wait. When dd1 was in year six she was chubby and I was worried it would be a problem. I didn’t want to say anything, in lockdown she grew up and slimmed out - despite doing no exercise. She is now about my height and a small size 8 clothes and looks slim despite eating lots of crap on the way home from school which sadly I can’t control.

CaronPoivre · 03/11/2022 08:47

Sport is good.
Stop giving him money to go to shops with.
Monitor what he’s eating at school - it’s quite hard to stuff yourself stupid on the average school lunch. It might be pizza but it’s usually a slice not an extra large Domino’s.
Stop snack availability. Have three meals and nothing else except perhaps chopped vegetables like carrot sticks.
Don’t overdo messaging but make food less available. He might well just be about to spurt upwards and changing body shape, if he’s not always been heavy.
What are you and his father’s body shapes like? There is a genetic element and a fat family suggests the problem is not about him.

Livetoplay · 03/11/2022 08:52

Don’t tell him. Puberty is a weird thing and his body is adjusting.

just keep emphasising healthy eating, healthy choices.
he needs more sport or excercise, get rid of all ‘snacks’ like biscuits, crisps etc from home, water and milk only at home. Any ‘treats’ have to be gone and got. That helps because you can’t really control what he does outside of the house now.
I wouldn’t give him money for after school- he can choose what he wants in school but presumably that’s limited?

my DS has had his money/card taken away on school days - he can get what he wants in school which is charged to an acct but it limits him eating junk on way home. He’s not overweight as he plays sport every day almost but the dentist was worried about his teeth.

Afterfire · 03/11/2022 08:57

I wouldn’t say anything. It sounds like he’s already very active and as others say he’s likely to suddenly spring up due to puberty soon. At 11 and if he’s being teased he very likely already knows he’s overweight, he won’t need anyone else adding to the pile on. I’d just encourage healthy choices and be supportive. (My son aged 10 is also overweight- his is due to a combination of being off school with anxiety for a year, autism etc, it’s very hard).

PritiPatelsMaker · 03/11/2022 09:00

Second just waiting a little while. When my DS hit 11.5 he seemed to grow about 8 inches in no time.

Baldieheid · 03/11/2022 09:06

I'd say at 11 years old, he's likely going to grow a lot in the next few years. He may well stretch to fit his weight (or even outgrow it) very quickly.

hidingmyusername · 03/11/2022 09:06

I'd focus more on supporting him with strategies to deal with the name calling. He will get more of that at secondary and needs to be equipped to deal with it.

Sadly it's a fact of life. My DD life was changed radically for the better once I did role play and self esteem exercises with her at primary school. Bullying stopped and she's now a kick ass adult who takes no shit from anyone. 😬

He's likely to change body shape soon anyway. My DH was a fat little kid, and grew rapidly to a skinny 6 foot plus over a summer.

TestingTesting123456 · 03/11/2022 09:08

As someone who has suffered from eating disorders the forums are full of people with well meaning parents who commented on and tried to control their weight. It's an absolutely awful idea and you shouldn't do it. You say he's already self conscious so why on earth would you tell him he needs to lose weight.

What you should do is work on his self esteem and body acceptance and also his physical health. He should be active and eat a balanced diet because it's healthy mentally and physically - not to lose weight. Statistics show that diet or lifestyle changes implimented with the aim to lose weight tend to work short term but lead to a higher weight long term. They also have the added disadvantage of creating bad body image. This is particular true at his age where often the body wants to carry some extra fat before puberty to fuel growth and hormone changes.

If he does alot of sport you can focus on healthy eating which will enhance his performance in sport. Make sure he's up in time and eats a substantial breakfast with protein and fibre. Do not avoid carbs but choose complex carbs (porridge, wholemeal seeded bread etc). Obviously lots of fruit and vegetables. A good rule of thumb my dietician told me is that a dinner plate should be around 1/3 each of protein, carbs and veg. An ideal diet also includes some simple carbs so one medium desert a day is fine and avoids a restrictive mindset which can lead to binging.

cimena · 03/11/2022 09:09

If he’s fit and you’re not serving entire pizzas for tea every night, leave it. Either his body will change in puberty or it won’t. It’s a weird stage, learning how to feed yourself healthily while also starting to get a teenage appetites but it’s really important to let them figure it out themselves I think. Model healthy eating (not ‘weight loss’ eating) and keep up the sports.

YouCantBeSadHoldingACupcake · 03/11/2022 09:12

I agree with waiting. He sounds like he is getting plenty of exercise, and it's not uncommon for children to have a massive growth spurt, which will spread the weight out and make them slimmer (dd1 was slightly overweight near the end of year 6, but was short for her age. When she grew taller her weight evened out and she is right in the middle of the healthy weight range for her height)

Isthisexpected · 03/11/2022 09:13

I would control what he can buy by giving no money for snacks and if he's hungry giving him snacks you have bought already to take when he plays out.

spiderontheceiling · 03/11/2022 09:14

Is he Yr7 or Yr6? If Yr7, I might ask the school when they talk about nutrition in PSHE and the you can build off that. My DD's attitude to food has changed significantly since being taught about nutrition rather than having me going on about it!

Tandora · 03/11/2022 09:15

TestingTesting123456 · 03/11/2022 09:08

As someone who has suffered from eating disorders the forums are full of people with well meaning parents who commented on and tried to control their weight. It's an absolutely awful idea and you shouldn't do it. You say he's already self conscious so why on earth would you tell him he needs to lose weight.

What you should do is work on his self esteem and body acceptance and also his physical health. He should be active and eat a balanced diet because it's healthy mentally and physically - not to lose weight. Statistics show that diet or lifestyle changes implimented with the aim to lose weight tend to work short term but lead to a higher weight long term. They also have the added disadvantage of creating bad body image. This is particular true at his age where often the body wants to carry some extra fat before puberty to fuel growth and hormone changes.

If he does alot of sport you can focus on healthy eating which will enhance his performance in sport. Make sure he's up in time and eats a substantial breakfast with protein and fibre. Do not avoid carbs but choose complex carbs (porridge, wholemeal seeded bread etc). Obviously lots of fruit and vegetables. A good rule of thumb my dietician told me is that a dinner plate should be around 1/3 each of protein, carbs and veg. An ideal diet also includes some simple carbs so one medium desert a day is fine and avoids a restrictive mindset which can lead to binging.

BrilliNt advice

BeanieTeen · 03/11/2022 09:16

We've always made an effort to never make a big deal of it, offer healthy food snacks and focus on being active and healthy not thin - but it's not working.

Then go to your GP. Makes little sense that he’s overweight for no reason. Presumably at 11 he’s only just started secondary school so his weight didn’t just massively increase within the last month or so? Sounds like this has been a problem for a while.
I’m not sure how telling him he’s overweight is going to help in this situation - you want him to take control of the situation despite you not being able to? Seems very unfair to pass the buck to him in that way.

Quitelikeit · 03/11/2022 09:18

I wouldn’t do anything at his age he is probably due a growth spurt

if you believe he is eating a similar amount to everyone else his age just leave it for now

MoreTeaLessCoffee · 03/11/2022 09:19

I'm another one who has massive food issues because my mum made a big deal of weight and "bad" food, I became a secret binger and still struggle 30 years on. So tread very carefully. I wouldn't mention weight loss to an 11 year old, definitely not.

Do you know what he's actually eating outside the home? Is it that he's eating lots of junk or just big portions?

Forzatesoro · 03/11/2022 09:20

TestingTesting123456 · 03/11/2022 09:08

As someone who has suffered from eating disorders the forums are full of people with well meaning parents who commented on and tried to control their weight. It's an absolutely awful idea and you shouldn't do it. You say he's already self conscious so why on earth would you tell him he needs to lose weight.

What you should do is work on his self esteem and body acceptance and also his physical health. He should be active and eat a balanced diet because it's healthy mentally and physically - not to lose weight. Statistics show that diet or lifestyle changes implimented with the aim to lose weight tend to work short term but lead to a higher weight long term. They also have the added disadvantage of creating bad body image. This is particular true at his age where often the body wants to carry some extra fat before puberty to fuel growth and hormone changes.

If he does alot of sport you can focus on healthy eating which will enhance his performance in sport. Make sure he's up in time and eats a substantial breakfast with protein and fibre. Do not avoid carbs but choose complex carbs (porridge, wholemeal seeded bread etc). Obviously lots of fruit and vegetables. A good rule of thumb my dietician told me is that a dinner plate should be around 1/3 each of protein, carbs and veg. An ideal diet also includes some simple carbs so one medium desert a day is fine and avoids a restrictive mindset which can lead to binging.

I've taken a similar approach with my son. He is overweight and I know it gets him down.
In my teens I was told I'd attract the boys if I lost weight, I'd such a pretty face. I was promised new clothes if I lost weight.
I still get told (as a pretty overweight divorcee) that men are visual and inferring that I'll struggle to date.

My confidence is shattered in that regard and although it was a long time ago, my husband had a similar attitude towards me.

My son plays rugby several times a week and yes his diet could be better. I take responsibility for that. We talk about his stamina for sport, what that means to him and how he can do little things to help along the way

I would hate for him to continue suffering as o have because it's heartbreaking

TradedAtlanta · 03/11/2022 09:21

I will never forget that chat with my mum, sitting on the stairs. I was probably a bit younger than your DS. It did absolutely nothing to help me lose weight but made me feel so ashamed of my body. Despite being a healthy weight since around 18 (can't say I got there in a healthy manner) I cannot imagine ever feeling comfortable in my own skin. I really believe it is parents' responsibility to provide healthy food and opportunities for exercise and to model a healthy diet. Get rid of the snack cupboard if you have it and let puberty stretch him out.

OrangePumpkinLobelia · 03/11/2022 09:27

MoreTeaLessCoffee · 03/11/2022 09:19

I'm another one who has massive food issues because my mum made a big deal of weight and "bad" food, I became a secret binger and still struggle 30 years on. So tread very carefully. I wouldn't mention weight loss to an 11 year old, definitely not.

Do you know what he's actually eating outside the home? Is it that he's eating lots of junk or just big portions?

Ditto. Secret binger and bulimic here as well and even now at just shy of 50 I have never managed to overcome my emotional issues around food.

he's about toh hit puberty and he does alot of intense exercise. I'd leave it for now and if he is into sports and it is still an issue in a few years see a sports dietician with the focus on optimal nutrition without judgement.

Livetoplay · 03/11/2022 11:48

We take the ‘food is fuel’ approach with our kids. They have to eat breakfast and regularly to fuel their body, and some foods are better for energy than others,some foods are better for vitamins than others some foods are better to help you grow than others.
your DS is likely to have a growth spurt soon anyway…

KittiesInsane · 03/11/2022 11:57

TradedAtlanta · 03/11/2022 09:21

I will never forget that chat with my mum, sitting on the stairs. I was probably a bit younger than your DS. It did absolutely nothing to help me lose weight but made me feel so ashamed of my body. Despite being a healthy weight since around 18 (can't say I got there in a healthy manner) I cannot imagine ever feeling comfortable in my own skin. I really believe it is parents' responsibility to provide healthy food and opportunities for exercise and to model a healthy diet. Get rid of the snack cupboard if you have it and let puberty stretch him out.

I'm not sure there is an easy answer. We were careful not to mention our concerns to DD, but she says that so many other kids commented that she just thought we must be a bit unobservant.

For her, as a young adult, more protein and a slightly worrying exercise addiction works for now -- and being in charge of her own nutrition. It didn't help that one of her sibs is/was very underweight so the emphasis in the home had long been in the other direction. I suspect that this is two sides of the same coin.

Tigofigo · 03/11/2022 12:01

My siblings and we're slim, then ALL became overweight around the same age (late teens). We are all good healthy weights now and have been since our mid/late 20s.

Chattycathydoll · 03/11/2022 12:04

Focus on what his body can do, not what it looks like. I got chubby around 11ish, looked like a podgy little kid then puberty hit age 13. All the puppy fat went, and despite exercising less was definitely a skinny teenager.

The focus on how I looked rather than what my body was actually doing lasted though. I developed anorexia late teens but refused to exercise in case the muscles made me look bulky. I wish I’d focussed more on what I could do rather than how I looked.

PineappleWilson · 03/11/2022 12:11

I agree with focusing on healthy food choices to fuel his body doing sport. Don't buy fizzy drinks, if you do have them, and suggest things like protein heavy snacks.

How does he get to school - could he walk, for example, as a way of adding in "unseen" extra exercise, or be dropped off a little further away.

I agree with the "he'll grow" thing, but if others are commenting it'll affect his self esteem so anything you can do to up his movement would be good.