AIBU to let child know they need to lose weight?

[Cheescake333]

Ds is 11 and at a guess around a stone overweight - he's bring teased and is self conscious.

We've always made an effort to never make a big deal of it, offer healthy food snacks and focus on being active and healthy not thin - but it's not working.

He's at the age where we cannot control all his food (secondary school so can pick lunch and plays out with friends and they go to the shop)

Is there a way to talk to him and help him make better choices without giving him a complex or make the situation worse.

For added info there's no scope to add more exercise in, he does several sports and approx 8-10 hours of intense sports a week.

Would be grateful for any advice as i don't want to get it wrong.

I do have a hectic day of work and visiting family so will read through the replies later

Please don’t say anything.

Thank you for all the advice so far - managed to read some quickly in between visits!

To address a few points he's always been a little bigger but lockdown and more freedom have made it more noticeable.

We were both very slim children, husband slim adult, me not so much but we're very active and eat well.

It wasn't so much as passing the buck so much as someone mentioned, just more are we being too soft with our approach now he's older and can make his own choices. General consensus though is to try and keep giving healthy options and waiting for a growth spurt! Will also look at how we can gently envourage better decisions when he's with friends.

I love the fuel as food idea so thank you for that!

What exercise is he doing? I would focus on that more than what he’s eating. Being fit and active is way more important to all round health and mental well-being than anything he eats.

I know most won’t agree but I’d tell him, along the lines of if you eat too much rubbish food you’ll get fat. Matter of fact and in a kind way, same as I’m sure you tell him if he doesn’t brush his teeth he’ll get decay or if he doesn’t wash he’ll smell etc.

I’m a healthy weight and have a good attitude towards food. One of the best things my mum did for me was to say if I eat too much unhealthy food then I’ll get fat! It’s true.

We’ve got a huge problem in general with so many children and adults at an unhealthy weight. People seem afraid to tell their kids the truth that eating too much will make them fat and unhealthy. Obviously it shouldn’t be done in a body shaming way, just very matter of fact. I think if you grow up knowing this, it naturally leads to better awareness and food choices.

This^^ if his lifestyle and diet are healthy and he's getting enough exercise then at that age I wouldn't worry and I wouldn't be speaking to him about it other than trying to promote his body confidence and how there are loads of different body types and shapes all of which are equally deserving of respect. I'd be more keen to address that kids are teasing him than trying to change him in the expectation that they'll stop. If it's bullying they'll just move on to something else to taunt him about so I'd be keeping a close eye on that.

He’ll grow. My ds was tubby at 12. At 14 he was 6ft 2 and l couldn’t get 26” waist school trousers.

Dd was chubby from 7-15. I was concerned but never said anything. She’s 5ft 10 now and slim and lovely.

Leave well alone. We’re so obsessed with weight in this country. He’ll grow.

My ds shot up in height in year 7. Your sons body is growing, he does lots of exercise and eats well at home so try not to label him as overweight just yet.
My mother gave me such an awful attitude towards food, I struggled with eating normally. Food was a battle that I carried into adulthood. The sad thing was was that I’ve never been overweight.

We've always made an effort to never make a big deal of it, offer healthy food snacks and focus on being active and healthy not thin - but it's not working.

I've been there. This was DS2 at 11. We are a slim family, neither DH nor I have ever had to watch what we eat and DS1was always trying to gain weight despite enormous appetite.
It became obvious that DS2 was getting chubby by eating the same as his skinny brother, and I skirted around it like you, talking about healthy choices. Something happened that made me realise that he was terribly concious of his weight but didn't know how to admit it.
I had a long talk with him and it was the best decision. He was so relieved to have the problem acknowledged. We drew up some plans for changing his habits gently.
Puberty did it's job eventually but as an adult he is still inclined to carry more weight around his middle. His sibling at 26 is still trying to gain weight.

My message is don't ignore it. He knows about it. Acknowledge it and talk openly. He is 11 and old enough to understand.

Just to add that the aim is to maintain weight until puberty rather than to lose it.
Most boys do shoot up and become thinner at puberty but it doesn't last for life whereas good habits do.

I wouldn’t say or do anything at this stage, that includes not limiting snacks etc. it’s such a hard age.

My sister was slightly overweight at that age but over the summer between year7 / going into year 8 she slimmed down without even trying. Puberty and sleeping in til 12 then out with friends alll day the weight just fell off. He is doing a lot of sport which is great so I’d leave him to it for now

Think about it this way. Would you tell an 11 yr old girl that's she's fat and needs to lose weight? If not, don't tell your son. You'll cause so much damage.

Just because your husband and yourself were skinny kids doesn't mean that the genetics are exact for your son. Did you never have an awkward phase as a kid? You'll create masses of issues

Absolutely do not say anything.

Carry on as you are with healthy snacks and the opportunities for lots of physical exercise he enjoys. His body is going to change so much over the next few years, please do not add 'diet culture' to the list of things he should worry about

tbh, most the parents I've known of fat kids seemed to be in total denial about it, or unaware that they could do anything to influence their child's size. They said things like "Oh he's just big like his dad" (I met dad, he wasn't even plump). or "She's 8 but I have to buy her size 12 trousers and get them shortened" and leave it there. A) what was I supposed to do with that information & B) this fact was just accepted as normal clothing decisions. "We don't want her to get big like her mother... so we decided to stop walking places & drive everywhere instead." I mean, do what you like, but why can't you see the connection to your expanding child & the not walking anywhere any more.

Of course fat kids need clothing but they might show at least some surprise that their short 13 yr old needs a size 42" top.

Oh well. I would be adverse to pretending there wasn't a problem developing. I can't do it. Good luck to you OP, whatever you do.

Speaking as someone who was in the same boat, but who encouraged her slightly chubby 11 y/o DS to 'get fit' by doing fitness DVDs...yes yes I know, we very rapidly slid into the terrifying world of anorexia which we are still in. Don't say anything, his body is fit and healthy and he will grow tall and strong and any puppy fat will dissipate.

Unless he's significantly sedentary/hugely overweight then I'd leave it at this age. 11 is puberty age for many kids and if not will be soon, he is likely to shoot up and thin out. If it's the same picture at 13 or so then yes maybe.

It's obviously still worth having healthy habits at home and encouraging food awareness/ongoing exercise which you say you are.

Please don't say anything to him OP. It sounds like he has a great amount of excercise in his daily life already. Give him time to grow!

I was that kid once. Made to excercise and had "treats" hidden from me. It didn't make me lose weight... it made me put it on tenfolds. I have had such a bad relationship with food since those days and when I look back on photos of me at that age there was never anything wrong with me.

I would love to know more about the role play and self esteem exercises that you did. Would you be able to share some more info?

My son was rather short and stout at 12 then he shot up over the space of a year and a half he shot up and became tall and slim.

Thanks again everyone - some really great supportive advice which aligns with my gut instinct to not say much but to also look at areas we could improve.

I think the hardest part for me is whilst i'm prepared to limit/reduce treat snacks further, reduce spending money for when he's out etc with friends he's old enough that i can't do this without an explanation. It was easier when he was little and we had control but just part of growing up.

I'm training for a marathon so may use this as a good talking point around making a few subtle changes to our food so that we're all fueling ourselves better for the amoubt of activities we're doing.

Once again thank you for the advice, really eye opening to hear people's experiences as children and the effects later in life.

No.

He is due a good stretch soon.

Reduce portions by a tiny piece on each meal and you'll see a difference.

You don't need to mention his weight, tell him he's wasting too much money on junk food and stop giving him money to spend on it with his mates. At school he's probably not getting a great meal but it certainly shouldn't be making him over weight so the problem must be you giving him too much money to waste at the shops IMO.