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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My SIL's problems affecting me in my home

40 replies

Hazeleyez · 03/11/2022 01:17

Quick background first:
DH, me and our kids live next to an elderly couple for the past 8 years. My younger brother came to visit us 6 years ago and we held a BBQ & invited elderly couple next door. Their daughter was home for the weekend and we invited her too. She hit it off with my brother that evening and they've been together ever since. They got married 3 years ago and have twins, age 4.

SIL fell out with her parents around the time the twins were born and refuses to visit us, saying she's "not wanting to drive past her parents house" and "not wanting to have to be in the area". My brother seems to support her in this, which is very disappointing because he then won't visit us either.

It is my DH's birthday (a big roundy one) before Christmas and I'm throwing a party for him. I'm inviting my brother and SIL and I know they'll decline. I'm also asking next door, her parents.

Basically I'm being forced to choose between having my next door neighbours and my brother at my party, all because of SIL. She hasn't outright said it, but that's pretty much what's going on. I can't have my own brother to my own house coz of a feud she's having with her parents.

AIBU?

OP posts:
WhenTheMusicFinallyStops · 03/11/2022 01:20

I'd invite your brother and sil, not your neighbours. Is the party at a venue or in your home?
I think I'd like to have a relationship with my brother and his kids.

Pallisers · 03/11/2022 01:28

I'd invite my BIL and SIL and tell them I am not inviting my neighbours -who let's face it are just neighbours - you don't actually need to invite them to your party.

I've never encountered someone who would chose a neighbour over her bil and sil all things being equal. Have you ever asked yourself why your sil might not want to see her parents? Have you ever thought about why your brother might support her in this? Have you ever thought that they might know more about this situation than you do?

You are not being forced to do anything. You are being told that your brother's wife does not want to meet her parents - who are nothing to you - in your home/party/whatever - and you are treating this like a hostile thing.

Don't you want to see your brother and his wife and children? Don't you value them more than your neighbours?

I think I've read a very similar post quite recently.

JKGalbraith · 03/11/2022 01:28

Why would you choose your neighbours over your brother?!

Original poster
Hazeleyez · 03/11/2022 01:29

Party is in our home. While I appreciate your reply, even if I asked her and my brother, she'd probably say no. She apparently "doesn't like being in such close proximity to her parents house" by being at mine!

OP posts:
Original poster
Hazeleyez · 03/11/2022 01:31

JKGalbraith · 03/11/2022 01:28

Why would you choose your neighbours over your brother?!

It isn't a case of choosing one over the other - it is a case of who I have to see on a daily basis. I haven't fallen out with SIL.

OP posts:
Pallisers · 03/11/2022 01:37

Well it kind of is a choice isn't it. You are choosing those "who you have to see on a daily basis" over your family. If you move or your neighbours move how will that work out?

And let's face it how often do we have to see our neighbours? Like seriously how much interaction do you really have? I love mine and outside snow storms or deaths in the family we interact once a week at most- so seriously? If that "hello" as you put the bins out is not as important as your brother and his wife and children - well that's your answer. Those are your priorities.

Have you ever asked them about the rift?

Again, I feel like I've heard this before.

FurAndFeathers · 03/11/2022 01:38

Hazeleyez · 03/11/2022 01:29

Party is in our home. While I appreciate your reply, even if I asked her and my brother, she'd probably say no. She apparently "doesn't like being in such close proximity to her parents house" by being at mine!

Might be a radical idea but why don’t you actually have a conversation with your DB and SIL and ask if they’ll come, before creating a problem that you don’t yet know will exist?

FurAndFeathers · 03/11/2022 01:39

Pallisers · 03/11/2022 01:37

Well it kind of is a choice isn't it. You are choosing those "who you have to see on a daily basis" over your family. If you move or your neighbours move how will that work out?

And let's face it how often do we have to see our neighbours? Like seriously how much interaction do you really have? I love mine and outside snow storms or deaths in the family we interact once a week at most- so seriously? If that "hello" as you put the bins out is not as important as your brother and his wife and children - well that's your answer. Those are your priorities.

Have you ever asked them about the rift?

Again, I feel like I've heard this before.

Yep almost identical scenario in a thread a few months ago

WhatHappenedToYoyos · 03/11/2022 01:42

If it was the other shoe and you had fallen out with your parents, who lived next door to your brother and SIL, I'm assuming you'd want your DH to support you in the matter and not undermine you by visiting your parents. Perhaps your SIL is worried that her parents may just knock the door to come round (clearly you are all close since their grandchildren are your niece/nephews) and she doesn't want them to see the DCs for whatever reason.

Be proud of your brother for sticking up for his wife. Visit them at their house, plan days out to do together that suit the 4yos and over time maybe the rift between SIL and her parents will get resolved.

Also, you can't invite the neighbours to your party over your own brother and his wife! Do it elsewhere or accept they won't come. Make it clear to your brother you'll be sad if he doesn't attend this one occasion but you understand if SIL won't come and you're not inviting SILs parents. That shows you're being very supportive of your family.

ittakes2 · 03/11/2022 01:48

ask your brother let them say no then ask your neighbours

BatshitBanshee · 03/11/2022 01:59

Yeah... I'm going to go with family over neighbour, every time. Especially when it's a family party.

I think you're largely trying to create a bigger issue out of something that really doesn't have to involve you because you want to be involved.

In any case I do hope this thread gives you the attention you so obviously crave.

LunaLights · 03/11/2022 02:02

I think if you search older threads, OP, you’ll find some good information on a thread with a very, very similar issue.

Good luck

MysteryBelle · 03/11/2022 02:06

No wonder your sil and brother don’t want to see you, at your house or anywhere else. She may have a very good reason, or not, for why she doesn’t want to see her parents, you have no idea and you’re not even curious, and here you are catering to them, what does that tell her, op? When she sees you insisting on inviting them, after you’ve been told they are no longer speaking, how do you think that looks to her? At least find out why the separation, then you can judge.

You are like the sil from hell, that’s how you come across.

OriginalUsername2 · 03/11/2022 02:10

You sound very eye-rolling about the whole thing.

I’m NC with my family and going to the same town they’re in sets of my fight or flight response because of the chance I could bump into them and have an upsetting encounter when I’m unprepared.

You should assume they’re are upsetting things you don’t know about and respect her feelings.

BadNomad · 03/11/2022 02:20

This sounds similar to another story on here a while ago. The OP invited her neighbours across the street to Christmas dinner knowing her SIL was NC with them and was upset that SIL was upset at her. Is this you? It is what it is. Your SIL has every right to go NC with her parents, and your brother is right to support her. Why can't you spend time with your brother and his family elsewhere?

Teddeh · 03/11/2022 02:40

If she's uncomfortable driving by her parents' house or being in the area, it sounds like more than a "falling out". I wouldn't assume your SIL is being petty, especially if she and your brother normally seem reasonable. I don't want to armchair-diagnose but the quotes in your original post sound as if there might be some kind of trauma involved? It appears she wouldn't go to a party at your house anyway, even if she knew for sure her parents were not coming. If that's the case then there's a not a lot you can do; she may continue to have an aversion to the area even if the parents moved away.

You could ask your brother if he'll come alone but he may not wish to. If you want a relationship, you'll probably have to see them at their house, at another family member's house, or on a day out, at a restaurant, etc.

LankylegsFromOz · 03/11/2022 02:47

OP you're going to get your arse handed to you, like it was the last time you posted about this.

YABU.

Trez1510 · 03/11/2022 02:59

The very fact your brother supports his wife in this decision tells me quite a lot.

It appears to tell other posters rather a lot too.

For whatever reason the visceral nature of her need to avoid that area seems to escape you.

Others have given good advice on how to maintain your relationship with your brother without you having to either clutch your pearls and/or eye-roll at how inconvenient it is for you that your brother has married a woman he clearly loves and respects.

pinheadlarry · 03/11/2022 03:02

Your brother needs to bring his kids to visit you by himself ..

Your SIL is causing issues in your family just because shes not on good terms with her own parents and thats not right

I dont understand why shes dictating who sees who and who is allowed to be invited where , she sounds toxic

Commenters are saying that OP chose the neighbors over the brother but the SIL probably wouldnt come anyway because she doesnt even want to drive next to her parents house..

TheOnlyBeeInYourBonnet · 03/11/2022 03:02

She probably has very good reasons for not wanting to be around her parents. You seem pretty keen to make this all about you, it really isn't.

Glitteratitar · 03/11/2022 03:46

Haven’t you posted about this before? And was found to be YABU as your SIL’s reasons for going NC with her family were serious and justifiable yet you continued to prioritise your neighbours over your own brother…?

Why are you posting again? Hoping for a different response?

PortalooSunset · 03/11/2022 04:43

Hazeleyez · 03/11/2022 01:31

It isn't a case of choosing one over the other - it is a case of who I have to see on a daily basis. I haven't fallen out with SIL.

Show quote history

"I haven't fallen out with sil"

And yet you're likely to do so by inviting her parents over her and your own brother.

LAMPS1 · 03/11/2022 04:47

Have the party at a venue/restaurant out of your area and reassure SIL you won’t be inviting your neighbours.

rwalker · 03/11/2022 04:51

id invite everyone and it’s up to them who comes
don’t get dragged into other peoples shit

Mummieslncorporated · 03/11/2022 04:53

Basically I'm being forced to choose between having my next door neighbours and my brother at my party, all because of SIL

No you aren't. You are inviting both. You are not choosing anything. Your SIL may well decline the invitation. That's entirely her choice. I'm sure she has her reasons. For example, maybe she knows that, despite her being NC with her parents, you are likely to invite them to yours while she is there.

That's a valid reason to decline an invitation imo.