My SIL's problems affecting me in my home

[Hazeleyez]

Quick background first:
DH, me and our kids live next to an elderly couple for the past 8 years. My younger brother came to visit us 6 years ago and we held a BBQ & invited elderly couple next door. Their daughter was home for the weekend and we invited her too. She hit it off with my brother that evening and they've been together ever since. They got married 3 years ago and have twins, age 4.

SIL fell out with her parents around the time the twins were born and refuses to visit us, saying she's "not wanting to drive past her parents house" and "not wanting to have to be in the area". My brother seems to support her in this, which is very disappointing because he then won't visit us either.

It is my DH's birthday (a big roundy one) before Christmas and I'm throwing a party for him. I'm inviting my brother and SIL and I know they'll decline. I'm also asking next door, her parents.

Basically I'm being forced to choose between having my next door neighbours and my brother at my party, all because of SIL. She hasn't outright said it, but that's pretty much what's going on. I can't have my own brother to my own house coz of a feud she's having with her parents.

AIBU?

Someone failed somewhere! This is the exact same posting from months ago. Either its a troll or someone from HQ is not happy with user engagement!

I think being upset with people for not coming to a party that has guests they are so upset with they are non-contact is a bit unreasonable. I mean, obviously it’s a annoying when things don’t go perfectly, but other people’s relationships don’t simply cease to exist because you’re having a party.

But the not visiting your house at all simply because it’s next door to her parents seems somewhat unreasonable. I guess I could see a few things as serious enough to warrant such an extreme reaction but they’d have to be serious in the sense of serious crime or trauma caused. The big caveat to that would be if you ever talk to your neighbours about your DB and her - in that case I can see why she’d limit contact to that extent.

What seems most unreasonable is that your DB won’t come to see you without her. He’s the one you want to see and whether he visits you or not is his choice. Stop blaming her, and work on your relationship with him.

Sorry but I think that this isn’t really about you. It’s very painful to fall out with family. I can understand why she doesn’t want to be next door to them! Just have the party, if they don’t come, never mind?

What is SILs reason for being NC? And is she a reasonable person the rest of the time? Seeing neighbours occasionally will very seldom give a full picture and if SIL has justifiable reason to be NC, and honestly even if she’s being a bit petty, I really can’t fathom why you would choose your neighbours to come tbh.

Surely what matters most in all of this is for your brother to attend his dads birthday. Speak to him about if he would be willing to come solo if neighbours did or didn’t come or if he has other solutions so your dad doesn’t miss out on him being there. It might be a conversation about where it takes place- could your brother afford to help with cost because of bring the reason that may be required?

Prioritse your brother and his children every time

Do not have the party at your home

Book a cheap venue and have the party there and invite SIL your brother and their children and not your neighbours

Always prioritise your brother and his children

Going forwards, organise to see brother SIL and children at their home or at a restaurant, coffee shop or somewhere else neutral regularly

Do not prioritise your neighbours, but still see them if you want to, when brother etc are not around

You appear to have no idea why SIL and brother have fallen out with her parents. And yet you are choosing her parents over your brother by insisting that her parents attend the party. Have the party elsewhere. Prioritise your brother

I am NC with my parents. It’s been extremely painful and difficult and I for sure wouldn’t go near where they live any more and my DH would support me in this because he knows what has happened. I think it’s difficult to understand if you have a normal relationship with your own parents (even if it’s strained or not perfect) what it’s like to have to go NC with your parents but I would trust your brother and his wife’s judgement on this

This! I remember a very similar thread.

How much do you love your brother? If it were me I would hire a room or hall for the party somewhere else and invite my brother and SIL. You could always have the neighbours round for a celebratory drink on another day.

It would be polite to invite your brother first, if they decline invite the parents. Not much you can do about it if the SIL doesn’t want to be near her parents house

Move house.

Have the celebration, out somewhere don’t invite neighbours!
simple

Did you post about this before?. I'm sure I've read this exact same scenario around Christmas?. Anyway if you know she'll decline then ask them 1st. One they give you the answer go ahead & invite the neighbours

I’m sure it’s all sorted now considering this thread is from last November

Oh shit to much wine. That's why it seemed so familiar 🥴