AIBU to think it’s rude to never reply to messages

[Ilovewinter]

Hi! I’m new here, I’m sure lots of people have had this issue. But lately it’s really bothering me.

AIBU to think it’s so rude when you message someone who CONSTANTLY has their phone & they read the message but never reply & if they do it’s like days/weeks later.

Bit of context but I text my brothers girlfriend to see if I can have my nephew only for a couple of hours every few weeks, usually between 2pm until 5pm, my 5 year old daughter adores him so she is always asking if we can see him & she is very very loving & gentle with him.

I totally understand parenthood is busy but my brothers girlfriend is actually not busy at all & I’ll say to her “If the baby isn’t busy do you fancy a break for a couple of hours & I’ll have him”

thing is she just doesn’t reply full stop. Completely ignores me. She’s let me mind the baby in the past but I’d usually have to go through my brother or she’d let me as a last resort. I can’t understand why as we’re mates too & she knows me inside & out. I treat my nephew like I do my own when he’s in my care.

Id prefer her to just say “No I don’t want you to mind him” instead of completely ignoring me. I find it so so rude when I know she’s always on her phone. It makes me feel a bit sad. Of course he’s her child she gets the say but it would be nice to just get a flimsy reply even if it’s a no.

sorry about harping on. Maybe this is the wrong thread. I’m not sure how to use this. I’m sure it’s really not that deep either. X

I’d take it that she doesn’t want you to. Can you not pop round or invite her for a coffee

@FLOWER1982 yeah I’m getting that impression myself. I’ve offered her to come for walks or a coffee & she says she will but never does.

she is like this with everyone, never replies. But then when she wants me to have her she will ring me & ask so I’m a bit confused. Or maybe I’m reading too much into it. I’ll definitely back off. Just a shame as I love my nephew. Thanks for replying.

I agree with pp. Also, it's a possibility she may be offended that she's clearly not invited (speaking from experience but I still replied) If it's that she just doesn't want you too maybe she's worried about some sort of confrontation so ends up not responding.

Sorry him**

@Phoenix76 I have asked her if she’d like to come for tea, have coffee & go out but she agrees then it never happens. Unfortunately I think she just doesn’t want me to see the baby only on her times. I respect that as she’s the mum.

She's just a nob. I've let a couple of "friends" go recently like this. Two I blocked and one I have kept on as I know they will get in touch in a few months when it suits them cos they will get lonely (they don't have many friends), after not replying to me for weeks. The next time I see them I want to be pregnant/have a baby cos they made a dickhead comment like "don't you worry about leaving it too late, things are more likely to go wrong?". I'm just 34, at the time I was 33. They have said other stuff too. Can't wait to rub it in their face.

I don’t understand why you don’t ask your brother first? And when you say “She’s let me mind the baby in the past but I’d usually have to go through my brother” as though you shouldn’t have to do that?

Maybe she’s feeling pressured of having all decisions being directed via her.

Also even though she’s always on her phone she might not be on messages/whatsapp. I have notifications turned off for my whatsapp because sometimes it’s overwhelming all the messages that come through and to switch off I play games on my phone (or scroll mumsnet) so it’ll look like I’m always on my phone but I’m not messaging etc.

@Wherehasthecommonsensegone I’ve left quite a bit of context out but the reason I don’t ask my brother usually, is because when I did in the past he’d say “I’ll have to ask her first” or “Text her as she’s the one who gets the say on who can have the baby”

in other words my brother doesn’t get an opinion on who can mind the baby it’s ultimately her decision & if that works for them then that’s fine, I try not to judge. That’s why I text her.

@WednesdaysChild11 they don’t sound like decent friends, bloody hell. Better off without them :)

Yup. Rudeness really triggers me 😂 @Ilovewinter I've only kept the other one in cos they've really got under my skin, I know I shouldn't let them get to me. But I can't wait to meet for a drink and bring my baby with me hopefully one day. They won't feel so smart then will they.

@WednesdaysChild11

Well, you're a charmer, aren't you?

How old is your nephew? She may suffer with separation anxiety which is very common and doesn't feel comfortable leaving him with anyone yet especially if he's a young baby. If that's the case I wouldn't keep hassling her and asking all the time as it will get very annoying. She knows you'd like to have him, if she wants you to she will ask you.

@jelllycats nearly one, oh I definitely don’t ask a lot as I completely understand what separation anxiety is like with my own two children so I’d never push to have him.

I ask once 6/8 weeks if that & she always says you can have him anytime when I have minded him in the past. Anyway he’s her son so I suppose I’m in no position to persuade her. I just think it’s rude she doesn’t even acknowledge me. Even if it’s a no. Just acknowledge me

This is a person who thinks it's a risk to get pregnant past 34. Trust me they're a nob.

Its just plain old rudeness! My SIL is glued to her phone 24/7 but will just completely ignore messages and then pretend she hasn't seen it if i say anything!! It really grinds my gears!

I could have written your post! I used to be friends with my SIL but after years of being ignored and only spoken to when she wants something, I've let her go

@bloodyplanes I am glad someone else agrees. I thought it was just me overthinking it 😥

It is rude.
I always reply to family within a reasonable time frame.

@TobySpaniel my SIL does exactly the same! The only time i hear from her is when she wants something ( usually a lift somewhere) or a babysitter!

I’m like your brothers girlfriend 😳 I feel a bit mortified by this thread because it could be about me!

I have ADHD and anxiety and sometimes replying to messages just feels like a bit … much? Especially if it’s a message with something or arrange/organise or a schedule to figure out (so like someone asking to do something). I’m often in the middle of something - I work full time and have kids so am often a bit flustered anyway - and the idea of replying just feels a bit overwhelming or I think I don’t have time to reply properly so I’ll just ‘leave it until later’ with the idea that I’ll sit down and reply properly when I have time. It’s not a conscious decision to ignore them, far from it. I have every intention to reply. Just… later. When I have time and some head space. But then that time never comes, and then I remember I need to reply but by this point I’ve left it too late for it not to be awkward and my anxiety kicks in and I know I’ll have to write some embarrassing apology for replying so late and I just can’t deal with it right now so I put that off until later too. Sometimes I pull myself together enough to be like ‘I’ve really got to do this now’ and eventually do reply (albeit very late) but other times I just put it off forever.

I still like the people so much! It’s not like I am avoiding them or angry or anything. But my brain is just annoying 😂

I too will contact people myself, but it has to be when the time is right. Writing this, I sound insane. I’m not. If you met me you’d think I was normal, I hope!

I have never sat down and explained my reasons to a lot of my family or friends either, so it’s possible they are annoyed with me too. Maybe I should.

Anyway I just wanted to pop on here to let you know that not everyone who ignores people does so deliberately or because they’re secretly annoyed or something. So I hope it makes you feel better!

@Spookypig thanks for replying. You have a legitimate reason & to be honest I have my moments similar to you but with her, I actually see her online days after a message was sent & she’s in a group chat with my family so if I put a message in, I can see she’s read it. So it’s not like she’s absent minded or excessively busy, I think she’s just genuinely ignoring me.

I would honestly rather a simple “No” so then I could know where I stand. But thanks for explaining a different side too me :)

If people don't reply it's because they don't want to answer 🤷‍♀️ Take that as you will.

I don't reply to messages. I'll read them and then completely forget the only person who tends to get a reply is my mum but only because if she doesn't hear from me for a week she'll message my DH to check I'm okay.
I have autism and I really struggle to reply I don't like being put on the spot or for people to have constant access to me. Maybe she's similar?

Espically with a baby, it's so hard to reply when you're running around like a mad woman.

Im the same way as you @Spookypig although I don't let it get to a stage where it's bad/rude. I think that's why I get even more pissed when ppl don't reply because I know I've made the effort when really I could have not replied for much longer so they've gone to a whole other level of rudeness.

@Calandor Well I did gather that. I still find it rude to not acknowledge me whatsoever.

@IntrovertedPenguin & I completely understand that as I’m very introverted myself. The issue I have is I actually see her online days/weeks after I’ve messaged. I think it would be nice to just her acknowledged even if the answer is, No I cannot mind the baby.