AIBU husband shows no mercy, I am clearly just a workhorse

[Exworrier]

Ok so thread title a little dramatic but I am really pissed off about this.

We have a 4yo and a 11 month old baby. At the end of my maternity leave in August I started my own domestic cleaning business, it’s taken off really well and I work half the week cleaning and the other half of the week I am home with the 11m old. When I work I am out of the house 8.30-5.30 and it’s really hard physical work but we need the money so I don’t take breaks unless I’m driving. Home life with the 11m is hard too as he’s a high needs baby, teething and barely sleeping. I also do all the school runs (apart from one) all the packed lunches, all the dinners, all the cleaning at home, all the life admin, bill paying, weekend planning etc.

My husband knows how tough I have been finding life lately and I’ve said to him on more than one occasion that I feel burnt out and like I’ve spread myself too thin and I have no time for things I take joy in.

My client for Friday this week has cancelled, however I have a bunch of people on the waiting list. In passing I said to my husband that I am tempted to just take the day off to rest. His reply was “you can’t keep taking days off!”

The last time I had a “day off” I.e. no kids and no work was 3rd September for 6 hours and most of that I spent cleaning our house after the summer holidays chaos.

I am so cross.

AIBU?

Don’t even tell him, just take the day off!

What a CF – he’s not appreciating your efforts, so you should scale back and take some pressure off if you can.

I also do all the school runs (apart from one) all the packed lunches, all the dinners, all the cleaning at home, all the life admin, bill paying, weekend planning etc.

Why? You are working long hard physical days. Why isnt he sharing the load?

Absolutely. Take the day off. No question.

And yes, I wouldn't tell him. Let him think you're at work so he can't try and guilt you / make demands on your time.

I feel the same as you - burnt out - and you are doing more than me. So hats off to you....but look after yourself.

Thing is, you're carrying 100% of the mental load because you're the one who chose to pick it up. I did the same thing and learned the hard way.

So put down everything that involves him and his needs. Do what you and the DC need rather than would like, and let the rest slide. Life's too short to be this exhausted all the time.

Next time don't tell him. Take the day off and go off somewhere to relax for the day!

He's being very unreasonable. Often partners don't even realise the load we carry because we just keep going and going, keeping life ticking on. He needs to share the load and I'd recommend you divide up the jobs fairly and better still take yourself off for a few days rest while he juggles EVERYTHING you do. That will be a proper lesson for him. Honestly, sometimes we do so much until we collapse and it's just ridiculous that things have to get to that stage (this is the bitter voice of experience talking 🤦)

Agree with above. Take the day off don't tell him when. & eke out any time you can for yourself generally. No need to announce it to him.

Well done on starting your own business and making a success of it. Its a shame your husband lacks empathy. Why were you cleaning your home for 6 hours anyway, where was he/why couldnt he do his share of the housework?

Why are you letting him get away with this appalling behavior?

Why doesn't he share the load at home?

What time off does he get ? And how much does he get up in the night?

I’m betting he gets more time to himself and more sleep than you do.

So what does your husband actually do because it sounds like you are doing it all.

YANBU but you are allowing the situation to continue by working yourself into the ground. Your husband needs to start pulling his weight or else he needs to push off!

It’s fair enough you are pissed off.

But you know what to do, make a long list of all the tasks; work out roughly what percentage would be fair for each of you to do taking into account your working hours; sit him down, tell him how it’s going to be, and then leave him to it.

It’s better to take whole areas each eg one takes laundry, one takes food shopping and packed lunches, one takes medical appts, one takes school appts, cooking you might split.. you may well end up with no clean clothes for a couple days, but it’s the only way he’ll learn (you can do an emergency wash of yours - he can sort himself snd the kids out)

At the same time, work out how you get equal time off eg he does Saturday Am, you to Sunday, so you both get a lie in and time to do whatever, and you both get equal nights out.

meanwhile focus on turning your business into Molly maids so if he doesn’t buck up you can leave him

What's your financial situation like as a family? If he's working long hours and you're struggling financially then he'd have more of a point but should still be helping you with the kids and house. If he's on a six figure salary and expecting you to clean houses and everything at home, he's even more unreasonable.

So what does your DH do when he’s not working to share domestic and childcare stuff?

Not what you asked (but your husband is a prick and the advice will be pouring in as to how to deal right him) but congratulations on making such a success of your new career so quickly. It speaks volumes about you and your work ethic so in your knackered state, please remember you are awesome.

WTF does your partner do in your home?
He needs to pull his weight & contribute towards running the household.

He works too, he does 4 days a week and then one day at home with the baby while I work. He does 50% of the night wakes with the baby.

He will be the first to admit he doesn’t do much round the house, he does the bins and recycling and he loads the dishwasher after tea. That’s about the extent of his non parenting responsibilities. I don’t know why I stand for it either. I’ve tried to delegate but he does a shit job.

Well why do you do all the domestic chores?

how can you be suprised by his attitude when you have established and agreed to a set up where you work part tile
and do all the domestic duties.

im always astounded by women who have agreed to
and established such unequal arrangements who are then astounded by their husbands not treating them as equals

Him doing a shit job - that's deliberate incompetence. He does it because he knows you won't ask him to do it again. I'd make him do those jobs all the time, after all practice makes perfect.

Of course he does a shit job

he has no respect for you

Take the day off

If you weren't self employed you could take leave from your job

And agree about him helping out more

We are poor as hell. He works for the nhs and I did work for Bupa but resigned as they wouldn’t give me school hours when my oldest started in September. My cleaning brings in around £600 a month, his work brings in about £1300 and we get universal credit.

He needs to do more obviously, what a cheeky little sod. Id be handing over dinners (at a minimum). He'll get better at them as he has to eat it too.