AIBU husband shows no mercy, I am clearly just a workhorse

[Exworrier]

Ok so thread title a little dramatic but I am really pissed off about this.

We have a 4yo and a 11 month old baby. At the end of my maternity leave in August I started my own domestic cleaning business, it’s taken off really well and I work half the week cleaning and the other half of the week I am home with the 11m old. When I work I am out of the house 8.30-5.30 and it’s really hard physical work but we need the money so I don’t take breaks unless I’m driving. Home life with the 11m is hard too as he’s a high needs baby, teething and barely sleeping. I also do all the school runs (apart from one) all the packed lunches, all the dinners, all the cleaning at home, all the life admin, bill paying, weekend planning etc.

My husband knows how tough I have been finding life lately and I’ve said to him on more than one occasion that I feel burnt out and like I’ve spread myself too thin and I have no time for things I take joy in.

My client for Friday this week has cancelled, however I have a bunch of people on the waiting list. In passing I said to my husband that I am tempted to just take the day off to rest. His reply was “you can’t keep taking days off!”

The last time I had a “day off” I.e. no kids and no work was 3rd September for 6 hours and most of that I spent cleaning our house after the summer holidays chaos.

I am so cross.

AIBU?

You arent delegating you should be SHARING the load. I think you need a brutal and honest conversation about how the divide just isnt working. Your hours are similar but he doesnt take on anything else.

OP - you should not have to hide the fact that you are taking a day off because you are exhausted!!

You're being a martyr. Just stop it. Tell your husband he is doing 50% of the household jobs and that's it. You're allowing him to do next to nothing and then complaining about it.

It always makes me laugh when people class ‘doing the bins’ as a job as if it equates to cooking 3 meals a day 7 days a week. Or doing the entire laundry, drying it all, ironing it all and putting it away.
Unless you walk a mile dragging 2 full dustbins with you down an uneven, unlit path then if hardly equates to ‘a job’.
Seriously sit down with him and write down everything that needs doing. Let him look at the list and then both decide who does what.

He sounds horrible. Like he sees you as a resource and not a person. A lot like my exh tbh. I know exactly the feeling you describe - as though the person is calculating what value you are bringing at all times.

It’s a horrible way to live, with someone who doesn’t treat you as a human being and I don’t recommend it.

Your only fault here is telling him!
I am married a long time now and have learnt that dh is on a strictly need to know basis!! Doesn't give him the opportunity to come out with shit like that!
Not the point l know but sometimes you just have to play the game. He does sound very unreasonable and lazy expecting you to do everything.

OP you are enabling his attitude and behaviour. Have you ever thought about LTB because honestly what does he bring to the table?

You shouldn't need to explain yourself or ask. As for the kids/house it should be split and all on board.

I really feel for you, you seem so lovely and hardworking but hes just blocking you.

💐💐

Take the day off and don’t even mention it to him and if he brings it up, give him a dirty look and carry on.

Don’t run yourself into the ground, not good for you or for your children including the little one.

Thank you all for being so lovely. I think I have some kind of complex where I am not very good at accepting or asking for help and instead just run myself into the ground. Yes I have thought about LTB many times but it is a scary prospect especially in current climate.

I think he’s probably saying it mainly because of money pressures. We both have no money in our accounts right now and he knows that I get paid on the day I work so it would be useful.

Well you could probably do a bit more paid work if he did a bit more around the house and with the kids!

It’s not asking for help though is it - it’s not your responsibility that he can help you with. It is equally his job.

I despair.

it’s on him - but it’s also on you

NRTFT but how much do you charge? The average here is £15 an hour. That's ten hours a week (£600 per month) cleaning outside the home. You seem to be doing much more.
Your husband is a dick. Don't let him get away with weaponising his incompetence. Spread the load according to your skills.

Why are you making his food and cleaning up after him? Stop doing that straight away.

@Exworrier 💖 I know what you mean. I used to be like that before covid. Working away and not asking for help or delegating or saying no. I completely understand that me saying LTB and you doing it are more than words, it's incredibly complicated 💐

Are you getting what you are worth? Cleaners in my area are £20 per hour upwards.

Thanks all.

I wish I’d out my prices higher but I charge £15 an hour, I work 12h a week, 6h cleaning each day and the rest is travel time. I was thinking of upping my prices after Christmas if things stay steady.

OP, I own many businesses my first ever one many moons ago was cleaning. Please feel free to pm me anytime if I can help.

Not really the point of the thread OP, but why are you out of the house for 18 hours on the days that you work, but only cleaning/earning for 12? Are you spending lots of time driving to jobs?

YANBU overall because he’s being a dick but definitely unreasonable to use the word ‘cross’ in this or any situation. Its such a twee MN word. It’s ok to say ‘pissed off’.

Definitely up your prices

£600 a month for long days of cleaning seems very low to me.
How much do you charge per hour , £150 per week for 8.5 hr days sounds below minimum wage

He's not the only one being a dick...

Seems your husband is not contributing financially enough? Is this the case? Not sure but someone has to pay the bills when there are babies in the home and this is usually the father.