Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want her again!!

28 replies

ZeliRCex435 · 02/11/2022 20:27

I am due a baby ten days before Christmas
and have been told I’ll be induced 7 days over if they don’t arrive before. So possibly the baby will be two or three days old at Xmas (if late) and mil wants to come for Xmas again!!!

the reason I want to say no (Aibu)
my last ds was due on Xmas day and arrived three days late
my mil invited herself for Xmas as usual despite having two other children other than my dh (a dd and ds plus another gd) plus several close sisters and single best friends that she could be with/stay with /visit

so she comes makes Xmas miserable and no help whatsoever / when no baby had arrived she went off to visit her other family and baby does arrive three days late so she visits us in hospital until chucked out by staff as out staying visiting hours,
then the after we get home comes and getting stroppy about not being passed the baby instantly and then hogging him saying how he is a daddy’s boy and grandmas boy etc and then wants to feed him a bottle despite the fact he’s bf
i did actually fall out with her a bit and take him away upstairs and stayed there until she left
then she sent loads of messages to my dh saying how she only wants to help and can’t understand why we don’t want her anymore

I feel she’s manipulative and I can’t stand her anymore and things haven’t really improved over the years and she’s manipulative and passive aggressive eg - she once ignored me the whole day because I said I didn’t want her to give my son sweets before his dinner and that I didn’t really allow them or too much sugar (his enamel on his baby teeth hadn’t formed properly , so the dentist had advised no sugar so I wasn’t trying to be mean)

anyway I feel like saying she isn’t welcome this Xmas and that she can visit the baby once I’m up to it
eg not in the hospital or the first few days
not after she ruined the last time

also she has other children and family she can see so why always us every single year!!!
and every year if I’m honest she ruins it! So controlling and has my son posing for all her pictures can’t open presents until she is ready for photos and waiting until she says etc and this is from me constantly but no mention of anyone else!

she was also planning on our spare bedroom being “her room” wtf for her to stay! Unfortunately it’s now a baby’s nursery lol
I have told dh how I feel and he does agree but never seems to confront her head on
ge tries to ignore her demands and change the subject! Says he feels sorry for her (as her partner left her for another women a couple of years before we met) but come on! She’s a grown woman surely not our responsibility and he doesn’t speak to his sister or brother hardly ever so who knows what they think

so any advice on how to deal with awkward mil
or Aibu and should I be more accommodating?
Thanks

OP posts:
BlackeyedGruesome · 02/11/2022 20:33

My initial response is that if he invites mil it is marriage ending territory....

Can you guess I found my mil stressful! Hate people in my house and they made my life miserable over the wedding as nothing was good enough.

Seriously though I would make it plain to DH that you are not going to be having mil visit without consequences for him.

StoneofDestiny · 02/11/2022 20:42

Just say No! Get your DH to say No!
Its that easy - really.

Longdarkcloud · 02/11/2022 20:44

It’s time for the her or me challenge. Get your DH to cut the apron strings.
So who cares what she says when she is told she is not to visit. She has out lasted her welcome and has been discourteous to you as her hostess.
She doesn’t have to spend Christmas alone so don’t feel responsible for that.
Protect your future relationship with your new baby and keep her away until or if you are ready.
If she insist she’ll visit at Christmas tell her you’re having Christmas out or away so you can relax.
Good luck

SpacePotato · 02/11/2022 20:48

Fuck that.
Your DH needs to tell his mother she needs to visit someone else this xmas and you are will contact her when ready for people to visit to meet the new baby.

Girlsontour · 02/11/2022 20:49

Just say NO. Say it now and make it concrete. The End,

CrackingcheeseWallace · 02/11/2022 20:49

That's a definite no for this Xmas.

She dictates when xmas presents are opened in YOUR house?! She can sod right off. What IS it with some parents thinking they can tell grown adults what to and when?!

Time for you to explain, again, to DH that she isn't invited this year and he needs to communicate it to her.

bluedelphinium · 02/11/2022 20:50

In slower time, the problem to deal with is DH being incapable of giving his mother a polite, firm answer if it is not what she wants to hear. This is clearly at times to the detriment of your family's needs. He needs to understand this and get willing to speak up.

For this Christmas, with the baby and all, I wouldn't risk him messing this up and relenting. The above point needs addressing, very much so, but the priority is refusing this visit.

I think you'll find it easier to accept being the 'bad cop' on this occasion so everyone is clear ASAP that MIL is not coming at Christmas and she can make alternative plans. I know you shouldn't have to but you don't want this hanging over the rest of your pregnancy. She sounds maddening.

Could you start a WhatsApp chat with you, her and DH if you haven't already. Text something like 'hi Jean, just to let you know in good time for Christmas, as you're aware, the baby is due only days before (don't list the details). Therefore, I know youve mentioned you'd like to come and spend the day with DS but unfortunately we won't be up to hosting at all over Christmas. I'm sure you understand. We will all look forward to you coming to meet the baby once we're both home and settled'.

Let DH know that if he undermines you on this, you'll consider that a huge issue.

Vallmo47 · 02/11/2022 20:52

Ugh, having just had my dad visit for 3 weeks and me having to do literally everything for him (he was supposed to stay 3 months!!!!), I’m immediately thinking NO fucking way. No excuses necessary but you have very valid ones - with a new baby you cannot also be hosting. End of story. From experience I want to add not to make any vague half promises about other times/years. I’ve just had the most horrific experience with my dad here and I’ve finally learned to say NO.

bluedelphinium · 02/11/2022 20:53

And don't worry about bad feeling or upsetting her, she doesn't give a toss. What's she going to say? ' Zeli said I couldn't come for Christmas after she'd had a baby X days before'?

ShouldntHaveBeenSoHasty · 02/11/2022 20:55

Why did your dh not immediately tell her that she wasn’t coming when she first raised it. You’re not unreasonable at all to not want her there but it’s absolutely not your issue to deal with.

sborber · 02/11/2022 20:56

Confused as to why this is even a question your DH should just know it’s a bad idea. No to Christmas, and no until you’re ready for visitors.

MeridianB · 02/11/2022 20:59

YADNBU! Your DH needs to raise this now and be really clear and firm, so she can’t claim she was let down at the last minute. He needs to tell her it’s not happening.

And when she does visit to see your new baby, continue to stand your ground on her obnoxious behaviour. Pushing to bottle feed a BF baby is always a giveaway!

AlbertaAnnie · 02/11/2022 21:22

You literally have the best excuse not to have her there it’s really doesn’t need to be awkward- “ MIL please make your own arrangements for Xmas as we will be have a quite one here just us while I recover from the birth - see you for a visit when things are calmer - merry Christmas, DIL” jobs a guddin!

MysteryBelle · 02/11/2022 21:22

Simply tell your husband to tell his mother she absolutely cannot come at Christmas and she will not come after that until you decide you’re ready to have her over.

Don’t over-explain or go on and on, just tell him the above. Short and sweet.

MysteryBelle · 02/11/2022 21:23

AlbertaAnnie · 02/11/2022 21:22

You literally have the best excuse not to have her there it’s really doesn’t need to be awkward- “ MIL please make your own arrangements for Xmas as we will be have a quite one here just us while I recover from the birth - see you for a visit when things are calmer - merry Christmas, DIL” jobs a guddin!

Very good

Badnewsoracle · 02/11/2022 21:25

YANBU. I was railroaded in to hosting PIL for Christmas a week before DC1 was born, they said they'd help, I wouldn't have to lift a finger etc etc. DH ended up doing most of it with me giving instructions and helping when it got too much (he'd never cooked a roast and struggled with the competing priorities). They didn't lift a finger and wanted waiting on hand and foot. It was exhausting.

When I was pregnant with DC2, DH refused to have them for anytime over Christmas. We did a day visit to them between Christmas and New year and we told them why.

saraclara · 02/11/2022 21:29

I adored my MIL. But no way could I have had even her to stay three days after the birth and expecting the full Christmas Day.

“ MIL please make your own arrangements for Xmas as we will be have a quite one here just us while I recover from the birth - see you for a visit when things are calmer - merry Christmas, DIL”

That's perfect. No hesitancy, no apologetic tone that she can wriggle into. A simple 'this is what's happening'

Msloverlover · 02/11/2022 21:30

I’m due at exactly the same time as you. We were due to host Xmas this year so instead mil, fil and gmil are renting a holiday house nearby. They understood straight away that ours was not going to be an option as I will either be in labour, very overdue and uncomfortable or with a tiny baby. I get on with them very well btw but you have to have your own space.

AlwaysFoldingWashing · 02/11/2022 21:31

I think it's DH job to tell her but only if he can be trusted to be firm on it, if you think there's any chance of him backtracking or relenting then I would take it into your own hands now and say she will need to make other plans or you will have this hanging over you for the rest of your pregnancy. Good luck and congrats! Hope you have the Xmas you want to have

CourtAppointedHairdresser · 02/11/2022 21:35

Yeah... no.
Be really clear with DH that his mother is NOT staying. Do her other children avoid your DH because they're NC/grey rock with MIL perhaps? She sounds awful.

Tarragon123 · 02/11/2022 21:36

bluedelphinium · 02/11/2022 20:50

In slower time, the problem to deal with is DH being incapable of giving his mother a polite, firm answer if it is not what she wants to hear. This is clearly at times to the detriment of your family's needs. He needs to understand this and get willing to speak up.

For this Christmas, with the baby and all, I wouldn't risk him messing this up and relenting. The above point needs addressing, very much so, but the priority is refusing this visit.

I think you'll find it easier to accept being the 'bad cop' on this occasion so everyone is clear ASAP that MIL is not coming at Christmas and she can make alternative plans. I know you shouldn't have to but you don't want this hanging over the rest of your pregnancy. She sounds maddening.

Could you start a WhatsApp chat with you, her and DH if you haven't already. Text something like 'hi Jean, just to let you know in good time for Christmas, as you're aware, the baby is due only days before (don't list the details). Therefore, I know youve mentioned you'd like to come and spend the day with DS but unfortunately we won't be up to hosting at all over Christmas. I'm sure you understand. We will all look forward to you coming to meet the baby once we're both home and settled'.

Let DH know that if he undermines you on this, you'll consider that a huge issue.

Excellent advice. I'm assuming you dont have a family WhatsApp chat if DH doesnt really speak to his siblings. Thats a shame, as I'd be tempted to have a word with them and say we arent hosting, who is going to host MIL?

I'm always surprised at other people's families. I just cant imagine expecting to be waited on hand and foot by a couple with a young family!

lifeinthehills · 02/11/2022 21:39

Even if baby arrives early, it will be hard to have visitors that early on. If baby is 2-3 days old, I can't imagine you'll be doing much for Christmas at all anyway. I always refuse visitors on day 3. That's when I know I'll be hormonal and have some tears, emotions all over the place. I think that's pretty common. You are totally reasonable to say no to Christmas this year.

WhatHappenedToYoyos · 02/11/2022 21:42

If he's not going to proactively tell her then I'd take his phone and just message her (with his permission of course) saying this year it's just ZeliRCex435, DC and I for Christmas because the baby will be due and we want our own family time. Let us know if you're available on XX date and we will exchange presents then.

Let her know early enough that she's not coming for Christmas day so she better start looking elsewhere for company this year. If she chooses to leave it too late to ask around then that is her fault.

If he insists on her coming or she guilts him in to it, pay for them to share a hotel somewhere and you can enjoy the peace in your house... or pay for yourself to have a lovely hotel with your DC and you'll let DH know if baby makes an appearance.

WhatHappenedToYoyos · 02/11/2022 21:43

Obviously don't go off to a hotel with a newborn as that's far too stressful but if you're overdue and MIL is being difficult then treat yourself!

Caiti19 · 02/11/2022 21:45

SpacePotato · 02/11/2022 20:48

Fuck that.
Your DH needs to tell his mother she needs to visit someone else this xmas and you are will contact her when ready for people to visit to meet the new baby.

This. With an additional F*ck That from me.