Arguments over the spare room

[Met82]

Would like to get everyone’s opinion on this.
So me and my husband have been together 15 years, married 5 and living together for 10.

We both have a child to a previous relationship however until recent we all lived under the same roof with no issues.

Problem has came up. My son who is the oldest of the two kids (25) officially moved out 3 months ago and in with his girlfriend into their first flat. He has been staying 5 days out of 7 at hers for the last 2 years anyway but this new flat its officially theirs and he has moved all his belongings out.

My husband wants his girl who is 17 to now move into the bigger room (what was previously my sons room) as she currently has the small room to herself.

He appears to have agreed this without ever running it by me first and assumed there would be no issues. His argument is simply that my son moved out 3 months ago and the room is sitting empty so sees no issues in it. He did say that of course there is always a room/bed for my son should anything ever change however he thinks that should be the small room. On the odd occasion my son visits and decides to stay over he thinks it should be in the small room.

Im 100% against this. My son has only just moved out 3 months ago and although my fingers are crossed that everything works out fine for them what if it doesn’t and he has to move back in. I don’t want him feeling that his room is no longer there.

Am I being completely unreasonable as I don’t think I am however my husband seems really angry that this is even being discussed.

Help

[Cheesehamandoniontoastie]

Ffs 😅

[kenadams86]

I agree with your DH and everyone else on this thread. Your son is a grown man and has left home. Your DSD should definitely have the bigger room.

I'd be quite excited about helping her move into the room and redecorating? Maybe an opportunity to put a positive spin on the change.

[Tarragon123]

I really feel for the SD. Imagine being stuck in the wee bedroom for the past two years while your SB is away for five nights out of seven! And then another three months while your SM feels the need to keep the larger room in the vain hope that he comes back. Poor girl. At least her father is sticking up for her.

[Susieblue18]

I think you’re being unreasonable, surely the child who lives there should be in the biggest room. Your son has hardly lived in the house for the past 2 years. Have you asked him what he thinks?

[AryaStarkWolf]

Yes agree that it's awful you didn't give her the bigger room before now when your son was out of the house 5 nights a week. Shame on you

[PurpleButterflyWings]

@Travis1

MIL…..is that you? He’s not coming back and neither is BIL.🙄

I don't think the OP is coming back either. @Met82 Yoo hoo. Where ARE you?!

[Duchess379]

DS has been with her 2yrs & has practically been living in her flat up to now. He's 25, let him go!

[itsnotmeitisactuallyyou]

@fdgdfgdfgdfg

You're being completely unreasonable. Why on earth should your stepdaughter have to stay in the small room just on the off chance your son moves back to yours?

He's not even a kid, he's 25!

This

[fruktsoda]

If he ever does need to move back in, why should he get the bigger room? He'll be fine in the smaller one, just as your step-daughter has been for the past five years.

[Gilmorehill]

Your ds is grown up and has left home. He is fortunate that he will have a roof over his head if things. He cannot expect things to stay still when he has moved on. What a shame you can’t appreciate that it would be a nice thing for your dsd to have a larger room to enjoy.

[Met82]

Just to be clear there is no shrine. The room is empty.

Husband is angry as he doesn’t get why this is even a discussion. Says I have empty nest syndrome.

I have a great relationship with my SD I just feel like my son doesn’t have a room at his dads (my ex) so feel bad if he doesn’t have his room at mine should he need it.

SD room yes is small but very cosy and she can use the other room for studying whenever she needs too.

[SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius]

But it makes no sense for her to have the small room when it is just standing empty, @Met82. If you are going to have an unused bedroom in the house, it makes far more sense to make it the smaller/smallest one.

It would be pretty mean to refuse your sd the use of the room.

[Aquamarine1029]

Husband is angry as he doesn’t get why this is even a discussion.

I'd be furious, honestly, because you're treating his daughter terribly. FFS, I think the girl deserves the big room now after all these years. It's remarkable that you can't grasp this.

[Susieblue18]

But he does have a room at yours. If the small room is good enough for dsd to sleep in all the time, surely it’s good enough for your son now and again? It’s an empty room sitting unused, no wonder your husband is angry, I’ld have moved her in by now.

[Pallisers]

But he will have a room at yours if he needs it. Just not the exact same room he had when he was 15.

You really are being unreasonable to your dh and I really do think this has to do with you missing your son and missing having him at home with you. It happens to us all when young adult children move out - it is the end of a very big phase of life. But it doesn't mean your sd should be in the smaller room forever.

I bet your son wouldn't even care enough to have a reaction if you said it to him - that if he ever needs to come home, he'll now be in the smaller bedroom. As far as he is concerned he has moved out.

[thebirdysong]

He’s 25!!

[Tohaveandtohold]

You’re being very unreasonable. I don’t understand how this is even up for discussion. Why should a big room sit empty just in case your son comes back home. He still has a room in your house, the cosy room as you called it. The only person I feel sorry for is his daughter

[Cottagecheeseisnotcheese]

I think your DH is right , your son will still have the option of a room but your SD should certainly be given the chance of the bigger room, while I get it is not a shrine, i still think tyour SD living there 365 should get the larger room, maybe she would like a double bed or bigger wardrobe or room for a larger desk somehwere to put a chair to watch netflix rather than lying on the bed etc etc
when I moved to uni ( i was still home holidays my other sister who was then doing a levels got my room and when i was home i shared with the next youngest as i no longer needed the study space, it makes no sense when your son has moved out he is not away at uni so home 15-20 weeks a year he maybe home for 10 nights in a year

[Confusion101]

@Met82

Just to be clear there is no shrine. The room is empty.

Husband is angry as he doesn’t get why this is even a discussion. Says I have empty nest syndrome.

I have a great relationship with my SD I just feel like my son doesn’t have a room at his dads (my ex) so feel bad if he doesn’t have his room at mine should he need it.

SD room yes is small but very cosy and she can use the other room for studying whenever she needs too.

Can you not just do up the smaller room for him if you really want to feel like it's his room? "manly" bedspread and whatever belongings he has left in the wardrobe. Job done, everyone's happy!

10 pages into a thread telling you YABU and you still aren't willing to give in?

[Aquamarine1029]

This isn't about your son, it's about you and your inability to deal with the fact that he has officially moved out. It's pure selfishness, and I can imagine your husband is quite upset at seeing this side of you. There is not a single valid reason why your stepdaughter shouldn't have that room.

[lizziesiddal79]

As soon as I moved out permanently at 21, my parents turned my room into a gym! (Like Monica’s). On the odd occasion I slept over (twice) since, I’ve had to sleep on the sofa. It’s their house and the room should be used as they see fit. I didn’t expect it to remain there for me ‘just in case’. YABU.

[HedgehogB]

This is hilariously awful OP. YAB very very U . I have one son too and two stepchildren. He’s my only bio child. I’m going to have empty nest syndrome when he leaves too (he is 17) but tbh when he chooses to leave , if he’s as old as 25 (gee I hope not) then even if it doesn’t work out eg with a girlfriend then he should man up and go somewhere else, not back home! I can’t wait for his room to be my craft room ha ha . We joke about it. The job of a parent - a decent parent- is to lovingly make themselves redundant - not to be a permanent backstop. I’m one of five, the biggest favour my dad ever did all of us was to gently push us out the door and to live the consequences of our own mistakes. Get some hobbies dear and try having some fun decorating the room with DSD . I feel sorry for her!

[MissLucyEyelesbarrow]

This has to be a wind-up. No one could be this mean and selfish.

[MikiSu]

Your son is 25, he doesn't need a room reserved for him!!

[Happyunhappy]

Of course he doesnt have a room at his Dads as he doesnt live there! He doesn't live at yours either. Be fair to your staff and let her have the room. That's the usual and fair way to do things.