Feeling so guilty over not being able to afford Christmas

[elm26]

My DH and I have prioritised paying off our debt for the past 11 months.

We have about another 6 months of paying it off to go and we are due our first baby in May.

We also need to move to a 2 bedroom as we have no room for any additional stuff such as a cot or a pram.

My family go all out at Christmas, even for the adults and I have done this too since I started working at 16.

We simply cannot justify buying everyone presents this year and will just be buying for the children (18 and under) in the family.

We are volunteering for the vulnerable and elderly with some friends this year so won't be with any family for Christmas Day but I still feel so guilty and sad not getting everyone a gift. I know next year will be the same with a 7 month told.

Does anyone have any ideas of what I could do? I was thinking of making festive shortbread in batches for the adults and putting it in a nice gift wrap etc.

Have a chat with them now about your financial circumstances. Make sure they know you don’t want presents from them either.

Please don't feel guilty - by volunteering you are bringing so much happiness to people. That's the true spirit. Volunteers Xmas week for 10 years before I had a young family as I got sick of the commercialisation. Best Xmas I ever had.

We always do DIY Xmas gifts. Why not make a festive tipple? This year I'm making Pinapple Tepache (beer/cider) - I made 2 test batches and it was soooo good! Super cheap and quick to make - you can find a recipe online. www.liveeatlearn.com/pineapple-tepache/ It's just:

2-3 ripe pinapples (you just need the skin and core so you can use the fruit to maybe make a festive chutney) - pinapple skins contain natural yeast.
Brown Sugar
Cinnamon sticks
Cloves
Ginger
Water

That's all! You just chuck it into a big mason jar and leave it somewhere warm for 1-2 days to ferment. Then bottle it and leave the bottles for 24hrs somewhere warm. Then as if by magic you get a delicious sweet, spicy, fizzy beer which is about 2-3%. Make a DIY lable and you have a wonderful Xmas tipple that costs pennies!! You can make at least 3 batches from the old skins - just add more water and sugar. So with just the stuff you throw away from the pinapple and sugar and spice you can make 18lt of Beer!

Talk with your family about new expectations. Everyone is feeling pinched due to inflation, but are not ready to open the conservation. Other family members may be relieved to cut back as well.

Our secret santa works really well - I only have to buy one at £30 instead of nine at £20. We've been doing it about five years now and it's going to be permanent.

And I'd snap the giver's hand off if someone gave me home made tablet or fudge instead of something bought!

Definitely set expectation now.

On my family side we do a secret Santa for adults, and only buy for godchildren. They get Santa, godparents, parents and often grandparents. Nuts.
DH's side is tricker but a lot fewer people and no kids bar ours so while still a faff to buy things for people who probably don't want them it's a lot less.

I'd way prefer shortbread or marmalade or something consumable. The guilt of taking stuff to the charity shop after Christmas. It's such a waste.

I thought you were going to say you had young DC and couldn't afford Christmas for them. You have nothing to feel guilty about. You sound like you have your priorities right, and surely anyone who cares about you will understand that?

Just be clear and open. I bet lots in your family feel same. It’s ideal time to stop. Don’t say no presents then do shortbread. You haven’t got money or space for presents.

I would suggest when you asked to downsize Xmas- perhaps to less than a fiver per person/homemade or card - you don't say "this year" but set the expectation that this is what you would like to do things going forward.

In my family we agreed to only buy for adults when we all had kids and it was such a relief. Hugely reduced the cost but also the stress of thinking of things to buy.

Even buying for the kids I sometimes think I am putting a lot of energy and money into what to buy when it would be so much easier to buy for our own kids and other people do the same for their own. I guess the more I know the kids the more I enjoy buying for them and choosing things they would like. Kids I see less often have been simplified to money in a card.

Bite the bullet and go for it.

Great idea w make chutneys and then marmalade in the spring..

Think about the future you will want to prioritise your new baby.... have your own family practices... and lots of buying stuff is becoming an old fashioned way of showing love really... crap for the bank balance crap for the planet ....

Its hard to adjust though .. my mum went wild at Christmas to make up on having no money all year....
Whereas dp family no fuss at all!
We do less and less each year apart from dc.... hardly any adults apart from each other as want to midel buying good gifts ..but usually just better versions of things!

If I ever get shortbread I'd be well chuffed! Bloody love the stuff.

Just be honest. We did the same last year. We said, we have a baby on the way and we're buying a house. Let's not do presents this year.

It worked out fine as tbh, MIL goes overboard with buying a load of tat anyway just because it's Christmas. I'd much rather have the shortbread!

We've all put a £5 limit on presents for extended family this year (and even then, extended family only extends to about 7-8 people), and are making a bit of a game of it - secondhand is good, homemade is good.

I've already found 3 brand new hardback books in charity shops that recipients will enjoy, and have got the knitting needles out!

Prioritising the future for your family is way more important than an extravagant Christmas.

Totally agree with everyone else here. Being pregnant and focusing on saving up for the baby is a perfect reason to put a stop to excessive gift giving. If anyone makes a fuss or sulks it really is their issue not yours.

We now do secret santa with the adults in our family so everyone has one nice thing to open, rather than a pile of tat they don't really want or need. We tend to put together a wish list of a few items so you still get a surprise. But I also think something handmade will be very well received and sounds lovely.

If someone gave me some lovely homemade shortbread as a gift I would be very happy!

One year I wrapped up some nice bags of chocolates (about £5 each) and stuck a label on them. Family then had to pick a card and then they have the chocolate with the matching label. Was a fun little game and no one seemed to mind the fact that we had no money! You could make some fudge or millionaires shortbread to keep the cost down.

Don't feel guilty, but do let people know in advance ASAP.

Family comes first. I’d rather have some lovely shortbread then a crappy gift that gets binned the next year.

Thank you so much everyone, you've all really helped.

I sent a group chat message to all our family and on our friends group telling them we'd only be buying for the children as we are moving house and they all agreed, some close family know we are pregnant too so they all completely understood. Feels like a massive weight off my shoulders.

I will be making some shortbreads as it'll be nice to give something and it's cheap and easy to make in batches.

Thanks everyone ♥️

What's with the guilt? It is only appropriate when you have done something wrong, which clearly you have not.

I think your present idea is lovely and will be gobbled down gratefully by the recipients.

I too would love some festive short bread or any kind of baked goods. I hate naff tat gifts that are supposed to look like you put thought into it but didn't looking at you angel in box with poem

I did home made baileys one year went down a storm with the relies

Trust me everyone in your group thinks you a a hero for this

On every thread by a poster who can't afford Christmas presents other posteta suggest a secret bloody Santa

No, stop all the wastefulness of presents so the sake of it. If any of your adult family complain like a sulky 6 year old you know who to avoid for a peaceful life.

Instead of feeling guilty you should be feeling proud of yourself. You are getting out of debt before your baby arrives.

Honestly I'd rather my relative to not get me a present and be debt free.