MIL tension and boundaries

[drubio]

Since having my first child the relationship with my MIL has become quite tense. I am pregnant again and she wants us to visit them for Christmas, I'll be 35 weeks pregnant and they live 7-8 hours drive from us. I find it uncomfortable to be in a car at the best of times , let alone for that long and that pregnant. I understand that they want to see their grandchild and they visit to see him every 3-4 months (dont help with him or play with him unless encouraged), my MIL wants then my husband and my son to visit her without me and I am not keen on that. Am I being unreasonable?

Don't go and tbh at 35 weeks pregnant , I wouldnt want my Dh travelling so far either.

I would invite them to you over xmas and if they don't want to come- Oh well.

She wants your family to leave you alone and heavily pregnant for Christmas if you can't make it?

I mean the trip doesn't sound feasible at that point in your pregnancy. I certainly wouldn't cope

Can they not come to you?

To be honest what does your dh say about all this? (Especially leaving you alone over Christmas) because that will either be your biggest issue or your biggest help.

She wanted your DH & DS to leave you in your own at Christmas, whilst you're heavily pregnant?!

Invite her to yours ("obviously we won't be in a position to travel so you're welcome here") and put the ball back in her court.

No, they need to come to you. You shouldn't have to be parted from your son and DH at Christmas, let alone that pregnant. What's your DH said?

If my DH even dreamed about travelling 8 hours away from me while I was heavily pregnant at Christmas, I'd change the locks.

Say no, it won't work for this year and DS will be staying with you as he should for Christmas. Entitled MILs need to feel the boundaries. DH can figure out where his loyalty is and quickly.

That would be a hard no, OP. It is totally unreasonable to ask a heavily pregnant woman to make an unnecessary journey like that. I hope your husband is supporting you in this.

Your O/H should be standing up for you and telling them no .

I get that a long car journey at 35 weeks pregnant is uncomfortable but surely your husband visiting her for a few days before or after for a few days would be a good compromise. You get a nice rest, catch up on lots of sleep etc. What does
does your husband say? Does he want to visit her?

WhT does your DH say?

YANBU. It’s too far for a heavily pregnant person to travel by car and totally unreasonable to expect you to be left home alone.
This is your nuclear family now (you DH and DS plus bump) . She is peripheral. If she wants to spend Christmas with your family she should travel. If not a zoom call will suffice.

Unfortunately living so far apart frequent face to face time will not be possible.

You are definitely not being unreasonable here OP. A 7-8 hour drive when you are heavily pregnant would be very uncomfortable. And as for suggesting that DH leaves you on your own for Christmas when you may go into labour early...! DH needs to put his foot down. Can't they come to you?

I’m shocked at the absolute audacity of this tbh. Do you usually get on with your inlaws? What has your OH said about it? I hope it was some version of “no fucking way”?

Usually I’d say compromise and invite your MIL to you but not sure I’d bother now.

Could DH and DS go for a visit in mid Dec?

Depends what you mean by for xmas

Near Xmas but nit actually on Xmas, then yeah of course your dh and kid could go without you for a couple of days

I agree that as long as it is just in December, rather than Christmas, I'd be fine with that. I had my babies, October, November and December, so my DH would visit family by himself and later with the older children. If it was a high risk pregnancy, then no. I'd chat to MIL about her letting him have a lie in and leave during the evening with your son in PJs.

Raindancer411 · Today 08:15
No, they need to come to you. You shouldn't have to be parted from your son and DH at Christmas, let alone that pregnant. What's your DH said?”

no they don’t. Just have a quiet Christmas and spoil your son before the baby arrives.

No, you’re not being unreasonable on both counts: travelling 5/6 or more hours and the same return journey within a few days so far along is unwise, in fact I’d say dangerous. My niece made two similar journeys at 35 weeks pregnant, it caused a dvt in her leg. Fortunately she and the baby survived but it was touch and go for a while.
Your Mils other suggestion that Dh and your DC go to them for Christmas and you stay home is equally ludicrous.
If dh even considers this he needs reminding where his loyalties lie and they should be with you.

If baby comes early you could have a newborn by Christmas. Say no.

Maybe I'm just obstructive. But if my MiL suggested my husband and child spend Christmas without me, leaving me at home alone and heavily pregnant, I would not be inviting her to my house at Christmas that year.

What she is suggesting is a dreadful way to treat someone. You're a human being, not an incubator. I really hope your husband is supportive of you and will point this out to her.

YANBU.

That’s fat too long a drive for a heavily pregnant woman. Either they come to you or they wait till after the birth and you visit them when you feel up to it.

Wow. I echo what every PP has said. Definitely not.
Have you said it out loud so she can see how ridiculous it is : " Hang on Margaret, you want DH and DC to leave me here and travel 7 hours so they can spend Christmas with you and leave me here on my own 35 weeks pregnant?!"

This - except you don’t HAVE to invite her

You could just have such a terrible case of morning sickness that sadly it’ll have to be next year

Does your DH have your back on this? Or is he likely to capitulate to his mother.

You’re obviously not unreasonable to stay at home this Christmas and for the foreseeable with a newborn. And your DH needs to stay close by in case you go into labour.

Well your DH just says no. DH is very respectful of his parents but he would just say “ no sorry I can’t do that”. But then his parents wouldn’t ask him to either.

I don't know what happens to some women around pregnancy of the next generation. My mum threw so many strops that my sister wouldn't spend Christmas with them last year because "she only wanted to help so DSis could spend all day on the sofa, and anyway YOU aren't coming (*with a toddler and newborn, and q distance of several hundred miles - not a day trip) so I won't have any family around at Christmas for a second year running!" DSis had baby on Christmas Day, and was mightily glad she didn't have extended family members flapping around her.

Your DH needs to loudly call out his mother on her estonishingly selfish behaviour. Ask her if at 35 weeks pregnant, she have made a round trip of 18 hours and risked having a baby so far away from home? Would she have willingly spent Christmas Day alone and without her own toddler AND thought it reasonable and fair? Of course she wouldn't. Fml. Your DH needs to laugh in her face at the absurdity of it all.