MIL tension and boundaries

[drubio]

Since having my first child the relationship with my MIL has become quite tense. I am pregnant again and she wants us to visit them for Christmas, I'll be 35 weeks pregnant and they live 7-8 hours drive from us. I find it uncomfortable to be in a car at the best of times , let alone for that long and that pregnant. I understand that they want to see their grandchild and they visit to see him every 3-4 months (dont help with him or play with him unless encouraged), my MIL wants then my husband and my son to visit her without me and I am not keen on that. Am I being unreasonable?

Just say no. And after her audacity I wouldn’t have her over either. Is DH backing you up or is he a wet lettuce who’d rather throw you under the bus than upset his mother?

No! Of course you shouldn’t do that. What has your DH said? And doubly so you should have to be alone without your DH and DS - they are your nuclear family, not hers.

i like this response "obviously we won't be in a position to travel so you're welcome here" because it is so obvious.

No obligation to invite her of course!

I am aghast at the amount of posters who believe OP should be accommodating to Mil by inviting her to theirs when the woman has no regard for her.

You don't have to tolerate poor behaviour from anyone, regardless of their familial position. I would concentrate on your nuclear family as your last Christmas as the three of you.

This. Stick to your guns, OP. She sounds very self-absorbed...

You are definitely not being unreasonable!! I am pregnant too, and haven't been travelling more than an hour away from 30 weeks because you just don't know what could happen.

Definitely one to stay firm on - and you should leave it to your other half to tell his mother, not you. Hopefully he is on the same page as you!

She sounds like my mother in law (awful 😂) but you just have to stay firm and say you will not be travelling to theirs, but they are welcome to come to you (if you are happy with that). Alternatively, they can miss out this Xmas. Not a big deal if they don't see you this Xmas as I imagine they will want to come and visit when the baby is here.

I have two January babies. For one I travelled to MIL - only 2.5 hours but it was hell. Traffic was bad, my back hurt, we had to stop twice for the loo. Got there and I'd taken a pregnancy pillow but the bed was so uncomfortable, the sofa was uncomfortable, there wasn't enough food, there was only 1 loo and my god the fuss when I tried to use it in the night. DH got no sleep as I was stuck in the spare room with him rather than going to sit on the sofa when I couldn't sleep.
For the next we stayed at home and I cooked for far too many people who sat on their arses while DH ran after the kids - but at least I could use the loo and sleep. And I wasn't in constant fear of being stuck going into labour far from home!

Tell your MIl of course you won't be going anywhere and neither will your DH.

A big fat no from me. Tell this selfish woman where to get off with her idiotic ideas. You won't be travelling and neither will your dh and dc

This.

I also wouldn't dream of having them for Christmas.

Put yourself first.

If your husband is not supportive of you, you have a real problem.

We have invited them to come over for Christmas, not my preference but if they really want to see my son that's the best I can offer. They don't tend to help around and I rather have a quiet Christmas and rest when I need to. To clarify, they haven't suggested my husband leaves me on Christmas, it would be over the next few weekends. I still find that she isn't completely aware of the situation and that we come as a package. Husband initially didn't want to engage in discussing it with me after I disagreed. He then said he understands. He finds it difficult to challenge his mum, always has. I have stepped away from giving my opinion when she starts questioning what/why we do things because it was getting to me and that isn't helpful.

What do you mean you come as a package?

Why can't your oh go and visit his family alone?

So by your update, over the next few weeks could mean now - November to early December. That is very different from you being on your own on Christmas day sobbing into an empty stocking.

Your DH could travel to his parents with your child for a few days before it even gets to December. Why not invite a friend over for a few days if you don't want to be on your own. It's a win win as you don't seem to like your MIL.

You may have decided you come as a package, but you married him knowing he had a family that he wants to see

Right I still have questions...

When you say over the next couple of weekends do you mean dh and Dc staying for one weekend? You can't possibly mean they're going to stay over there for a few weekends?

That's a hell of a way to travel. You must be opposite ends of the country. Just as a matter of interest have they always lived there? What's the dynamic? My first thought was they'd moved to the back of beyond when retiring etc and expect people to come to see them

How is the travelling split between you all. Do they travel to see you too?

But I understand they want to see their grandchild. And maybe the compromise is your dh going up sooner rather than later before you're too pregnant to be left alone and you get to chill at home in peace.

I think it would be fine for DH and DS to go for a weekend soon. That's very different to leaving you over Christmas which is what I thought you meant.

They have always lived up north. We stopped going so often because our dogs can't stay in their house which I totally respect. They have a small double bedroom where they expect us to sleep, no proper beds. I have suggested we stay at a near Airbnb so everyone has the space needed and we still see eachother. Husband keeps saying it is too expensive, etc. Which is just an excuse because I would pay half and have never said no to spending the money on that. My parents live abroad and I am very aware that visits to see family cost, that's just the way it is. But yeah maybe best that my son and husband travel before I get to my third trimester (in a couple of weeks).

YANBU at all! Get your husband onside and be clear about what works and does not work for you.

YANBU, when I was 20 weeks pregnant, I refused to go see in-laws that lived 3 hours away because with PGP I was far too uncomfortable sitting in a car for longer than 30 minutes. I wouldn't even consider travelling that far at that stage in pregnancy, what if you go into early labour or if there's any pregnancy complications? Just tell them they can come visit you once the baby is born.

I was packed for a similar length trip at 35 weeks. Uneventful pregnancy.. Went to hospital for a check up and had an emcs 4 hours later....
Your ils are bonkers... And bratty imo.
My mil fell out with us because dh refused to holiday with them when our prem dc was less than a month old. Wasn't even his due date!
Been nearly 8 years since we saw her! She saw ds twice.

I was all on your side until I read 'we come as a package'! That's just weird. Barring health/weeks pregnant I would think the best option this year is your husband take your son for a visit, then you have the quiet christmas you want without them

Sorry thats not clear, I mean your husband go for a visit well before christmas and your inlaws dont come to you for christmas this year

Absolutely out of the question at that stage of pregnancy!

They are being completely unreasonable. No way would I be travelling that far. If they want to see you, they need to come to you.

My second child came at 35 weeks so that would be a no for me. At that point of the pregnancy and in the Winter you just want to be cosy in your own home not travelling for hours in a car or being separated from your husband and child at Christmas. Tell them no and have your Christmas at home with your family.

Did your DHs mother ever have to spend Xmas without her DC when they were very young in order to keep her owN MIL happy? I’d guess not. Tell your DH to remind her that she had years of xmas’s with him growing up and now he needs to be there for his family. He will not be depriving his son and wife of each other’s company on Xmas day, and it’s too far a trip to make so close to the birth.

Absolutely do not travel at 35 weeks. Far too uncomfortable. I can’t believe your DC would even contemplate you taking this journey either. There will be other Christmas’s but this one is for your home only.