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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I gossiped and I feel terrible

43 replies

AnonyMouseToday · 01/11/2022 22:07

I know I'm unreasonable. I live by the motto 'if you can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all'. But recently I gossiped about someone (let's call her X) (nothing hugely bad, I just said x is "competitive but they r nice" and that their son is the teachers "favourite" which I ranted wasn't fair on the other kids. The person I was talking to said a few negative things about X and her son, and I went along with it and didn't stick up for x (or the son). If I'm really honest, I dont really feel much connection to X, and we wouldn't really be friends outside the times we have to see each other for our kids mutual interest, but she's always been nice to me. Her son is lovely and me being mean behind their back wasn't called for. I now feel terrible and I think X is blanking me and their friends are blanking me. I've got myself in a flat spin that they will all hate me forever and that they are now all gossiping about me and think I'm horrible. I see x and her friends several times a week and I feel so paranoid that they now hate me that I can't even look at them and am so anxious every time I see them.

I know it was very very wrong to gossip. I should NOT have done it, and i feel terrible which is deserved. I deserve all the guilt I feel. But I have to see x several times a week for the next few years and I don't know how to handle what I've done!

My husband said x probably doesn't know and didn't hear and that I'm being paranoid. But what if she did hear or someone else did and told her and she now hates me? I really like one of X's friends and their son, who is friends with my son, and I think she must hate me now too :(

Help! I'm driving myself crazy with how horrible I feel and I wish I had never ever said anything. I never normally ever gossip. I hate myself and am so anxious now when I see x or her friends that today I avoided them by hiding in the toilet like a 12 year old. (I'm a grown middle aged woman for heaven's sake)

Prepared to be told I'm horrible and deserve everything I get :( I am and I do :(

If someone gossiped about you, would you hate them? Would u forgive them? What should I do?

OP posts:
shivawn · 01/11/2022 22:10

I think you're overthinking this. Most people gossip at least a little, what you've described here sounds very mild.

BingBangBollocks · 01/11/2022 22:11

Well something has been said for them to blank you , apologise and own it

Fireballxl5 · 01/11/2022 22:18

OP I think your dh is right and you’re worrying unnecessarily.
I have a good friend who is always extremely competitive on her dc’s behalf and have sometimes agreed with other dm’s that brought it up over the years.
Our girls are adults now, my friend is still competitive and I still find this irritating.
But I’m sure she finds things me and dd do equally annoying and I wouldn’t be upset to hear so.
We’re all just flawed human beings.
If your remark gets mentioned just admit it and apologise.
And if you must gossip be choosy about who it’s with.

Original poster
AnonyMouseToday · 01/11/2022 22:21

Thanks fireball. I have learnt my lesson. I don't know how to react around her now. I can't keep hiding from her! Obviously if she says anything I'll apologise, but I dont know if she heard or knows etc and if I apologise when she was unaware it'll only make things worse :( god I'm an idiot.

OP posts:
BingBangBollocks · 01/11/2022 22:34

You're not an idiot , we've all been there but just own it

Original poster
AnonyMouseToday · 01/11/2022 22:38

Thanks BingBang. I'm worried if I apologise when actually she didn't know I'd said anything, I'll just make things worse! I already (prior to this gossip incident) thought her and friends thought I was weird, and was struggling to fit in etc... so I don't want to make life worse for myself by telling her I gossiped about her if she doesn't already know! Oh dear :(

OP posts:
BingBangBollocks · 01/11/2022 22:40

As I said , something has happened but don't bring it up unless they do
You did say it there's no getting away from it, so offer an apology if it does

Regularsizedrudy · 01/11/2022 22:44

How would she know? Do you mean she was near by or do you think your friend has told her?

You are hugely over thinking. I wouldn’t care if someone gossiped about me. Everyone’s got an opinion and you can’t be everyone’s cup of tea

Original poster
AnonyMouseToday · 01/11/2022 22:49

Thanks regularsizedrudy. I don't think x was there when I was chatting jk, but I was in a public place waiting for my son, where other parents were hanging about and I think I talk louder than I realise. I'm pretty sure I'd have seen X if she was there, but a few people were about and I'm just getting really paranoid one of them heard and knows x and told her what I said. Or that maybe x was there somewhere and I just didn't see her. The person I was talking to hasn't told her, she doesn't know anyone except me.

OP posts:
Original poster
AnonyMouseToday · 01/11/2022 22:49

BingBangBollocks · 01/11/2022 22:40

As I said , something has happened but don't bring it up unless they do
You did say it there's no getting away from it, so offer an apology if it does

Thanks BingBang

OP posts:
AiryFairyLights · 01/11/2022 23:08

If anything is said just own it and say something like "I'm so sorry, I was having a really shitty day and shouldn't have vented at yours or anyone else's expense"
If nothing is said, smile and be polite and carry on as normal - but never EVER gossip in public again 😉

Original poster
AnonyMouseToday · 01/11/2022 23:11

AiryFairyLights · 01/11/2022 23:08

If anything is said just own it and say something like "I'm so sorry, I was having a really shitty day and shouldn't have vented at yours or anyone else's expense"
If nothing is said, smile and be polite and carry on as normal - but never EVER gossip in public again 😉

Don't worry! I won't!! 😳

OP posts:
Ingrainedagainstthegrain · 01/11/2022 23:12

You're clearly a very nice person.

Allow yourself to make a mistake.

Original poster
AnonyMouseToday · 01/11/2022 23:14

Ingrainedagainstthegrain · 01/11/2022 23:12

You're clearly a very nice person.

Allow yourself to make a mistake.

Thank you. I really don't feel like a nice person right now.

OP posts:
Nancydrawn · 01/11/2022 23:23

AnonyMouseToday · 01/11/2022 23:14

Thank you. I really don't feel like a nice person right now.

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Of course you're a nice person. If you weren't, you wouldn't feel shitty about this.

You didn't do any big gossiping or say anything seriously cruel. You said that they were competitive but nice and that their son was a teacher's favourite. It's not hugely charitable, but it's not the slay of the century. You didn't say "Tom's mother is a total bitch and I can't stand her. She's pushy, she's competitive, and it's odd because she's really quite dim, too. And Tom! What a rat that kid is. Totally untalented but always gets put to the front because of his horrible mother. He's going to end up living at home forever because she's turning him so spineless." That would be cruel.

Give yourself a break.

AiryFairyLights · 01/11/2022 23:24

AnonyMouseToday · 01/11/2022 23:14

Thank you. I really don't feel like a nice person right now.

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If you weren't a nice person @AnonyMouseToday you wouldn't be feeling guilty and over thinking it. We all make mistakes - I've made some doozies over the years trust me - just cos we're legally adults doesn't mean we suddenly behave impeccably x Trust me, we all just don't it best to get through this crazy ride called life and learning along the way x
Go a bit easier on yourself xx

Original poster
AnonyMouseToday · 01/11/2022 23:39

Nancydrawn · 01/11/2022 23:23

Of course you're a nice person. If you weren't, you wouldn't feel shitty about this.

You didn't do any big gossiping or say anything seriously cruel. You said that they were competitive but nice and that their son was a teacher's favourite. It's not hugely charitable, but it's not the slay of the century. You didn't say "Tom's mother is a total bitch and I can't stand her. She's pushy, she's competitive, and it's odd because she's really quite dim, too. And Tom! What a rat that kid is. Totally untalented but always gets put to the front because of his horrible mother. He's going to end up living at home forever because she's turning him so spineless." That would be cruel.

Give yourself a break.

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Thanks :) made me laugh and does make me feel a bit better!

OP posts:
Original poster
AnonyMouseToday · 01/11/2022 23:39

AiryFairyLights · 01/11/2022 23:24

If you weren't a nice person @AnonyMouseToday you wouldn't be feeling guilty and over thinking it. We all make mistakes - I've made some doozies over the years trust me - just cos we're legally adults doesn't mean we suddenly behave impeccably x Trust me, we all just don't it best to get through this crazy ride called life and learning along the way x
Go a bit easier on yourself xx

Show quote history

Thank you AiryFairy

OP posts:
PrincessNutella · 01/11/2022 23:58

Definitely don't apologize preemptively! She may not have heard anything and then you will make her feel bad for no reason. Honestly, people are much more interested in themselves than each other (despite the gossipy lady), so X probably doesn't devote that much time thinking about you because that takes a lot of energy. If she is frowny around you, it's probably because she has some bill to pay or her foot hurts.

MyTabbyCats · 02/11/2022 00:07

One of the biggest regrets of my life was not apologising to a friend I gossiped about in school. She was my best childhood friend. I stupidly told a mutual friend that my bestie had been ‘annoying’ recently. Mutual friend repeated this to my bestie. Bestie blanked me for 6 years. I was too ashamed to knock on her door and say sorry. I accepted her stonewalling as my deserved punishment. I’ve always regretted not approaching her with an apology. We were such great friends.

I do think you may be worrying unnecessarily though. Most people don’t repeat gossip to others. I would just approach X with a ‘hello’ and see how it goes. Good luck.

78Summer · 02/11/2022 00:13

I would not worry. All people gossip - research says it drives social bonding. Competitive could be seen as a compliment. You are a good person or you would not be worrying about it. Go easy on yourself.

ashitghost · 02/11/2022 00:15

If she does know, then my bet is the woman who you were gossiping with will be the one who told her.

I doubt there are many people who haven’t gossiped at some times in their lives. It’s human nature and not the crime of the century. You sound like a nice person who said a few things out of character. Try to get it in perspective and not worry too much.

ialwayswantedyoutogo · 02/11/2022 00:32

you’re only feeling bad about it because you think it’s affected your life negatively 🙄

pinkpotatoez · 02/11/2022 00:37

I've said far worse in the heat of the moment. It's very easy to get wrapped up in gossiping when you're already pissed off at the person being gossiped about. Everyone gossips sometimes, give yourself a break!

Highly doubt she knows unless the other mum told her, but then you can say " hang on, she said worse! ", if that's the game she wants to play. Honestly, don't worry and act like normal when you see her.

ProperSorryFrown · 02/11/2022 00:50

If you didn't think they knew you wouldn't be at all bothered. Agree with poster above that you are only concerned you've been caught out.