To change dc school over cliquey bs?

[RagingWoke]

I'll caveat this with I am very stressed in general and have my own complex history with social anxiety and bullying.

My dd is 7, in a small-ish school and has been there since reception. I've noticed the last year or so the dynamics are getting uncomfortable (and the cliquey mum groups don't help). My dd always seems to be the one left out, her teacher says she appears to have friends and doesn't seem to struggle/always plays with someone or a group at play times but she's never invited to parties or play dates while I see most of the others do.

One of the mums, a bit of ring leader in the cliques has been fucking awful, I've been friendly with her since the dd were babies in nursery together but hers recently got into football and is obviously no one else could possibly be as talented as her dc (who are twins and this plus football is their entire identity and they are treat like some kind of messiah because they happen to be twins)... a few things have wound me up this last week like her saying 'oh you're so lucky your dd isn't as fit or good at everything like mine!' And 'your weekends must be great because dd doesn't get invited to these parties you are so lucky she isn't popular like mine!'. She's a 7 year old kid ffs, take shots at me fine but why her? This has been getting progressively worse over the last year or so and I suspect things have been said to other parents.
Most other parents ignore me completely, most grew up here and know each other while I moved just before dd was born and no roots locally plus I work ft which isn't common at this school.

Tonight I saw photos from the school about a draw (names in a hat) they did where x number of dc won a day out. Wouldn't you know the twins won... they win every single competition and every time they'll run up to my dd 'we won and you didn't! Haha' type of thing and the mum almost joins in 'you couldn't do it anyway could you? You can't run ad fast as/do this as well as the twins' (again, this is an adult talking to a 7 year old!). I know the school don't do these things fairly but I feel like they could at least try to hide it!

My dd is a lovely little girl, a bit quiet so not often recognised in class because she just gets on. Which is fine, that's her and she's doing well, has lots of interests of her own and knows her own mind (also can't be arsed with any drama so just walks off when bickering starts). I think she might do better with a fresh start in a new school, but dh thinks I'm overreacting and has had a strop at me when I brought it up.
I know my own issues may cloud my thinking, but conscious bias isn't necessarily a bad thing.

I would give her a long look and say "Jane, you do realise you're having a pop at a seven year old, don't you?". The woman is either a moron or a bitch, and either way, you need to speak up and challenge her.

If it is a good school and your daughter has people to play with and is doing well academically then leave her. In a few years the kids decide who they want to play with and invite over and the bitchy mums get less of a say.

Don’t know if I could keep quiet to the mean mum and ask outright “Did you just call a child my child not fit?”

Does she literally say you are lucky your child isn't good at everything like mine? Or are you maybe projecting some kind of feelings onto her? If she literally says that then that's inexcusable

I do understand a lot of what you’ve said and empathise. It’s hard when you’ve had a bad experience yourself at school as it does tarnish your feelings and perspective. But I don’t think anything you’ve said is OTT at all.

From my personal experience, if I don’t like something I go to the head or the parents directly. I have one DD and if she’s purposefully been emotionally hurt I’ll message the parent and say exactly what’s happened. I don’t actually care what they think as long as my child isn’t subjected to pain. I’ll also go to the headteacher if I’m not happy with something. Again, I just want something done.

DD is happy and sociable but is also quiet and not one to make a fuss. I advocate for her because no one did for me and I was sometimes painfully unhappy and isolated as a child, wondering around the playground asking kids to play and being told ‘it’s a three player game’ etc. Whatever number didn’t include me.

Luckily we’ve only had a few issues at our school. I’ve only had to message a parent once and talk to the headteacher three or four times and DD is in year 5. But if it was constant I’d seriously consider taking her out and moving her definitely. In your shoes, I’d go visit other schools and get a feel for them. It seems like a big step to move school but actually I wish my parents had made the effort to do it for me.

What is this winning a day out thing?!
You say they win competitions, but then you make it sound more like they’re selected for competitions.
Is this a state school?
If it’s really true that they always get “randomly” selected, you should speak to the school. But if it’s not random, it’s selection on perceived ability then that’s not always unfair. My kids always used to get selected for primary area sports - never did for the music stuff though!

Nothing you’ve said about your daughter (rather than you) would cause me to move her school.

Is your daughter happy? If she is I wouldn't move her but would disengage from the parent you don't like,

Can you take solace in the fact that this woman is clearly complete insane and making an absolute fool out of herself. That kind of behaviour and language, if true, is incredibly embarrassing and surely all the other parents must see this? Teasing and bullying a small child- bizarre behaviour!! I’d leave your DD for now if settled but address this parents behaviour.

I’d be tempted to mov eher but it’s impossible to say without knowing what the other school options are. Any class will have the mean girls, and by moving late you’ll have nossed the friendliest years. That said this mum sounds toxic and vicious and if she’s bullying your child and you, which it sounds like she is, a fresh start might well help.

I call her out, can't tell if she's genuinely so self involved she doesn't see the issue or just not that bright and I'm being too subtle.

Maybe insecurity, my dd is the youngest in the year and is academically ahead of her dc who are among the oldest. I haven't told her that but kids talk so she'll know. I have no doubts one day I'll react before i know it but also worry I'll make life harder for dd if that happens.

Ive suggested to dh he takes over school runs because all he gets is praise for being such a super dad taking time out to collect his kid while the awful wife is at home working bringing in the primary income for the family sits at home on her arse 🙄

Have you invited other children for play dates? Most parents are polite enough to reciprocate if you’ve had their child round. Does your DD talk about her friends? What does she say if you ask her who she played with today? If she is happy then leave her for now at least.

The other big question is what the alternative is. Is there another good school nearby?

Ah OP I think your own history is clouding your judgement here, you need to take a step back and stop giving this woman any more space in your head. Disengage with her , don’t bother making it into a drama - life is too short to waste your time with self centred asshats , if you see her smile and nod and go find someone else to talk to or even whip your phone out and look at that.

(Once you’ve done it once it becomes easier and easier over time - I guarantee!!)

The best thing you can teach your DD is not to care what other people are doing /saying, there are some people who will always try and come off better/put others down/ but in the grand scheme of things other peoples lives are irrelevant to you and your DD and your own happy home life.

What is this day out that they won?

I agree with *testina

I think you do sound very stressed, and a overwhelmed. And it is horrible
To feel like that - I wonder if you yourself begin to feel feelings of rejection around the same age as ur daughter which are now re-emerging. If you have funds for a counsellor I'd recommend that. Hope things improve soon.

ignore the awful ringleader lady. just blank her.

look for who else in the mums is not in the 'gang'. maybe someone who is working and doesn't always do pickups, or someone who is quiet. make friends with them. invite them & child to playdates etc.

if your child is happy at the school, let her get on with it and ignore the playground politics of the adults.

It was a draw, names in a hat to win this experience day trip no ability needed. But actually the kids that won are the same ones that win everything. I don't think it was a genuine draw from a hat as they said because it's is genuinely the same group of dc for everything, I'm not that bothered my dd didn't get to go as she wasn't that interested but is naturally upset at the 'ha ha you didn't go and we did'.

On the surface of it I'd say it's an overreaction to change schools but if there genuinely are not many families who have not known each other since school it may be difficult to break into the clique. Think the issue is the small school. Are there others more on the edge of the clique that you can buddy up with?

I understand your anxiety as I went to many different schools due to moving a lot so worried myself silly over my kids happiness etc etc.

Your DD seems to be happy and thriving so the problem here seems to be the queen bee mother/bully. If she comes out with this stuff and her kids start repeating it in the playground it could turn into bullying - speak to Head of Year to make them aware. If DD becomes unhappy ask for her to be moved to another class. Like another poster said, pretend to be on your phone if she’s around!

If your daughter is happy at school and DP is able to take over at the school gates, I'd withdraw yourself from the situation. The most significant friendship issues I had at school were actually caused by my mother falling out with another girl's mother - I can understand how close you are to snapping (I would be too!) but if you end up feuding with this woman, it might impact on your child.

It sounds like one of those trips that are for children from disadvantaged families where they say it’s a draw so the kids don’t know why.

But yeah, she definitely sounds like one of the mothers where you’re glad when the primary school days end!

Yes I've had her friends over and never had an invite for dd since year 1. I get not everyone can though with multiple dc at home and things but I do feel it's partly down to the mum cliques as the play dates are generally between the mum group friends. I've tried so hard to be friendly over the years but got nowhere. it's so odd because it's the opposite with my toddler and his nursery friends! The parents are all so lovely and we do play dates/parties, chat at pick ups, text so I'm not completely socially incompetent.

I know the other school she'd go to, she has a friend there already and it's a good school about 5 minutes further away. It's also the secondary she'll be going to. We also know a few of the teachers there including the one who would be her class teacher for this year.

You say that academically your dd is doing well, that she has friends and people to play with. Why then would you move her? School is about learning and growing both academically and socially. It sounds like your dd is managing both perfectly well. School is not for parents to socialise and make friends. It sounds like you want to move your dd because you haven't made friends in the playground.

I hope you’re challenging this woman when she speaks to your daughter like that?

Does the woman honestly say exactly what you said or were you paraphrasing? I can't believe anyone would talk that that.

'oh you're so lucky your dd isn't as fit or good at everything like mine!' And 'your weekends must be great because dd doesn't get invited to these parties you are so lucky she isn't popular like mine!'
Hmmm, really? She said those things?
Those actual words? No projection going on here?

You said your dd is happy? Why would you mess with that because you have an issue?