To change dc school over cliquey bs?

[RagingWoke]

I'll caveat this with I am very stressed in general and have my own complex history with social anxiety and bullying.

My dd is 7, in a small-ish school and has been there since reception. I've noticed the last year or so the dynamics are getting uncomfortable (and the cliquey mum groups don't help). My dd always seems to be the one left out, her teacher says she appears to have friends and doesn't seem to struggle/always plays with someone or a group at play times but she's never invited to parties or play dates while I see most of the others do.

One of the mums, a bit of ring leader in the cliques has been fucking awful, I've been friendly with her since the dd were babies in nursery together but hers recently got into football and is obviously no one else could possibly be as talented as her dc (who are twins and this plus football is their entire identity and they are treat like some kind of messiah because they happen to be twins)... a few things have wound me up this last week like her saying 'oh you're so lucky your dd isn't as fit or good at everything like mine!' And 'your weekends must be great because dd doesn't get invited to these parties you are so lucky she isn't popular like mine!'. She's a 7 year old kid ffs, take shots at me fine but why her? This has been getting progressively worse over the last year or so and I suspect things have been said to other parents.
Most other parents ignore me completely, most grew up here and know each other while I moved just before dd was born and no roots locally plus I work ft which isn't common at this school.

Tonight I saw photos from the school about a draw (names in a hat) they did where x number of dc won a day out. Wouldn't you know the twins won... they win every single competition and every time they'll run up to my dd 'we won and you didn't! Haha' type of thing and the mum almost joins in 'you couldn't do it anyway could you? You can't run ad fast as/do this as well as the twins' (again, this is an adult talking to a 7 year old!). I know the school don't do these things fairly but I feel like they could at least try to hide it!

My dd is a lovely little girl, a bit quiet so not often recognised in class because she just gets on. Which is fine, that's her and she's doing well, has lots of interests of her own and knows her own mind (also can't be arsed with any drama so just walks off when bickering starts). I think she might do better with a fresh start in a new school, but dh thinks I'm overreacting and has had a strop at me when I brought it up.
I know my own issues may cloud my thinking, but conscious bias isn't necessarily a bad thing.

I don't want to make friends in the playground, wouldn't do that in a new school either in fairness as the pick up situation doesn't allow for standing around chatting. I'd like to be able to collect my dd from school without someone hounding me about how shit she thinks my kid is or people literally turning their backs when they see me walk in the gate and any knock on from that when kids repeat what the parents say and do but other than that I've got plenty of friends and don't need anymore.

If this woman is running your daughter down to your face why on earth have you not put her straight and told her to not bother speaking to you anymore because she's an awful woman picking at a 7 year old child?

@CJsGoldfish word for word. I acknowledge my own bias, i understand it and have learned through years of therapy and professional training how to step back and assess. She really is that cringey and obvious, everything is a competition and she has to one up every little thing.

Thing is, there will be awful parents at the next school. Every single school probably has them. The reason these parents continue to be awful is because nobody stands up to them. Take the advice from the first person who replied to this thread - ask her why on earth she is dissing a child.

Honestly I'd move her. The other parent's sound awful and as your little girl grows the other parent's comments will chip at her self esteem. The other school sounds like a better fit and you don't have to feel anxious. I've moved my children's schools for various reasons and i know i made the right decision.

This sounds mostly about you you you OP.

This is your child's school, if the parents wind you up ignore them and just put your child's happiness first.

If she's miserable (and she doesn't really sound as though she is) then move her, but forget about all this stupid parent stuff.

I must admit I rolled my eyes when I read that too.

You sound unhappy not your DD and so I wouldn't consider it.

Also on the play date cliquey stuff when the kids are old enough to sort their own dates out I'm sure this will change. My DS was often not asked as a lot of the parents were friendly and naturally just asked each other's kids, but they didn't all stay friends at all, as soon as they were old enough to really choose their own friends.

It sounds like your child is thriving. The amount of influence parents have over play dates quickly dissolves. Kids like who they like and parent friendships tend to become separate. If your child has friends she’ll be fine.

If a parent actually said that to me I’d say something similar to what has already been suggested or just snort with laughter and walk away. I’d say she’s seething that your child is ahead academically. She’s mean and insecure and you need to give her no more headspace.

Sooner or later your DD will notice that she isn’t going to parties or play dates. The parents influence will go on for a long time yet. It might be best to move her before her confidence is knocked.

Also if you are moving DD you need to do it before her younger sibling starts school. You don’t want to move the younger one after they’ve settled & kids at different schools would be very difficult.

Ummmm - I am another one, suspicious that twin mum used those actual words. Also, do you really think 7 year olds are comparing themselves academically? Children talk about who is good at drawing or football not league tables.

Your post doesn't say that your DD is unhappy or if SHE feels left out. If she wasn't fussed about the draw day out activity then don't give it head space? The teachers say she has friends and she seems to be doing well. Just ignore the adult drama.

Out of interest, if the new school is 5 minutes away, you know children and teachers there - why wasn't that your first choice?

Op.

what was your experience like at school?

do you have close friends as an adult?

do you often have falling out with friends? And / or feel left out?

Just seen you started a thread last week and said the following

I know my reactions aren't always typical to things and I'm so harsh on myself. I don't have a lot of friends because I can't handle that much social pressure but also really struggle to form friendships. I've assumed for years it was because I was bullied at school,

I think that is important context in your view on this situation with your dd

her teacher says she appears to have friends and doesn't seem to struggle/always plays with someone or a group at play times but she's never invited to parties or play dates while I see most of the others do.

My dd is a lovely little girl, a bit quiet so not often recognised in class because she just gets on. Which is fine, that's her and she's doing well, has lots of interests of her own and knows her own mind (also can't be arsed with any drama so just walks off when bickering starts). I think she might do better with a fresh start in a new school, but dh thinks I'm overreacting and has had a strop at me when I brought it up.

Your daughter doesn't have a problem at her school.
YOU have a problem with Twins Mum.
Your DH is correct. You are projecting all your insecurity/anger about mum cliques onto her instead of allowing her to navigate her own school life.

Suppose you changed her school?
Put her through all that disruption & having to be the new girl ... how are YOU going to manage when you realise that cliques exist everywhere, & you are going to run into mums who make you feel just as insecure as Twins Mum?

Just came on to say your daughter sounds ace. Love her walking away when bickering starts! What a fab little girl you have there.

As for the cliquey vibe, ugh sounds awful
and something I’m not looking forward to when my little boy goes to school 😬

Why are you advising OP to remove her child from a school she's doing perfectly well at @sailinginthemed?

The CHILD is not unhappy. The MOTHER is. She is prepared to uproot her daughter so that she herself can avoid the bitchy Twins Mother. She has failed to consider that cliques exist in every school, & given her sensitivity to it, she is bound to encounter a Twins Mum-alike wherever she sends her daughter.

I call her out, can't tell if she's genuinely so self involved she doesn't see the issue or just not that bright and I'm being too subtle.
Either don't engage AT ALL - or stop being subtle.
"You're embarrassing yourself again Jane" should do it.
If you can't be that blunt - Grey Rock her & don't respond to her nonsense at all.

Maybe insecurity, my dd is the youngest in the year and is academically ahead of her dc who are among the oldest. I haven't told her that but kids talk so she'll know. I have no doubts one day I'll react before i know it but also worry I'll make life harder for dd if that happens.
You are overthinking this.
Twins Mum & her unfortunate remarks are nothing to do with you.
They can only affect you if you allow them to.
Instead of taking her so seriously, why don't you decide to find her amusing? I would be laughing long & hard at anybody so ridiculously precious.

Ive suggested to dh he takes over school runs because all he gets is praise for being such a super dad taking time out to collect his kid while the awful wife is at home working bringing in the primary income for the family sits at home on her arse 🙄
I can assure you that nobody else is hyperfocused on where parent 1 is when it's parent 2's turn for the school run.
Have you received any help for the extreme level of analysis & worry you are pouring into people you see in passing for not even 10 minutes a day? Some counselling for self-esteem, or CBT for anxiety?