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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Son doesn’t want to attend an activity, do I force him to go?

32 replies

DoesntWantToGo · 01/11/2022 16:50

DS is 8, he started attending an activity about 6 months ago (think Scouts/Cubs/Beavers etc). To start with, he loved it. He has SEN and adhd and constantly moves and needs stimulating. The activity was perfect for it! Recently, he’s been saying he doesn’t want to go just before we get ready to leave. He loves it when he’s there, and says how much he enjoys it and wants to go next week. He also uses up loads of energy in a healthy way, and has friend there to play with. But when I pick him up from school the day of the activity, he starts saying no he doesn’t want to go. Now I don’t want to push him and force him to do something he doesn’t want to. But at the same time, I don’t want him to give in too easily and then regret it later (there’s a waiting list, it took a year for him to get his place). I also don’t want to waste my time and money every week if he’s saying he doesn’t want to go. But he loves it when he’s there. I had suggested that he goes until the end of the year, and if he’s still not sure, then he can leave. But my mam says I’m being mean and shouldn’t force him to go, even though he loves it when he’s there.

so wise mumsnetters, what do I do?

YANBU- try and get him to go for a few more weeks and see if he changes his mind
YABU- don’t force him, save my money for something else

OP posts:
BHRK · 01/11/2022 16:52

This is always tricky but I do try and encourage my kids to go. If they still hate it after a few months then I let them quit. But i usually say “I’ve paid til end of term so let’s reassess then…”

Mahanii · 01/11/2022 16:52

I always force my kids to do activities IF I can tell they are enjoying it. It is part of adhd to whirlwind from one activity to the next and get bored once the excitement wears off. It is part of parenting to teach our child to stick with things if they are good for us.

FLOWER1982 · 01/11/2022 16:53

I would give it’s other month and see what happens. If he really isn’t enjoying it /saying he doesn’t want to go, then take him out.
When my dc started swimming lessons he cried for the first 3, he really didn’t like it. We persevered and he loves it now.

Solasum · 01/11/2022 16:53

I always give lots of snacks on the way to activities when they are temporarily out of favour, and don’t really engage with discussions about not wanting to go. They always seem to come around in the end

MithrilCostsMore · 01/11/2022 16:53

If they enjoy it whilst they are there I always made them go. If they didn't, that was fair enough.

Dacadactyl · 01/11/2022 16:53

What would he be doing if he didn't go to this activity? Would he be gaming or doing something more constructive?

In this house, the kids can give up activities if they pick another one to try instead OR if they understand that they are banned from screens during the time they'd usually be doing the activity they want to give up. And then I stick to it rigidly.

I think extra curricular activities are important.

x2boys · 01/11/2022 16:54

He sounds like he has anxiety about it ,if he actuslly enjoys it when he gets there ,
Has he said why he doesnt want to go?

lifeturnsonadime · 01/11/2022 16:55

Are you having to 'force him' in the literal sense to go or is he just needing encouragement.

If it's the former then stop if the later then it's probably just a transition issue.

Is he able to vocalise the issue? Have you spoken to the leaders about the issue and whether there might be something going on there that you are unaware of?

BuryingAcorns · 01/11/2022 16:56

use the 'agree but don't change plans' tactic.

DS: I don't want to go to cubs today
You: I know. You never feel like it after a tiring day at school. You need a good break and some dinner.
You - 15 minutes befofe it's time to go: DS, into uniform. Let's go to cubs and see your friend. Aren't you doing X fun activity this week?

I let DS drop a few activities but insisted he stuck with the one he enjoyed when he got there. He's glad now as he's become very good at it.

madnesss · 01/11/2022 16:59

No, I never forced mine. The only thing he will learn is that you are not listening to him which is the most important thing he needs from you.

Original poster
DoesntWantToGo · 01/11/2022 17:04

@Solasum hes actually very foody (I think because he moves so much he’s starving!) so I always make his favourite meal before going, so he eats nicely and has the positive association :)

@Dacadactyl he doesn’t watch tv or play on games. He doesn’t like anything that requires sitting down, which is why I was so happy when he started this. If we weren’t there, he would probably be playing outside. Nothing productive, but not sitting on a screen :)

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Original poster
DoesntWantToGo · 01/11/2022 17:06

@x2boys hes not nervous or anxious that I can tell. It’s more like he just doesn’t fancy it. As soon as we arrive he’s running around and playing, he always chews his clothes when he’s worried and he never does that before or during the activity

@lifeturnsonadime I’m not dragging him, but he just says he doesn’t want to go. Lots of whinging and delaying. Doesn’t want to put on his clothes, doesn’t want to get ready. I usually cajole him along by focusing on everything a bit at a time, rather than saying we are going?

OP posts:
Original poster
DoesntWantToGo · 01/11/2022 17:08

@BuryingAcorns i like that idea. I might try it tomorrow and see how it goes, rhanks!

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erinaceus · 01/11/2022 17:11

Have you talked to him about it outside of just before/after a session, to see if he has an opinion then?

BabyofMine · 01/11/2022 17:17

Could it be that he doesn’t like the process of getting ready? Does he need special clothes he has to find, do they get lost or are they not somewhere easy to reach? Could you streamline everything so it’s all ready for him so getting ready for the activity is REALLY easy? Ie literally laying out his clothes ready, packing his bag or equipment needed etc (Not saying you don’t already do this but just in case!)

Movingsoon21 · 01/11/2022 17:17

It might be more that he doesn’t want to leave the house than that he doesn’t want to go to the specific activity. I often felt like that as a child - once I was home from school I hated the thought of going back outside, but once I was out I enjoyed it.

good idea to just focus on one thing at a time - I.e. let’s get your clothes on, let’s get your shoes on, rather than “let’s go to Beavers”. Is there anything he really likes that you could only give him when he’s in the car going to this activity?

StrataZon · 01/11/2022 17:29

Activities are important for children but I never force mine to continue something they don't want to go to. My mum did this and I never forgave her!
BUT mine always understand they are signing up for the term snd they can't just drop out.. If they leave we must give the leader notice they are leaving at end of term.

I also made sure, at that age, if they dropped an activity it was replaced with something else.

Does he go to other activities? If so I'd try and explore further with him what it is he doesn't like about this one and what else he would like to do instead.

romdowa · 01/11/2022 17:34

Its the adhd that is making him do this. Even as an adult I get this way. I love doing something but I just can't get started . I was the same as a child too but was never encountered to push through and go. My advice is to say to him to go and once he gets there if he decides he still doesn't want to attend ,you'll take him home . But no pressure , no talking about cost and how long it took to get his place, as this will just compound the shame he already feels for not wanting or not being able mentally to go.

Maray1967 · 01/11/2022 17:55

If you know he loves it when he’s there then get him to go. Both of mine have done the ‘I don’t want to go today’ routine and I always said they needed to stick at it. DS 1 now an adult would have dropped out of his main activity that he loves if I’d let him do this ten years ago.

It’s different if they actually don’t like it - I’d agree with the pp about saying they’ve made a commitment especially if it’s a team thing for a term but they can give it up afterwards.

If it’s really not good, ie they are being ignored while there, which happened once to one of mine which I witnessed, then I would take them out of it straightaway.

Goldbar · 01/11/2022 18:16

I would make him go but tell him that if he doesn't want to take part when there, he can sit the activity out with me. This is what I do with my DC when they refuse to do swimming or any other activity and it's amazing how quickly they get into it when there.

2bazookas · 01/11/2022 18:36

talk to activity leader and see if there's some reason?

If all else fails, call DC#s bluff. "I don't want to go" "Okay, you don't have to go." (no further comment or questions). See how that works.

PutYourShoesOnWereLate · 01/11/2022 18:38

As an adult, I do wish sometimes that there was someone to force me out to activities that I know I would enjoy when I got there. Its just getting out of the house which is too big a hurdle sometimes.

purpleme12 · 01/11/2022 18:44

If I know my child likes the activity or will like it, yes I do make her go.
Also, if I always made it her choice we might never go to stuff (even stuff she loves)
Sometimes you have to make the decision for them

Original poster
DoesntWantToGo · 01/11/2022 18:47

@BabyofMine its literally just a t-shirt or jumper which I have ready in hit wardrobe and help him put on. He has sensory issues with clothes, but these don’t cause any problems

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Original poster
DoesntWantToGo · 01/11/2022 18:52

Thanks everyone. It looks like my plan to stick it out to the end of the year is the general advice. A couple of people mentioned about issues when he’s there? There’s never anything. The leader is amazing and very understanding of his needs. I always stay and he always joins in as soon as he arrives. He checks in with me sometimes, but I help out so he never has any problems finding me

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