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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to worry about my Mum

41 replies

rosebushfromhell · 01/11/2022 12:37

I dont know where to put this so please bare with me. Also I've tried to write this out five times because I was just spewing things out.

My Mother is almost 70 and she's worrying me. She's started going to church - It's just down the road from her house, doesnt take her long to get there. She's enjoying talking to people and making a few new friends. I dont mind her going to church. It gets her out of the house and doing things other than looking after my Dad, who my brother looks after at the weekends (friday to sunday) to give her a break. She's been going there for about three-ish months and in that time: She's gone vegan which is great, she wants to eat healthily and I support that and she's converted to Christianity which I think might be the problem here.

She'll go on for hours and hours how this is bad and that is bad, her favourite. She often tells me how "God" is angry at me for having an abortion when I was sixteen, I was assaulted and she knows that but she'll still drum it in that I was wrong to have "murdered" my baby. She's constantly trying to take the kids to Church to "save them" - They dont want to go, they've told her hundreds of times. They're eight and thirteen and they know their minds. Im not forcing two boys to do something they dont want. She'll call me a bad Mother because Im not "raising my kids to fear God" But when I tell her she raised me the way I raise my kids I get a mouthful. I never went to church as a little one. Our weekends were spent going to the seaside or maybe camping or the zoo, eating too many treats, maybe watching Disney films - Something she suddenly hates. She suddenly can't stand Disney films and when I ask why she never has an explanation

It all came to a head this morning when she asked if we celebrated Halloween. I said we sort of did but it wasn't a big deal, we had some sweets and played some games then watched a few films. Halloween isnt a big holiday to us like Christmas is. She hit the ROOF. I put her on speaker while she ranted for fifteen minutes about how Halloween is the "work of the devil" before hanging up and sobbing while my partner took the boys out - I dont think I can cry anymore today

This isnt my Mum. At all. I dont know what to do, Im not sure if she's unwell or if this is the early stages of Dementia or Alzheimers because I'm unsure of what it looks like. If I suggest talking to someone other than the pastor at her church she tells me off like a naughty schoolgirl. I think maybe I need slapping about and telling to mind my business. I honestly dont know how to address this. It's gotten so bad Im considering going LC

AIBU to worry about this?

OP posts:
PollyAmour · 01/11/2022 12:45

My MIL became indoctrinated into some cultish new age Christian church after FIL passed away. She started going out of loneliness, then it became her entire world and reason for living. She was also handing over large sums of money to the church. DH and his 2 brothers were really worried, also concerned about early onset dementia and the church taking advantage of a lonely widow.

However, 3 years down the line, the obsession has gone. I'm not sure what happened - I think perhaps someone at the church overstepped the mark, but she stopped going there, and started attending a conventional Church of England church. She has proper friends from church now, no signs of dementia, and says herself she got swept up in the new age thing because she felt lost after FIL was no longer there.

I'm not sure what to advise, other than ignore the preaching. Don't cut her off entirely though, some of these churches aren't run by good people, and she may need your support and reassurance in the future.

Girlsontour · 01/11/2022 12:45

As a prcaticing Catholic whose brand of Christianity sounds nothing like this, it does sound very intense. TBH she sounds lonely that she decided to start going to the Church down the road and has thrown herself into it this much. All the ranting and ravimg does sound frankly bizarre but seems a symptom more of the style of her church rather than dementia.

Girlsontour · 01/11/2022 12:49

You can tell her that most Christians from traditional Churches wouldn't agree with her approach and what she is saying. Any Church that interfers with loving family relationships isn't a healthy one.

Original poster
rosebushfromhell · 01/11/2022 12:51

@PollyAmour I know she wont give any money away. I think my brother and his partner handle their finances with my Dad's permission. This is honestly scaring me

@Girlsontour - I felt stupid for mentioning anything about dementia. But honestly this is scaring me and boggling my mind. We never went to church when I was a little one. My brother and sister hated going anywhere that wasn't the local park or on a small trip away from home

OP posts:
PeterPomegranate · 01/11/2022 12:55

My mum has been a practicing Christian all my life. She does not behave like this.

It sounds very intense. I would find the comments about your abortion very hard. And not very Christian quite frankly.

i think you need to put in place some boundaries for your own good (if you carry on about Halloween afger I’ve told you im not interested I will put the phone down) but leave the door open to other conversations that aren’t pushing her beliefs on to you.

Girlsontour · 01/11/2022 12:55

Of course it could be something about dementia but my husband is a Neurologist and I have heard him say that sudden religiosity is a sign! What is the name and denomination of the Church? If she has changed her diet it could be Seventh Day Adventist.

CluelessAtClothing · 01/11/2022 12:55

@rosebushfromhell what do your dad and brother say about all this?

Girlsontour · 01/11/2022 12:56

* opps NEVER heard him say

Original poster
rosebushfromhell · 01/11/2022 13:00

@CluelessAtClothing My brother's just as worried as I am. Thats why he took over their finances with Dad's permission. Dad didnt want her giving over their Money. My sister? Not sure what she makes of it, I dont talk to her (No contact after she insulted my kids on their skin colour)

OP posts:
FabulouslyFab · 01/11/2022 13:01

God is Love
You might remind your Mum of that the next time she has a go at you.

Girlsontour · 01/11/2022 13:04

Finding out the denomination will establish how mainstream it is and what their beliefs are. Can you look online and find out? Then we could give you more information thar could help.

Original poster
rosebushfromhell · 01/11/2022 13:06

@Girlsontour I think its an Evangelical church, not too sure with denominations and such. As I've sgtated I never went as a kid. With a pastor who gives me the ick. He's there whenever I take the kids to visit, which is another story in itself

OP posts:
Girlsontour · 01/11/2022 13:07

Can you look on the website and see?

PollyAmour · 01/11/2022 13:09

I agree with the posters who say you need to find out the denomination of the church she attends. MIL's wasn't associated with any known religious group, other than Christianity. I think she became part of a cult.

Mischance · 01/11/2022 13:10

What sort of church is this that she has found? Sounds like fundamentalist/evangelical claptrap.

What a worry for you.

I do think that you need to simply say to her that you do not share her beliefs and that she is not to raise them with you or the children. Say you are happy to welcome her to your home, but the topic is off limits and there is no negotiation.

You do not want her putting the fear of god (literally) into your children.

Original poster
rosebushfromhell · 01/11/2022 13:10

@Girlsontour It's an Evangelical church from what the Website is telling me. Im not digging too much into the website because honestly it's just making me roll my eyes

OP posts:
Girlsontour · 01/11/2022 13:21

😄😄 Its mostly cos I was trying to establish if it was Seveth Day Adventist (SDA) or not. They have very strict diets and were started by an American woman called Ellen G White in the 1840s; they believe that the Sabbath is on Saturday rather than Sunday. Otherwise they are very evangelical in style.

It just helps to know what you are dealing with and to make sure its not something that truly is a cult.

FictionalCharacter · 01/11/2022 13:25

She’s not going to listen to you, so LC is the only way until she comes to her senses, if she ever does. She has no right to use you as a punchbag and scream this idiocy in front of your children. Normal life for you and them should come before indulging her.

2bazookas · 01/11/2022 13:26

Your Mum has a perfect right to find friends and companionship at her new church.

You have a perfect right to live your own values and prevent your DC being exposed to views you disapprove of. (about sex, race, fake news etc)

You need to have a frank talk with Mum and say

" DH and I have different beliefs and we hold ours just as strongly as you hold yours,. DH and I are drawing a boundary line that includes the children. We will never mention your church and its beliefs to them or you.. You will never mention your church and its beliefs to us or the children.
We really really hope you'll agree to this as we and the children love you."

If she has any sense she will do her best.

We've had a similar issue in our extended family (beloved person committed to JW's) and that's how we've made it work.

Girlsontour · 01/11/2022 13:29

Also if you know the denomination I can give you some theological responses that could stop your mum saying this stuff to you! Sometimes you can stop people in their tracks by using their own terms. Neutralize them 😄

Original poster
rosebushfromhell · 01/11/2022 13:34

@2bazookas I dont mind that she goes to church. I mind that she's fallen victim to something. Im worried she's fallen victim to a cult.

If someone wants to go to church and find a few friends? Thats amazing. But what's not okay to me is her telling my children things like they wont go to heaven because Mum and Dad arent married. Thats not her usual behaviour. AT ALL

OP posts:
Girlsontour · 01/11/2022 13:34

I agree with @2bazookas

Juat asked DH if pple with dementia can get v religious. He said no other than they can think they're God !

CrackingcheeseWallace · 01/11/2022 13:38

I would try and find out a bit more about the particular religion she is now following but certainly you're entitled to go LC after being verbally abused about a decision made when you were 16 and whether to 'celebrate' Halloween?! The way you live your life is absolutely NONE of her business! It sounds like she is being brainwashed...and isn't that cult like in itself? I think a sit down talk with her/dad/brother to say your piece and if she doesn't like it, you will have to consider going LC. Such an awful shame.

I have family members that are religious. Sleep with a bible but don't go to church every week or whatever....just Christmas Day. Rant/rave about religious things...you can't have a civilised conversation with them about any of it. Having found out the 'religion' they are invested in, I did a google and there is a lot of information about it being a cult. I no longer speak with the family members. I'm glad they aren't in my life anymore.

Girlsontour · 01/11/2022 13:39

@rosebushfromhell no that's not on at all. Have you told her she is alienating her family and that Jesus said the greatest commandment is love God with your whole mind, whole soul and heart AND TO LOVE YOUR NEIGHBOR AS YOURSELF?

He also said how you judge others is how you will be judged. He didn't say anything about bullying or terrorizing your family.

Girlsontour · 01/11/2022 13:43

He also said to them, 'Take notice of what you are hearing. The standard you use will be used for you -- and you will receive more besides;

Mark 4:24