AIBU to worry about my Mum

[rosebushfromhell]

I dont know where to put this so please bare with me. Also I've tried to write this out five times because I was just spewing things out.

My Mother is almost 70 and she's worrying me. She's started going to church - It's just down the road from her house, doesnt take her long to get there. She's enjoying talking to people and making a few new friends. I dont mind her going to church. It gets her out of the house and doing things other than looking after my Dad, who my brother looks after at the weekends (friday to sunday) to give her a break. She's been going there for about three-ish months and in that time: She's gone vegan which is great, she wants to eat healthily and I support that and she's converted to Christianity which I think might be the problem here.

She'll go on for hours and hours how this is bad and that is bad, her favourite. She often tells me how "God" is angry at me for having an abortion when I was sixteen, I was assaulted and she knows that but she'll still drum it in that I was wrong to have "murdered" my baby. She's constantly trying to take the kids to Church to "save them" - They dont want to go, they've told her hundreds of times. They're eight and thirteen and they know their minds. Im not forcing two boys to do something they dont want. She'll call me a bad Mother because Im not "raising my kids to fear God" But when I tell her she raised me the way I raise my kids I get a mouthful. I never went to church as a little one. Our weekends were spent going to the seaside or maybe camping or the zoo, eating too many treats, maybe watching Disney films - Something she suddenly hates. She suddenly can't stand Disney films and when I ask why she never has an explanation

It all came to a head this morning when she asked if we celebrated Halloween. I said we sort of did but it wasn't a big deal, we had some sweets and played some games then watched a few films. Halloween isnt a big holiday to us like Christmas is. She hit the ROOF. I put her on speaker while she ranted for fifteen minutes about how Halloween is the "work of the devil" before hanging up and sobbing while my partner took the boys out - I dont think I can cry anymore today

This isnt my Mum. At all. I dont know what to do, Im not sure if she's unwell or if this is the early stages of Dementia or Alzheimers because I'm unsure of what it looks like. If I suggest talking to someone other than the pastor at her church she tells me off like a naughty schoolgirl. I think maybe I need slapping about and telling to mind my business. I honestly dont know how to address this. It's gotten so bad Im considering going LC

AIBU to worry about this?

@Girlsontour Please stop. I dont need people quoting bible verses. I came here for help. Because this is the kind of thing my Mum does. It's not her behaviour, she's gone from happy bubbly bright to someone I dont recognise who terrorises my children. I've had a horrible morning

So I kindly ask you to stop. Thank you in advance

A friend's never-religious 80 something mum was, essentially groomed, by some door-to-door fundamental Christians... Think was significant was shortly after her dad died... She was on her own and not in good physical health.

Within a few months, these new 'friends' had got her to switch her considerable (million plus..) will in favour of this church.

She has never visited this church. Purely people who come to the house.

Sadly, she is quite a long way into dementia now.

None of her much loved children /grandchildren and great-grandchildren will now benefit when she dies.

@IamtheDevilsAvocado I know my parents finances are safe. My brother and his partner handle everything and I mean everything. My Dad doesn't give to Charity but to be fair he never did even as a child. So I know he wont allow any donations to my Mum's new church.

I dont know how to exactly address her new erratic behaviour. I wouldn't even know where to start

Oh so sorry! That was meant as tongue in cheek!

The main thing is put in boundaries. Make clear to her if she starts expounding that you will put the phone down or ask her to leave. Tell her its not loving behaviour and if she keeps it up you won't be able to be around her.

Yes. I completely agree with this.

I'm sorry to hear this- it sounds extremely upsetting.

There is some evidence that cognitive decline can contribute to religious fundamentalist beliefs- essentially that cognitive flexibility helps us guard against the kinds of rigid belief structures such religions promote, so as it declines we become more susceptible. I'm not sure that knowing that is any help, however.

I think in your shoes I might try to think of all this simply in terms of cognitive decline, rather than as a new and sincerely-held religious belief. It sounds like you're all taking the right practical steps regarding finances etc. It might be worth someone going along to church with her (if you can bear it) to make sure that no other sort of exploitation is going on.

The Elderly Parents board on here is really helpful and full of people having similar problems (albeit not necessarily related to religion). My grandmother became obsessed my my DD's teeth (DGM had entirely forgotten about milk teeth so thought the gaps were from decay then when I tried to explain otherwise she would become extremely distressed and angry). Things got a lot better when I accepted that I didn't actually have to explain anything, that I could just deflect, change the subject and comfort DGM if she was confused (I'm not equating God and teeth btw- just saying that mental decline can lead to some very strange and unshakeable ideas). It's a big mental shift from thinking of a relative as someone you can chat to normally to accepting that that can no longer happen, and also that interactions with grandchildren are going to have to be monitored and managed. I don't know whether that's the stage your mum is at.

A parent's mental decline is always distressing, and doubly so in your case as it's taken a form that is so hard for you. You have my sympathy.

I dont know how to exactly address her new erratic behaviour. I wouldn't even know where to start

@rosebushfromhell are you and/or your brother able to go to the church with your mother and see for yourself what it entails?

This IS your mum, op. Just not the one you are accustomed to.
we have a family member who nowadays can’t hold a conversation without talking about people being possessed and mentioning the devil. He wasn’t like this till his mid 60’s. We all “manage” him and strategise conversation when he’s around to try to side step the rants/ monologues. He joined a church. He might be happier than he was before, I don’t know. He favours spending time with people from his church, because they all agree about demons etc.

I'm reading that you're really worried and desperate to get people's opinions (without the bible quotes/preachinh obvs) but I feel people can't really offer correct and insightful advice if you really can't be bothered to research exactly what church she belongs to, what they believe in etc? If you really are that worried (and I do believe you should be) then investing a little time in ensuring your mum is safe is not too much to ask, is it? Even if you have to pretend to be interested and go to a couple of meetings yourself

MIL talked a lot about demons too. Scary stuff and best ignored.

This sounds like dementia or mental illness to me. Such an about-turn is not normal, especially when it involves screaming at people who you love.

I'm not sure if I've missed details about your Dad. Is his incapacity mental or physical, and if it's the latter, has he become concerned about a change in her behaviour?

It is very strange and worrying to watch someone you know change so rapidly. Some people I’ve known in the past who became heavily involved in religion were obsessed with it for a few years. One had a traumatic history and was looking for stability. The other had been addicted to drugs. Their obsession with the church dwindled for various reasons. In your mum’s situation, perhaps the combi of the pandemic and loneliness has created a vacuum which religion has filled (temporarily)?

Currently, I don’t think it’s worth challenging your mum. She’s enjoying a honeymoon phase with these new friends. I don’t think the obsession will last - people fall out or leave and the dynamics will change. If there’s a financial interest in your mum then it will drop off when they realise she can’t donate big sums without permission. But I think you’re right to be concerned about her lecturing your children and your previous decisions. Your children are way too young for this and will decide for themselves when they’re older. She needs to respect your previous decisions just as you respect her right to practise her new religion. Tolerance is a part of all Christianity.

@IamtheDevilsAvocado I would go to the local newspapers (or equivalent) with a story like that. There may be nothing they can do legally but at the very least they can warn the community of this predatory behavior on the elderly; Even hopefully shame the Church/cult into recifiying the situation. Abusers count on the silence or inaction of others.

My mum was a Jehovah’s Witness for decades.She used to say new converts to a religion should be locked up for a year. People tend to go completely over the top to begin with then they calm down.

@rosebushfromhell i really feel for you. From your posts it sounds like it could be a combination of factors

I’ve known relatives get more religious with age, but they already had faith and were church goers. It is worth looking into dementia to at least rule it out. One option is for you or your Dad to contact her GP, they obviously can’t talk about her, but you can let them know your concerns. The GP is then alerted and can use any opportunities that arise to ask your Mum questions.

The key attraction, particularly post Covid, sounds to be meeting people and building friendships. Don’t underestimate how hard it has been for some people to rebuild social lives. Whilst some people like solitude others crave human interaction so the availability of new/different people to talk to can be very attractive.

Identifying and taking your Mum to other social groups/events can help build other options. You may need to play it as I want to go to X and would love you to come with me. These could be other less extreme Christian groups you could take her too.

With a pastor who gives me the ick. He's there whenever I take the kids to visit, which is another story in itself.
This sounds like a potential grooming situation. A Pastor will have a large congregation and it raises a red flag he is devoting so much time to a new parishioner. I know he gives you the ick but spend some time talking to him and build a rapport show an interest in the church at some point, when the opportunity arises, drop in that DB has control of your DPs finances.

I would also consider installing a webcam/CCTV or something similar so you can hear what they talk about when no one else is there. Obviously your DF would need to agree.