AIBU to be so frustrated at DD

[XmasElf10]

DD is 11 and has been underweight all her life. She’s currently less underweight than at some points but still underweight. She eats breakfast and dinner (with a bit of pushing) but lunch is a nightmare. School dinners are too slow and sll
her friends are off to play before she gets food apparently and packed lunch drives me insane because she doesn’t eat it.

She doesn’t have an eating disorder it’s just that food isn’t a priority for her. She finds it dull and won’t waste time eating if there’s something better to do.

Ive just opened yesterdays lunchbox, thrown it all away, told her off and made todays. I’ll do the same tomorrow. AIBU to be annoyed or should I just let her eat whatever she wants (or not!)

Yabu to react with anger.

I wouldn’t let it go while she’s still underweight, but find a compromise. Really high protein high calorie breakfasts and dinners, and something she can eat on the go at lunchtime? Protein bars etc she can keep in her pocket? Not ideal but better than a calorie restricted diet, which is what she has at the minute. Also hugs to you, I understand why you’re frustrated.

Ask her what she want in her lunchbox, take her shopping and let her choose. Are you giving her too much?
Mine used to eat lunch at break time so they had longer to play at lunch is that an option?

Just an additional thought, how old is she? In primary school, my kids weren’t allowed out to play until they’d eaten a substantial amount. Could you ask the school for more support?

Give her less.
DD won't eat if confronted by too much food. Take half away, he will eat the other half.

Different people eat differently and it’s fine - my daughter is a grazer - she never eats a “big meal”, just little and often.

It doesn’t really matter if your DD eats lunch, be good to have something to keep the energy up, but maybe just something small and packed when energy (protein bar / cereal bar, that kind of thing.

You don’t want to send her down a path of disordered eating, so take her lead on it. What would she like to take in for lunch? Let her pack her own food.

It sounds like you are working really hard to help her with this. I still have this issue as an adult and it’s down to my ADHD. Is there something she can have eg a phone alarm that will remind her she must get some food at lunchtime?

At 11, why isn't she making her own lunch? Maybe that would encourage her to think about foods she likes and to eat it.

I know you're concerned that she is underweight, but is it the end of the world if she doesn't eat lunch? My own 2 never did at this age (though it was because they wanted to go off and play).

I had a very similar issue with my daughter. I spoke to the school and asked if she could be encouraged to eat a bit more. Head teacher chatted to me and said she's just not that interested in food but not to make it an issue, her attendance is was great so she's obviously fit and healthy. She was right. Now a very normal 20 year old with normal eating habits

You need to stay unemotional about this when talking with her. Otherwise it’ll become a huge and insurmountable issue. Anyway, you are wrong to express anger when in fa t you are afraid for her well-being and how it reflects upon your parenting.

If is ok to feel afraid or concerned but what you do with those feelings needs to be better managed. Ultimately you want your daughter to have a healthy relationship with food. You need to model this by playing down issues and promoting mealtimes as something to be enjoyed for social reasons other than attending to what is on her plate.

If she is eating and drinking and functioning mostly fine then that is the bottom line. Be glad for her good health. She will be ok.

Ask her what she wants for lunch and what she'll eat.

Does she eat lunch at weekends?

Does she have a healthy snack or more as soon as she arrives in from school and then maybe dinner a bit later. She might be more relaxed to eat then as no fear of missing out. As said already, then, a protein bar or a sandwich that can be eaten in one bite would be fine for lunch.

Is she at secondary school? My two stopped eating lunch at secondary for the same reasons. They said that the queue for food was too long and if they queued, they couldn't play. They also stopped eating packed lunches because they wanted to play.

I was annoyed/worried at first but then let it go and decided that if they were hungry enough, they'd eat.

Given her smaller amounts more often.

Stop making it, if she isn't eating it is pointless.

Could she have a protein shake, a flapjack or anything else that is high calories? Can she eat as soon as she gets in from school

My child is a big eater and loves food and yet nothing would convince him to miss out of being with his friends at lunch. He has a smaller lunch now than he did at primary.

DS is 13 and very much the same. He does around 20-30hrs of sport a week, he plays county rugby, county athletics and cross country and swims competitively. He's very, very slim, but has an enviable six pack. His rugby coach tells me he's getting to the point where he won't be able to play him because he's so small it's verging on dangerous and he's going to get hurt.

We spent some time with a specialist children's sport nutritionist, we've tried everything to get more calories in to him, protein shakes, smoothies, adding peanut butter to everything. But the reality is, he's just not that bothered about food. Today, he was in the pool for 7am, has a school games lesson (rugby), after school athletics club, followed by club cross country. He's had half a slice of toast, will eat zero of his packed lunch (because he'd rather spend his lunch break playing football), will probably have a cereal bar before cross country training and will then eat a few mouthfuls of pasta for dinner.

I've worried for years, but arrived at the conclusion that if he has enough energy to do the sport he wants, and is offered food regularly, he'll eat when he's hungry. I've stopped trying to make him eat, he has access to food whenever he wants, but it's just not something he takes pleasure from. He eats when he's hungry and forgets about it until he's hungry again. I'm quite envious of his mindset to be honest. DH is similar to DS in that he just doesn't really think about eating until he's hungry, it's not unusual for DH to eat once a day. Both of them are slim and healthy, it's just how they are programmed.

Getting her to make her own lunch sounds like a good idea (and also clean out her lunch box). She might be slightly more reluctant to throw it away if she's had to put some effort in.

I understand this is frustrating for you, I'm in exactly the same position. But I know that if I got angry with DD it would make things worse. She is also 11 and on the 0.4th centile for weight and height. She is so tiny, and so different in body shape to her peers. She sees a hospital consultant who has done all manner of blood tests which have all been clear, but he keeps her on review to keep eye on her. She's not overly picky but once she's full, which doesn't take much, that's her done, no matter how much I cajole her.
We've seen a dietician multiple times who has always been happy with portion sizes and range of food she eats.
On the flip side, she does over 15 hours of sport a week, she's unbelievably fit and healthy so she clearly is getting enough to sustain her to a high level.
Is her weight in proportion with her height, has she stayed on similar centiles or dropped down a few?

Give her less. Being faced with too much food might be off putting

Don't get angry - never let food be a battleground. As others have suggested, reduce the amount of lunch you give her so she is not outfaced.

I ate tiny amounts as a child and I was really lucky that my mum was very progressive for a 1970s parent and didn't believe in forcing me to eat. I am now a small adult (only 5foot 1inch) and lucky enough to have never had a weight problem because I have always eaten small portions and not been taught to ignore my body's signal to stop. Allowing her to self regulate her appetite is the best gift you can give her - she may just turn out to be a petite person in general, which is fine.

Underweight is not the same as petite

Oh man, I used to do this as a kid & yes it drove my mum up the wall. Just don't remember feeling hungry! It ended up that I had to sit with the teacher and eat before I could go and play... that did help. The only other thing I can think of is quick, portable, high interest foods - just so you can get her to eat something at school.

Mine are the same. I asked them how I could get them to eat them. They said to change it and to give less, as it was too overwhelming. I listened and bought different things every week e.g peperoni/chicken pieces/pasties/sausage rolls. I'd ask which fruit they fancied for the following week, so it was varied e.g. watermelon/grapes/pineapple/apples/raisins/fruit pots etc. Just keep changing it, to make it interesting and give less, so they feel like they could actually eat it.

Protein shakes?

Yes I think YABU to be angry at her. This will not help her relationship with food.

Ds at that age was under the hospital due to low weight , good was just not his thing. They advised high calorie everything so butter, full fat milk, cream, milkshakes and to give him small portions at lunch of things he may try. Flapjack, biscuits, peanut butter. Now at 15 he loves food but still hates feeling full so eats little and often.